My emptiness in de-conversion

By Deb  

Hi, I am new to this site and in fact to any blog site as far as writing on one. I have, however, found some comfort in reading the blogs of others on this site. So, I am taking a leap here for me and asking if anyone has experienced any of the emptiness I have and still am going through since my de-conversion.

Image by ClockworkGrue via Flickr

I was immersed very deeply in Christianity for many years, a born again Christian, I know that I understood, and loved the Christ of the Bible. My father had died when I was seven years old and my mom was a raging alcoholic. So for me, Christ/religion was the Father I never had and a place that gave me so much hope -- a reason for living. I found so many answers there that had eluded me my whole life, until I didn't.

Much like many testimonials I have read on this site my de-conversion was a long process, years literally. The hardest being I had raised my children as Christians and now I know it must hurt them for me to change on them.

However, the very hardest part of all is the emptiness I have now is the loss of hope in anything. I have tried to search out other spiritualism to find some meaning to life and I relate to none of it. It is so awful to have such an incredible family who is close and loving and non-judgmental, yet, I have become such a cynic because I have lost any real meaning to life (other than the love for my family). I do not belittle this love and family in any way, but now everything just seems so bleak with no purpose. It feels like the biggest betrayal possible because it was by this loving protective God who gave me life, but then the reality is that was all something I bought in to out of need. I only betrayed myself.

I am really having a hard time reconciling my emotions and belief system - and feeling anything positive.

Anyone relate or have advice?