A letter to my parents about my decision to leave Christianity

By T.S. ~

Dear Mom and Dad,

 

It is quite difficult for me to discuss this with you, but I have decided to be honest with you in spite of the hurt and grief this letter will cause you. I wish I did not have to share this, I would willingly do anything to spare you pain, but if I am to continue having an open and honest relationship with you, it has to be said. I cannot pretend that I belong to the church any longer or that I share the same beliefs as those in the church. First of all, I would like to say that I love and respect you very much and I do not want you to blame yourselves for my decisions or beliefs. I am an adult and I make my own decisions and live with them. You are wonderful parents and I know you have meant the very best in raising us.  I do not blame you for anything. 

 

The last few years have been very difficult for me in several ways. I have had lots of turmoil in my life, and the religious beliefs that I have lived with have at times made me quite depressed, anxious and stressed out. I mention this, because in the church, there seems to be a denial of the difficulties and stress that these beliefs place people under, and they can have a real and lasting impact on health issues, both physical and mental.  It has been much more important for me to regain some sense of mental and physical health again than to start "living in sin", as people in the church would call it. I think you deserve to know this. My health is far more important to me than anything else. 

I do not want to get into more detail about these things, as discussing them distresses me. The main thing I would like to say is that I recognize that I do not share the belief of the church that thinking about things rationally is a sin. I can no longer hold the belief that a god gave us the gift of rational thought and then he demanded that we be able to suspend it and have faith, and by doing so we get to heaven.  

 

I have decided to be honest about my change in beliefs, and although I expect that this will be shocking to you, the reason I do so is because I have no desire to be warned about the dangers of hell and of god’s punishment, when I don’t believe in them myself. I am agnostic, and I do not believe in the doctrine of original sin, or in a reward of heaven or punishment of hell. I have no desire to go into any detail about how or why I no longer believe this way, because I know that what I say will be taken as evidence of how far I have “fallen away from God”, and so I see no point in discussing my beliefs. I feel that doing so would only bring more pain for all of us. The only thing I will say on this topic is that my time as a Sunday school teacher opened my eyes to the realities of the Bible and doctrines that I do not agree with, and I could no longer close my eyes and continue to teach and instill such fear and beliefs in small children. I know you hold a completely different perspective of this as you see things “by faith”, and so I won’t go into further detail. However, I would like to ask that my beliefs be respected and that I be left in peace, as I respect the right of those around me to believe the way they wish. Those who believe in a different way do not deserve to be subjected to emotional abuse by being told that they are destined to a place of everlasting torture. 

 

Leaving the church is not a simple or joyous process for the person leavingLeaving the church is not a simple or joyous process for the person leaving, and I need time and space. I hope you can gain some peace with my change in beliefs, and remember that they are my beliefs and that you are not at fault in any way for them. The church would have you believe that you have been unsuccessful parents, and places a huge burden of guilt on parents if their children leave the church. This is completely unacceptable, as grown adults are completely responsible for their own actions. 

 

I would also appreciate it if you could consider the fact that often it appears that believers’ pain when their loved ones depart the church appears to be placed on the person leaving the church, as they are considered to be in error. In reality, this pain is not caused by those who leave, but by the beliefs that those in the church hold, that their loved ones are going to a place of everlasting torture. It pains me greatly that religion has destroyed the close bonds our family once had, because some believe that the others are going to hell, and are judgmental about the way in which they live. I can do nothing to change this, because the grip of this religious belief is so all-consuming that it sometimes becomes more important than even familial love. 

  

I love you very much mom and dad, and wish this did not cause you pain, but it is important for me to be honest. The core value that I hold in this life is love, and because I believe that true love and forgiveness are not dependent upon obedience, submission or sacrifice, I can no longer believe the way you do.  I believe that if there exists a god who is love, as Christians claim, he will surely understand why I believe that love is not creating or consigning people to a place of eternal torture. Love is the very antithesis of eternal torture. Nor does love require blood sacrifice for sins, but it forgives freely. Love does not come with conditions attached to it. Love forgives freely without conditions. 

Mom and dad, I believe we have this time on earth to love and respect and care for each other as best we can, and I hope this continues to be the case with our family.

 

With much love... 

We/They: Divided By Beliefs

From the book Broken Bridges: Building Community in a World Divided by Beliefs, by Chris Highland ~

An amusing cartoon pictures a man standing at the entrance to heaven reading a sign that says, “Welcome to Heaven: Keep Your Religion to Yourself.” The angel next to him explains, “Ironically, that’s what makes it so peaceful here.”

The cartoonist hit the nail of truth on the head and raised an interesting question: What would happen if people kept their beliefs to themselves?

We all have a variety of beliefs about all kinds of things. Should we restrain ourselves from talking about anything we feel strongly about? I don’t think so. I think the point of the cartoon is simply that religious beliefs tend to stir the pot and can often hinder rather than create peaceful, harmonious relationships and conversations.

Many would say they feel “called” or even commanded to share their faith. They would be disobeying God if they kept their beliefs to themselves. I used to think this way. I remember passing around a booklet of “spiritual laws” that began by claiming, “God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life.” It seemed like a nice thing to say, except the next “law” stated that we are all sinners who deserve punishment for not loving the loving God. The subtext of the “wonderful plan” was, “Love me, or else.” Believers like me could never keep our faith to ourselves because we wouldn’t be faithful.

Other believers may not show their religious feelings outside their place of worship. Their rituals, songs, sermons, and prayers are displayed within the walls of sanctuaries. When they exit their worship services, there isn’t any meaningful way to tell what their beliefs are. They may wear a religious pin or necklace, or place a bumper sticker on their car, but generally their faith and beliefs are kept personal and private.

Some people of faith would say they don’t need to talk about their beliefs because their life shows what they believe. Their faith is mostly non-verbal. They do good, compassionate work, and maybe they’re motivated by faith, but they don’t make a big deal of it.

An attention-grabbing crossover concerns those who wear religious clothing, not necessarily to flaunt their faith—it’s just natural for them to wear it in public. We may think of a Catholic nun in the grocery store making a purchase from a Muslim cashier wearing a headscarf. Maybe we see two men on the street both wearing small caps. Is one a Jew and the other a Muslim? If so, what kind of Judaism, what branch of Islam?

Here’s something to consider: What if we had to guess what someone believed? What would the world be like if we couldn’t tell what religion someone subscribed to because no one advertised or talked about it?

Now that I’m a freethinking Humanist, this is something I like to test. I might be in a group of believers, reasonably and respectfully discussing some issue, and no one knows I’m not “one of them.” Unless someone starts talking about the sacred or the supernatural, there is probably no way anyone would know a non-believing secular individual is in their midst.

I find this both comforting and instructive. When we put aside the “flags” we wave (i.e., the labels and identities we like to display), what’s left? We’re just people; people sharing the same communities and often the same concerns. We’d love to say we’re a member of this or that group. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of our affiliations. It’s just that as soon as we start proudly self-identifying, the potential for division and misunderstanding arises. Instead of a collaborative environment, we may find ourselves in a W/T mode (We/They).

The history of religion reminds us of timeless, recurring messages — and these are not quiet or subtle messages:

“DON’T keep your religion to yourself!”

 “Let your light shine for all to see.” 

“The Word must be heard!” 

The message is loud and clear: Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, let everyone know you’re a believer, one of God’s own. You must let them know what you have, and they don’t have.

Aren’t these sad and stressful messages? Why so much pressure to “proclaim the word” when there’s so much more goodness to spread instead.

Not long ago, I spoke with an elderly clergyman who told me he knew Martin Luther King, Jr. They both served churches in the Atlanta area back in the 1950s. Some parishioners of this retired minister didn’t want anything to do with Reverend King and didn’t even want his children in their church school.

As I talked with this soft-spoken gentleman, he asked about my background. I gave him the thumbnail summary about leaving the ministry and becoming a freethinker. He seemed intrigued but didn’t ask more questions. As he went his way, I wondered if my openness disturbed him.

Religious talk has a way of doing that sometimes, and without intending to, can help create a world divided by beliefs.

Chris Highland is a former Protestant minister and Interfaith chaplain. His website is www.chighland.com.

The Dying Dog Analogy

By Michael Runyan ~ 

Suppose there is a dog owner who is exasperated that his dog never seems to behave well. Periodically he punishes the dog, but this doesn’t seem to promote better behavior. Subsequently, the dog becomes very sick and taking it to the vet reveals a serious heart problem. The vet recommends putting the dog down.

But the dog owner has a different plan. He is concerned that this dog will die and ‘get away’ with being such a bad dog- that is, the punishment he has received so far is less than what he deserved. Therefore, he purchases a heart and lung machine and hooks the dog up to it. Suddenly, the dog regains his health. Now the owner goes to work, torturing the dog incessantly, poking it with knives, burning it with hot coals, punching in the face, etc. He tries to keep the dog alive for as long as he can to deliver the maximum amount of pain possible. The dog suffers and burns and chokes and howls and cries throughout his torture.

Now, what is the analogy here? The dog owner is the Christian god, Yahweh. The dog is a person who did not accept Jesus into his heart. The heart and lung machine is Yahweh giving a new body to a deceased person so that he can torture him in hell. The ‘keeping alive for as long as possible’ is Yahweh’s plan to keep his victims in hell alive forever so he can likewise deliver the maximum pain possible.

How would you feel about a dog owner who did what is described above? How would you feel about Yahweh, for all intents and purposes, doing the same thing?