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A holy friend?

By Cullyloden --

In a recent article, titled "Some things just don't make sense," the author made mention of God posing as a "friend" to fearful and needy believers, helping to map out their lives for them and giving assurance and justice. This makes sense and is in my estimation a common reason for religious devotion, especially Christian devotion.

From Dave's article:
"Some people need a friend, a friend that is totally in control and gives them the assurance that their lives are mapped out for them. Some people want to believe that no matter what difficulties they may face in life, all their efforts and the injustices they may endure will be lavishly rewarded or at least made right"

My "Friend," who was there to "map out" my life and make things right and comfort me in fear, was snatched away from me by religion. This friend was my most cherished mother. She was and could still be a witty, urbane, open minded and comfort giving person. A friend. My best friend... Once upon a time.

As for the last twenty-five or thirty years since her conversion at the hands of a zealous fundamentalist pastor, I could count the normal, non-Bible-quoting, non-Jesus-praising conversations I've had with her on my fingertips. Sound familiar to anyone?
In my sadness at her sudden absolute disinterest in anything non-Jesus, I tried to re-make myself.

I wanted to once again be someone to her, a real person with an interesting opinion to discuss. I changed myself from an ordinary, god-believing little boy into a balls-out, fire-breathing Christian. I did everything in my power to convert myself and any unlucky person I encountered (close friends backed off, strangers backed away). I shelved all of my science books in favor of the Bible. I stopped subscribing to any idea which was not Bible sanctioned. I even stopped composing my music and drawing my cartoons and replaced them with Jesus music and Jesus cartoons, none of which reflected my insides in any way; none of which were either lovely or funny.

I soon learned to spend most of my time feeling guilty, impotent and fearful. I wasted countless hours and days trying to imagine what hell was going to be like, so that the fear would somehow help me stop thinking "sinful" thoughts (The opposite is true; those sessions shattered my childish innocence.). None of it worked, I kept on missing my friend and we both kept on praying, praising, worrying and hurting every single day. My mom, my studies, my art, my friends, my MIND! no longer mine to cherish, vanished into the blinding, choking fog of unquestioning devotion to a cruelly silent god.

Well, I have since obviously given up on god and religion for my own self, but my rage and outrage continue and will likely do so until the day I die. Christianity and Christian fundamentalists stole all that I held dear. They stole it and I want it back!

GOOOOOOOOOd &@%$ing luck to me and to all of you others whose holy 'friend' left your hearts broken, your minds disturbed and your happy little spirits cold, confused and alone.

P.S. I expect this rant will explain some of the responses I give to preacher troll types whom I meet on this site. Or anywhere else for that matter. Any honest, well thought out Christian responses welcome, but for (your) god's sake bring your dueling pistols...


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