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A Fork in the Road

By Neal Stone ~

So here I am now. At one of those moments in life you hope to never go through. Divorce!

Several days ago the wife and I talked and decided it was best to separate and move on. So far we haven’t done the official paper work as we are waiting for the next payday. I won’t go into the details as what lead to this. But we did agree to remain friends and am staying at the house in the spare bedroom until finances allow me to leave.

Otherwise we are now starting to live more independently of each other. I also start counseling soon as well to finally try and resolve some things.

But what is on my mind is how friends and family will react. I already know that my lack of belief in god will probably come up. Christians especially will point to that fact and place blame there as well.

I can think of many divorces involving Christian couples and they were anything but peaceful. One such divorce got nasty and the part of the cause was the husband got took by someone he knew was a lying crook. His wife and everyone he knew warned him he would get screwed. But he chose not to listen because “He knew what he was doing”. He lost everything, house and his wife left him.

Then we have a church in Lacey that has had so many divorces and remarriages within the church I swear everyone there is related somehow. I KID YOU NOT!!!

Am I being unfair? NO! These people claim to have the living god who created the universe in 6 days living inside them. Yet their lives are no different from mine or yours. Plus you only need faith the size of a mustard seed to move an entire mountain so I would think anything else child’s play! Compared to a mountain how much faith is needed to find a job or save your house from foreclosure?

So how can they blame my lack of belief for the divorce? I mean…REALLY!

So what did lead me down this path? What really caused the harm in my life? RELIGION! I was raised in a fundy home (Baptist) with a very strict teaching. You lived for one thing to serve god and the church. I never had a social life as a teen or young adult. Even now am socially awkward.

One reason was because of my step-dad. He was very controlling over me. If I talked to the neighbor kids I got interrogated and questioned about what I said and what they said. I wasn’t allowed to have friends over very often or be friends with the neighbors. I would discover in later years he had something to hide. But that is for me and the counselor to discuss.

To make things even more complicated I was very anti-worldly anything including counseling. I was held back mentally, emotionally and in all areas of my life. Many of my friends turned out to be controlling or bullies looking for someone’s shoulder to stand on. I was nothing more than the tag along. And now at 46 yrs old I am finally getting counseling.

Makes you wonder where this powerful god is if his own can’t rely just on him and fail anyway when they do?

But here is the kicker. There are no sleepless nights and crying out to god. No asking god why and no “God has his reasons” thoughts. None of that which I learned in church is a part of this for me. No more leaning on Jesus (oddly I always fell over when I did) or reading the Bible for answers. None of that at all!!! And it’s good because I am at peace and dealing with it. Instead of faith magically answering everything I am instead looking for real answers to deal with all that comes with divorce and serious life changes.

No more false answers and false hopes. No more listening to some pastor giving me some pointless useless generic answers like “Just read the Bible and pray more”. Of course many churches will still ban me from serving or teaching since I am divorced and of course I am NOT distraught at all about that. LOL.

The gal who did the initial intake over the phone for counseling told me I had an incredible life story. Trust me, it will be told once all is done. THERE WILL BE A BOOK! And yes I will be blogging again at this site.

The counselor is a Christian but Christian counseling is optional. I really did like him and he was good not to push Christianity on me. The only time it got discussed is when I brought it up. He helped me make some realizations that I never saw before. It’s nice to meet a Christian who isn’t pushy about sharing Jesus or Christianity. Yes, they do exist. LOL I know a few.

So now is the time to seek answers and move forward. To finally deal with unresolved issues and take life head on. I really do have hope for my future and life. I stand at the cross roads deciding which direction to take. It’s up to me now.

I will be blogging on my experience with the counseling. I plan to title it “Fire in the Mind”.