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I miss God

By Roger Williams ~

Since my senior year in high school, I have been involved in vocational ministry, on a church staff, involved in evangelism, concerts or para-church evangelistic organization. So "God" has been a part of my life for most of my life.

There is a good five-part series on YouTube entitled "Jesus Has Left The Building." Tonight I was watching the entire series, only about a hour or less. In it the speaker looks at those secular writers who apologists claim speak about the historic Jesus. After awhile of lecturing, it was time for some music. So I found a couple of videos of a nationally known singing group who were around for 15 years or so on the Christian inspirational music circuit. During my college years of getting serious about my relationship with Christ, I became very familiar with this group, their leader and most of the people involved. In my travels I performed with them as part of several split concerts. Plus one of my ole part-time girlfriends from church became a part of the group. So that time and those people bring up great emotional feelings and memories.

As the first tune was playing, i knew every note, and every singer singing which part. And it is one of my favorite songs even now. The message of this song was so comforting. As I listened to them sing about the goodness of God and his power, I started to think..."Damn, I miss God."

Life back then seemed so much more secure even with my struggles, knowing that God held me in his hand and even for my hardest questions there was an answer. I used to say, "i don't know all the answers but I know who holds the future!!" I meant it in the kindness way.

After listening to another YouTube song from my singing friends, I was still thinking how much I missed God in my life with all the trappings, the preaching, the wonderful music, the Bible studies, the fellowship, the restaurant fellowship time, etc. It is very appealing.

For ten of those years I struggled with the idea that God really hated me for being gay. So I called myself an "ex-gay" making the emotional tension even more. Still, I knew there was an answer, I just had not found it yet. But there was comfort and security in the whole package of beliefs, fellowship and the security of knowing every world in the Bible is true...even the part about insects having four legs, bats being birds and God loaning his only son so we can feel good about ourselves.

I guess that's the way it will be. I see the words different now, the words that used to provide such comfort. So it looks like sometimes I will just miss God like I miss my sweet Mother and my patient Dad. Tonight, when listening to that music, I missed God. I suppose many of us do.


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