Skip to main content

Me vs. Faith

By Jesse ~

I grew up in what I would consider a predominately catholic town with my mother, brother, and two sisters. None of us were religious, but we did go to church for recreational reasons; or as my brother believed, so my mother could get us off her back. My mother was the kind of person that was deeply religious, but didn’t believe in practicing her beliefs. For that reason, she never forced us to go to church, just encouraged us too. I pretty much had the choice, so I stopped attending church in my early teens.

It wasn’t until I was in my early 20’s, that Christianity found its way back in my life. After years of abusing drugs and alcohol, I became tired. I really wanted to change my life. I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere in life, and worse of all, I felt like I was doing god wrong. I simply needed a change, and Jesus was the only answer. But I had a problem, I had no idea where to start. I didn’t want to fall prey to the wrong church, so, Instead of seeking out a church like most, I decided to just wait for god.

Funny thing, the Trinity Station is what turned out to be my first adult experience with the bible-god. One day, I was watching Jan Crouch running around on TV with her big O pink hair ( I could slap her every time she says, "Jesus just blew my socks off."), and a message came on that said, "God has a message for you." It went on about how Jesus died for me, and how I should say the sinners prayer blah blah blah. Unfortunately, it was enough, so I got down on my knees and cried out to god.

A couple days later, I was attending a trinity church down the street with the finest prosperity preacher you could find. It was great, you know, all the dancing and money god was going to give me. I was told that all I had to do was give some money, and god would give it back tenfold ( On the contrary, I knew the church was a sham.) I ended up trying quite a few churches before I found the right one (no thanks to god.) I finally found it when I contacted my old buddy; he taught bible study at a Pentecostal-Apostolic Oneness Church. I told him I was having a hard time finding a church, and he requested that I attend service that night with him; I happily obliged.

Walking in his church, I found that all the lights were off, and everyone was on their knees praying to god (old women, kids, everyone). To be honest, I thought it was weird, especially when someone spoke in tongues. Once the lights came on, everyone started singing, clapping, running, hopping, rolling; I was scared. Finally, at the end of the night, the preacher came up and preached like I never heard before. That night, I found myself crying for god at the pews, and I promised to quit smoking, drinking, and drugs. Shortly after, I was baptized in Jesus name, and quickly accepted the church’s views; out went my TV, short-sleeves, music, etc,I went all out.

I started to attend church twice Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I also prayed everyday, fasted two days a week (No water or food.), and had bible study twice a week. My hunger for god’s word was enormous, before the first year, I read the bible quite a few times; and studied many of the books in the NT & OT separately. I really felt that I found the right church, and that god was really working in my life. I eventually had my mother, brother; sister, cousin; her husband, their four kids; aunt, and a couple friends going to church with me. I guess I was very persuasive. I felt I was really in god’s will, and nothing could stop me.


As I continued in my studies, I recognized that I was expected to take god on faith. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it before, but, I had a real problem with that; even though I had accepted Jesus, and done all I did. I felt that to expect me to take anything on faith, was stupid. And anyway, how can I possibly have feelings for something I haven’t seen. I was under the impression that god worked off of evidence, like the bible; or revealing himself through a personal appearance. To me, faith was unacceptable! For that reason, I needed to see god personally. So, I got the bright idea that if I sought god, he would show himself to me. I started out by asking god (in prayer) to show himself. I prayed so hard and so long sometimes,that I would wake up on my knees; and I developed calluses. I continued the praying for almost a year, but fortunately, my prayers were never answered.

I had a bad feeling that my inability to believe by faith, was interfering. Fearing that, I tried so hard to just accept it, I even put my self in situations to force myself. I would give my check away and depend on god to get me through. I would have someone drop me off miles from home and trust god to get me back. I would fast for days, and trust god to get be through work. I went so extreme, I would just give up my body to flapping around on a the ground for hours, while I slobbered all over myself. I tried everything I could think of doing to force myself to believe I had faith, but I just couldn't. I was on the verge of falling apart because of it!! I needed god to respond soon or I was going freak out!! I needed to see or at least hear him soon!!

In my situation, the church was having their yearly "week of fasting and prayer." After seven days of fasting, they would wash feet, then have communion. I felt it was a perfect opportunity to find god. I starved my self for eight days believing god would finally respond. At the eight day, I was weak, starving, and needed god more than ever. I got down on my knee and washed feet, and prayed in the hopes that god would show himself (I could've washed those feet with my tears.) I didn’t hear, see, or feel god that day; I was furious. I felt completely rejected by god, and it hurt really bad; I cried for days. I cried at church, after church; in my car, at home; at work, I cried out so hard that my tears just dried up; so I would cry without tear. My search to find god fell flat on its face. What’s worse, now, every time I prayed I felt empty, I felt like I was praying to air. My life became full of guilt and fear because of that.

The only thing keeping me in the church was god’s word, because I believed it was infallible. After another year of this, something just changed in me. I realized that I didn’t come to this god so I can chase around some invisible spirit, I came to find god damn it. To see and speak to him. I wasn’t asking for much, I just want to see him. I started to think, "Does god really prefer a gullible brain washed idiot, that believes by faith?" I was starting to get angry, I started to tell god off in my prayers, storm out of church after service, ignore my pastor, and I stopped fasting.

Because of this, I was starting to notice the hypocrisy in the church. What pissed me off the most, was that my pastor had a really nice cars, a new home, and a airplane; while my family and myself were struggling. It became quite clear to me that this church and every other one I have been to is greedy. People are dying of starvation, but my pastor has a $200,000 car. Also, he spent 2 million dollars on the land next door. These people don’t care that people are dying of starvation. They are selfish, greedy, hypocrites.

My last straw was when I read "Jesus Interrupted" by Bart D. Herman. I had no idea that the bible had so many issues; I was devastated, but only because I went through so much for nothing.

I walked away from the bible-god because as far as a god goes "faith" is insulting, and his word was fallible. After I left, I studied the bible for years because I feared I was wrong. However, my research only confirmed that I was right. The bible is an immoral, error filled, insult. It doesn’t deserve any more respect than a piece of corn in my poop! Now that I am free from religion, I am honestly happier. I think the reason I started down the religion road in the first place, was because I was indoctrinated as a child. Once I was having a tough time in life, my indoctrinations showed its ugly face. It’s a shame that I had to go through Christianity to recognize that I always had the ability to change my own life. Today, I am a happy, guilt free Atheist!!!

I like to thank Ex-C for allowing me to post this, and to everyone that took the time to read it. I’m super happy that I found a site that has people like me. Just recently, I had a dream of Jesus coming to me, and it really pissed me off. Have any of you ever had that happen, and how do you feel about it?


Popular posts from this blog


By David Andrew Dugle ~ O ctober. Halloween. It's time to visit the haunted house I used to live in. When I was five my dad was able to build a big modern house. Moving in before it was complete, my younger brother and I were sleeping in a large unfinished area directly under the living room. It should have been too new to be a haunted house, but now and then I would wake up in the tiny, dark hours and see the blurry image of a face, or at least what I took to be a face, glowing, faintly yellow, high up on the wall near the ceiling. I'm not kidding! Most nights it didn’t appear at all. But when it did show itself, at first I thought it was a ghost and it scared me like nothing else I’d ever seen. But the face never did anything; unmoving, it just stayed in that one spot. Turning on the lights would make it disappear, making my fears difficult to explain, so I never told anyone. My Sunday School teachers had always told me to be good because God was just behind m

The Blame Game or Shit Happens

By Webmdave ~ A relative suffering from Type 1 diabetes was recently hospitalized for an emergency amputation. The physicians hoped to halt the spread of septic gangrene seeping from an incurable foot wound. Naturally, family and friends were very concerned. His wife was especially concerned. She bemoaned, “I just don’t want this (the advanced sepsis and the resultant amputation) to be my fault.” It may be that this couple didn’t fully comprehend the seriousness of the situation. It may be that their choice of treatment was less than ideal. Perhaps their home diabetes maintenance was inconsistent. Some Christians I know might say the culprit was a lack of spiritual faith. Others would credit it all to God’s mysterious will. Surely there is someone or something to blame. Someone to whom to ascribe credit. Isn’t there? A few days after the operation, I was talking to a man who had family members who had suffered similar diabetic experiences. Some of those also suffered ea

Reasons for my disbelief

By Rebekah ~ T here are many layers to the reasons for my disbelief, most of which I haven't even touched on here... When I think of Evangelical Christianity, two concepts come to mind: intense psychological traps, and the danger of glossing over and missing a true appreciation for the one life we know that we have. I am actually agnostic when it comes to a being who set creation in motion and remains separated from us in a different realm. If there is a deistic God, then he/she doesn't particularly care if I believe in them, so I won't force belief and instead I will focus on this one life that I know I have, with the people I can see and feel. But I do have a lot of experience with the ideas of God put forth by Evangelical Christianity, and am confident it isn't true. If it's the case god has indeed created both a physical and a heavenly spiritual realm, then why did God even need to create a physical realm? If the point of its existence is to evolve to pas

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo

Why I left the Canadian Reformed Church

By Chuck Eelhart ~ I was born into a believing family. The denomination is called Canadian Reformed Church . It is a Dutch Calvinistic Christian Church. My parents were Dutch immigrants to Canada in 1951. They had come from two slightly differing factions of the same Reformed faith in the Netherlands . Arriving unmarried in Canada they joined the slightly more conservative of the factions. It was a small group at first. Being far from Holland and strangers in a new country these young families found a strong bonding point in their church. Deutsch: Heidelberger Katechismus, Druck 1563 (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) I was born in 1955 the third of eventually 9 children. We lived in a small southern Ontario farming community of Fergus. Being young conservative and industrious the community of immigrants prospered. While they did mix and work in the community almost all of the social bonding was within the church group. Being of the first generation born here we had a foot in two