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A life a lie..... a sleeping bomb

By hecate ~

I grew up with a Christian family. Though, we didn't go to church. My family believed that there wasn't any good churches in our city.

In grade 10 I started to question like, "What about the people that could never have heard of God?" The only response was, "That is impossible. Everyone will hear at one point or another it's God's will". Then, though, I started seeing people that shouldn't be there. They would just look at me not say anything, or I would just know who they were. I started to see the dead. The things I learned went against all I knew. I started to warp my faith to try to understand the things around me that were happening to me. I started to have past-life memories; dreams that would come true. My life just didn't make sense anymore....

I hit rock bottom... I developed anorexia. I thought I was going nuts.

I got so bad that I got referred to a psychologist to help with my anorexia. I slowly got my power back, and I realized that I couldn't warp my faith anymore. I wasn't Christian any more.

With this, though, I have been lying for 5 years so I can live at home and not get kicked out. My boyfriend which I've been dating for 4 years isn't Christian, and it has divided my family. I no longer have a relationship with my distant family like my aunts, and I used to be close with them. My mom keeps on hounding me to convert him. My mom and I don't even have a relationship anymore.

I hate lying. I feel like such a fake. The thing is my parents are so closed-minded that I know I will get kicked out if I tell them. I have one more year left till I get my degree. So I have to hold on till then, but my mom has anxiety, so it makes things hard. It's gone untreated; she refuses to admit it. It's gotten so bad where if I open my month at all, and she doesn't like it, she will glare at me and such. It could over something as small as a character on a T.V show and she'll freak.

I can't handle all this anymore. I'm losing my family and I don't know what to do. I know if I admit to them I'm not Christian they will disown me and just blame my boyfriend, and he has nothing to do with it. They blame him for everything, but on the other hand they say he would be perfect if he was Christian. They say he doesn't try to get involved with the family, yet he makes supper twice a week, and yet if he disagrees with my mom at all she freaks out at me after saying that she wants us to break up and how this wouldn't happen if he was Christian.

I hate it. I hate my parents disrespect for others they disrespect all other beliefs. They even said I shouldn't talk to one of my friends just because she is Muslim. I happened to mention a difference between the two beliefs and my parents stated yelling at me saying it was false and wrong and totally being disrespectful.

I don't know what to do I'm stuck at home with one one year till I can get my degree to move out. I feel stuck. There is no way I could afford to move out right now unless I take out a massive student loan. I really don't want to do that.

Also, I want to stop lying so that I can have a voice in my family yet my parents can't respect any other opinions.

.I wish I knew what to do...