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I know that I'm not alone

By Cassaundra ~

I was hoping tremendously that I was not alone here and thank goodness I know that I'm not. From the very beginning I knew that I was different and was not made for conformity even if that was in the nature of religion-something that's been passed down through many generations of my family. I don't blame my mother and grandmother for teaching me what they taught. It's what was taught to them. But they weren't born or built for something different and I understand that now and can't expect them to understand or even accept my choice. It's taken me countless times of doubting, confusion and research over the years to know and be comfortable with the decision to go against the grain of my surroundings and say, "You know what, I just don't believe and can't believe what you're teaching and saying to me. I know you have good intentions but I'd rather use my brain, think for myself and not be force fed something that doesn't sit well in my stomach."

There is an unusual peace that comes about when you free your mind about something you have been battling for years. I recently told my mother that this is not where my peace comes from and if anything it has brought me misery, so now it's time to find my peace of mind. I think Christianity and other religions belittle the amazing power that we all have but don't realize we have because we've been taught that there is some deity out there to "cast our cares upon". Doesn't it seem to you that that is a way of saying to not deal with the issue? How else can you know your own ability to take charge of your life, mind, body and heart? I just want to take some responsibility for what ever happens in my life and feel so good about myself when I "dig" myself out of a situation or handled it with peace and confidence that came from ME.

Living in the South is hard enough when the majority are hypocritical christians and I'm a lesbian on top of it so you can imagine the grief I get on a day to day basis. I'm pretty much of a loner but the mentality of those around me don’t give much of a choice. Once in a while I can find a few to talk with every now and then, but because I march to the beat of my own drum, I stand out and that's practically not accepted around here. But one day, I will truly recover from all of the brainwashing over the years and be the beautiful woman that I know is hiding in me somewhere.