Last Prayer

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By Nathan ~

Heavenly father as I come into your presence in the name of Jesus I ask that you forgive me of my sins. I have always struggled with the burden of perfectionism. I am tired of being weak and yearn to be Christ like and I wish to experience the peace and joy that you promised but it never comes. No matter how hard I try to be good enough I can't stop sinning.

Pride and lust have been to me the most difficult sins to battle and I have prayed for strength in these areas and laid them at the foot of the cross for you to bear lord but I never experience deliverance and I am tired of the struggle and pretty much look forward to death as I know than these sins won't have dominion over me any longer and I yearn for your return as these are too powerful for me to overcome.

My self hatred due to my continual sin has been steadily growing since a child and my self esteem has been devastated. I feel lower than low, I feel others are so much better than me, they seem happier and able to cope with life easier and I wish I could be like them. Everyday I walk with my head hung low and I don't feel like a man at all, more like a frightened little boy afraid of the world and everyone in it. I feel everyone can see my shame and guilt and it is being broadcasted to all everywhere I go. I have asked that you forgive me of my sins but I never feel forgiven and I guess that is spiritual pride that I can't except it, please forgive me for that too lord.

Being around others has been intolerable for the past 5 years. I am getting more and more lonely and isolated and have turned to drink for solace. I have no friends here in this city. In some ways I wish I never went on disability but when I had those hallucinations and paranoia back than I think I needed the break as the stress of trying to be perfect I think brought most of it on. It hasn't been much of a life though and as a man it's been difficult to take charity but that is pride. I thank you lord that you have provided for me though but I can't stop thinking that If a man doesn't work he shouldn't eat...when will the guilt ever end.

Now that I don't believe in you anymore I don't know how to pick up the pieces. When I moved to this city to escape my past, my problems just followed me. I remain an outcast in the community filled with fear and guilt and regret. I am always watching others reactions to me and looking to be rejected so In defense I reject them first. Will they hear about me? my promiscuous past? will they judge me as harshly as I judge myself? Even with the threat of hell no longer looming I have created a new hell for myself to take it's place. Maybe in time the healing will come as I practice rational and critical thinking more and more, I don't know but I always have hope.

I thank you heavenly father for not hearing my prayer and ask these thing in your not existent son's name Jesus amen.

COMMENTS

A. Uiet Bhor,8,Agnosticator,9,Al Wm Johnson,3,Alegria,3,Alen Basic,1,American Apostate,3,Andrew Jasko,3,Anne R Keye,6,AnonAgno94,4,Apostate Paul,3,Articles,843,Aspieguy,12,Astreja,19,Atheist Dad,1,atheistnurse,10,AtheistToothFairy,6,Avangelism Project,7,Ben Love,69,Bill J,17,billybee,10,BlackFreethought,11,Bob Keye,3,Bob P,9,Bob R,5,boomSlang,2,Bore Venal Charlatan,2,Brian B,5,Brian Kellogg,8,Brisancian,3,Brother Jeff,9,Bruce Gerencser,2,Bruno Corey,1,Butch,2,C. T. Ogden,4,Calladus,5,Carl S,368,Carol Putnam,2,Carolyn Hyppolite,10,Cecelia,4,Cheryl Ensom Dack,6,Chris Highland,1,Chris W.,1,Christian Agnostic,2,Christmas,66,ChuckyJesus,7,ConversationsWithA,1,D. R. Khashaba,6,DagoodS,17,Daniel Morgan,2,Daniel out of the Lion's Den,15,Daniel Payne,1,Dano,28,darklady,7,Dave8,1,DealDoctor,29,Dennis Diehl,1,Dethblight,6,dharma,4,Discordia,4,DocMIke,30,Doubting Thomas,2,Doug John,1,Dr. Marlene Winell,41,Dr. Valerie Tarico,215,DRC,2,dswrites,2,Easter,32,EChamberlainMD,12,Ed (Teapot),2,Eric Jeffries,2,eveningmeadows,13,Evid3nc3,4,ex-Pastor Dan,25,exfundy,8,exPenty,8,Faithfool,2,Feature,6,Fernando Alcántar,5,freddieb42,2,freeatlast,6,Freethinking Okie,1,Gabe,3,Gary T. McDonald,1,God-O-Rama,6,Godlessgrrl,5,Greenworld,4,hellboundsoul,3,Houndies,3,Ian,14,illu minati,2,Incongruous Circumspection,11,J.C. Samuelson,25,J.W.,2,JadedAtheist,2,Jake Rhodes,3,James A. Haught,4,James C,4,Jazzybelle,3,Jennifer,3,Jody,5,John Blatt,8,John Botha,1,John Draper,26,John Fraysse,7,John Loftus,26,John Shores,26,Kalos,4,Karen Garst,31,Kevin Parry,1,Klym,24,Larry C,5,Larry Spencer,5,Letters,151,Libby Anne,3,Log1cd1ctat3s,2,Lorena,16,Luke,1,lungfish,1,Micah_Cowan,3,Michael Runyan,32,Michael Sherlock,5,Mriana,38,MtlRedAtheist,8,News,271,Nikki,1,Nvrgoingbk,7,NYdiva,2,ooglyman,2,Opinion,970,Patrice,2,Paul So,26,Philippe Orlando,3,Philonous,1,Politics,59,Positivist,5,Psy-Cop,1,psychman33,5,Rational Okie,3,Renoliz,10,Rev Ex-Evangelist,7,RickO,3,Robert Conner,8,Ronna Russell,12,RubySera,1,Rudy,4,Russ Hamel,2,SailerFraud,5,Sam Singleton,5,Science,105,SConner,2,SeageVT,3,Shaolin,4,Sharon,3,Simplex Munditiis,3,Son of a preacher,5,Stephen F. Uhl,4,Steve Dustcircle,4,Stillunsure,4,Stronger Now,3,summerbreeze,33,Susan G. Bonella,3,Tania,22,tekHedd,2,Testimonials,1910,Thanksgiving,8,The New Heretics,4,The STeWpId MoNkEy,4,The Thylacine,2,TheThinkingAtheist,5,Thin-ice,5,ThinkTank,5,Thomas,1,Tim Simmons,22,Tim Sledge,4,Tim Whistorn,2,Tim Wolf,1,TinMan,1,True Anathema,4,TruthSurge,11,Tyrone Williams,5,u,1,Ubi Dubium,4,undercover agnostic,24,unoder,7,Vadarama,2,Victor J Webster,2,Videos,433,Vyckie,11,Webmdave,85,WidePathGirl,2,WizenedSage,158,xrayman,6,xxkindofboredxx,2,Zach Moore,13,
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ExChristian.Net: Last Prayer
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