Last Prayer

By Nathan ~

Heavenly father as I come into your presence in the name of Jesus I ask that you forgive me of my sins. I have always struggled with the burden of perfectionism. I am tired of being weak and yearn to be Christ like and I wish to experience the peace and joy that you promised but it never comes. No matter how hard I try to be good enough I can't stop sinning.

Pride and lust have been to me the most difficult sins to battle and I have prayed for strength in these areas and laid them at the foot of the cross for you to bear lord but I never experience deliverance and I am tired of the struggle and pretty much look forward to death as I know than these sins won't have dominion over me any longer and I yearn for your return as these are too powerful for me to overcome.

My self hatred due to my continual sin has been steadily growing since a child and my self esteem has been devastated. I feel lower than low, I feel others are so much better than me, they seem happier and able to cope with life easier and I wish I could be like them. Everyday I walk with my head hung low and I don't feel like a man at all, more like a frightened little boy afraid of the world and everyone in it. I feel everyone can see my shame and guilt and it is being broadcasted to all everywhere I go. I have asked that you forgive me of my sins but I never feel forgiven and I guess that is spiritual pride that I can't except it, please forgive me for that too lord.

Being around others has been intolerable for the past 5 years. I am getting more and more lonely and isolated and have turned to drink for solace. I have no friends here in this city. In some ways I wish I never went on disability but when I had those hallucinations and paranoia back than I think I needed the break as the stress of trying to be perfect I think brought most of it on. It hasn't been much of a life though and as a man it's been difficult to take charity but that is pride. I thank you lord that you have provided for me though but I can't stop thinking that If a man doesn't work he shouldn't eat...when will the guilt ever end.

Now that I don't believe in you anymore I don't know how to pick up the pieces. When I moved to this city to escape my past, my problems just followed me. I remain an outcast in the community filled with fear and guilt and regret. I am always watching others reactions to me and looking to be rejected so In defense I reject them first. Will they hear about me? my promiscuous past? will they judge me as harshly as I judge myself? Even with the threat of hell no longer looming I have created a new hell for myself to take it's place. Maybe in time the healing will come as I practice rational and critical thinking more and more, I don't know but I always have hope.

I thank you heavenly father for not hearing my prayer and ask these thing in your not existent son's name Jesus amen.

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