Last Prayer
By Nathan ~
Heavenly father as I come into your presence in the name of Jesus I ask that you forgive me of my sins. I have always struggled with the burden of perfectionism. I am tired of being weak and yearn to be Christ like and I wish to experience the peace and joy that you promised but it never comes. No matter how hard I try to be good enough I can't stop sinning.
Pride and lust have been to me the most difficult sins to battle and I have prayed for strength in these areas and laid them at the foot of the cross for you to bear lord but I never experience deliverance and I am tired of the struggle and pretty much look forward to death as I know than these sins won't have dominion over me any longer and I yearn for your return as these are too powerful for me to overcome.
My self hatred due to my continual sin has been steadily growing since a child and my self esteem has been devastated. I feel lower than low, I feel others are so much better than me, they seem happier and able to cope with life easier and I wish I could be like them. Everyday I walk with my head hung low and I don't feel like a man at all, more like a frightened little boy afraid of the world and everyone in it. I feel everyone can see my shame and guilt and it is being broadcasted to all everywhere I go. I have asked that you forgive me of my sins but I never feel forgiven and I guess that is spiritual pride that I can't except it, please forgive me for that too lord.
Being around others has been intolerable for the past 5 years. I am getting more and more lonely and isolated and have turned to drink for solace. I have no friends here in this city. In some ways I wish I never went on disability but when I had those hallucinations and paranoia back than I think I needed the break as the stress of trying to be perfect I think brought most of it on. It hasn't been much of a life though and as a man it's been difficult to take charity but that is pride. I thank you lord that you have provided for me though but I can't stop thinking that If a man doesn't work he shouldn't eat...when will the guilt ever end.
Now that I don't believe in you anymore I don't know how to pick up the pieces. When I moved to this city to escape my past, my problems just followed me. I remain an outcast in the community filled with fear and guilt and regret. I am always watching others reactions to me and looking to be rejected so In defense I reject them first. Will they hear about me? my promiscuous past? will they judge me as harshly as I judge myself? Even with the threat of hell no longer looming I have created a new hell for myself to take it's place. Maybe in time the healing will come as I practice rational and critical thinking more and more, I don't know but I always have hope.
I thank you heavenly father for not hearing my prayer and ask these thing in your not existent son's name Jesus amen.
Pride and lust have been to me the most difficult sins to battle and I have prayed for strength in these areas and laid them at the foot of the cross for you to bear lord but I never experience deliverance and I am tired of the struggle and pretty much look forward to death as I know than these sins won't have dominion over me any longer and I yearn for your return as these are too powerful for me to overcome.
My self hatred due to my continual sin has been steadily growing since a child and my self esteem has been devastated. I feel lower than low, I feel others are so much better than me, they seem happier and able to cope with life easier and I wish I could be like them. Everyday I walk with my head hung low and I don't feel like a man at all, more like a frightened little boy afraid of the world and everyone in it. I feel everyone can see my shame and guilt and it is being broadcasted to all everywhere I go. I have asked that you forgive me of my sins but I never feel forgiven and I guess that is spiritual pride that I can't except it, please forgive me for that too lord.
Being around others has been intolerable for the past 5 years. I am getting more and more lonely and isolated and have turned to drink for solace. I have no friends here in this city. In some ways I wish I never went on disability but when I had those hallucinations and paranoia back than I think I needed the break as the stress of trying to be perfect I think brought most of it on. It hasn't been much of a life though and as a man it's been difficult to take charity but that is pride. I thank you lord that you have provided for me though but I can't stop thinking that If a man doesn't work he shouldn't eat...when will the guilt ever end.
Now that I don't believe in you anymore I don't know how to pick up the pieces. When I moved to this city to escape my past, my problems just followed me. I remain an outcast in the community filled with fear and guilt and regret. I am always watching others reactions to me and looking to be rejected so In defense I reject them first. Will they hear about me? my promiscuous past? will they judge me as harshly as I judge myself? Even with the threat of hell no longer looming I have created a new hell for myself to take it's place. Maybe in time the healing will come as I practice rational and critical thinking more and more, I don't know but I always have hope.
I thank you heavenly father for not hearing my prayer and ask these thing in your not existent son's name Jesus amen.
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