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I Don't Understand

By PinkRangerV ~

Dear Yahweh,

I've read the Bible, listened to the ministers, and tried to be Catholic. And I've come to a conclusion--You hate me. Not just hate; this is a rage I've never heard of You extending at anyone (except the gay, of course).

But at one point, I was Your daughter. So I'm just asking that, in the name of our past relationship, You explain. Because, really, I just don't understand.

I don't understand why You hate my sexuality. When I was little, I read about a captive princess, and the sheer sensuality of the dialouge made me feel...funny. And I *liked* that feeling. But You didn't. And I loved You more than I loved myself.

So I tore out part of my mind.

I don't understand why You hate my gift. I'm psychic. When I trance out, I 'jump' into the future; when I sit next to someone, I feel what they feel; when I focus on a bit of tinfoil I balance on a needle, it moves with nothing but my mind. But Your Book said it was evil. I was a witch. I consorted with demons, when, at age three, I fell asleep and saw a picture a year later of the stars themselves being born. But I loved You more than I loved myself.

So I told myself I was crazy.

I don't understand why You hate my gender. I'm a woman, after all; I'm imbued with the sensual, loving, artistic energies that implies. But the Church, Your people, told me that was wrong. I was as good as a man, I could do whatever I wanted...but don't be sexy, don't use birth control, don't abort, because otherwise you're a pathetic whore who deserves what she gets. God said so. And I loved You more than I loved myself.

So I never learned how to love.

I don't understand why You hate my orientation. When I was sixteen, I realized I was bi. It was the single purest, most beautiful moment of my life. A part of my very soul had returned to me. Women AND men were both beautiful, and for the first time, I saw that beauty. But then I realized that I had *made* myself forget that I was bi. After all, You hated it, and people would hurt me if You thought it was okay. And in the end, I feared You more than I loved myself.

So I lost a whole realm of beauty for five years.

I don't understand why You left me in abuse. This is the worst crime You've committed--You gave me to a 'father' who beat my brother and brainwashed me. I was too young, too frail to survive. I shattered like glass. Do You know what it's like to shatter that way? Can You imagine the pain of curling up in the kitchen, listening in terror for the sound of a fist striking a thirteen-year-old boy, helpless to save your twin in all but age, and cursing yourself because you couldn't?

I turned my face from You that day.

You had abandoned me, Yahweh. And I am, after all, psychic. There *is* Someone out there, I know that. But that Someone is not you.

The Goddess Cerridwyn is the goddess of Death and Rebirth. She does not demand I follow or go to hell. She does not demand I kneel at Her feet. She asks, Mother to daughter, if I will live my life in a better way than my father chose. And She guided me to stopping him, using the gift She gave me. She guided me to my mother, who loves me. She guided me to a psychologist. She guided me to my own inner strength, and then said it was up to me what I did with it.

I choose to take my talents to college, learn all I can, and then use what I learn to save other children in my situation. No hellfire. Just a choice, freely made, and freely accepted by a proud Mother.

So here's what I really don't understand.

Yahweh, I don't know how the hell you can demand a damn thing from me. Hellfire? Sin? What *is* this bullshit, and why are you feeding it to me, everyone around me, and children who are in more danger than I ever was? The answer is never to be passive. It is to stand up and change the world.

Fuck off, Yahweh. You are not the One who created me. You are a child-abusing sadistic bastard. And I chose to live a good life despite your hatred.

May one of your children finally defeat you.


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