The Voice

By Patrice ~

Today is 2/11/11, my 28th birthday is 2/13/11. I've been journaling for quite some time and it has been quite helpful. Therapy has been very helpful also. I notice the gradual change from frantic, scared and not believing in myself to the opposite of that. I believe or I should say I know, that things will continue to get better. I've been learning a lot about the Inner Critic through my readings. Here's an excerpt from my journal from yesterday:

2/10/11

This "voice" has been here for ages-it just grew as I grew. It was there when I used to have bad thoughts about my Mother getting into an accident while going to work (3rd grade). I would then feel like a horrible child for thinking these thoughts, as if I were a monster, as if something was wrong with me. I believed Jesus would take it away...he didn't. I'm not super mad with him anymore, pretty much got over him these past months. It was there when I was going through puberty. The barrage of thoughts about AIDS, Cancer (Especially after my grandmother died of Breast Cancer). I had fears of abandonment, of not being able to have children, of my husband dying before me (6th grade). I don't know why I had all the fears that I had, but at the time they were vivid. They came with their own vivid movie trailers too. It was all too real in my mind and since it was inside of me, there was no escaping it. Of course there was the nagging angry anxious voice that beckoned me to argue with it and after these long bouts of mental circular reasoning I'd get depressed and sleep in order to escape the torment. The "voice" pulled a Janus face on me when it condemned me for having the thoughts. I didn't know who else to blame but myself.

A few years of fresh air (15 years old). No voices, high self-esteem, stable friendships and a seemingly bright future. I accredited everything to me staying on the straight and narrow (breeding ground for my current perfectionism). Unconsciously, I became incredibly narrow minded. I had a sense of entitlement, I thought I was better than most, especially young girls that couldn't seem to harness their "natural" sexual urges like me (trying to be so damned perfect). I judged everyone, that is, until I had a huge introduction to my own human infallibility (In the sexual realm), it all came crashing down. My inner critic was merciless. College, the "voices" return, stronger than ever. My first serious relationship. The "voices" closed in. They scrutinized everything I did, every move I made. Every decision made without their or my partner at the time's consent had a huge price-GUILT. I don't think it was all his fault in retrospect, but he did unconsciously contribute to fattening the critical monster in my mind. I crawled back to church due to fears of having a nervous breakdown.

Back in the bosom of Christianity (20 years old). I thought things would get better but they subtly stayed the same, just morphed around my religious experience (religion sucks). I slowly gave clergy and other members authority to my reasoning faculties. I didn't realize something was wrong...until now (27 years old). So now I am free, but the "voice" still lingers. I don't see it as God now but, it still screams. I recognize it, but I realize it's NOT me. It's irrational, one sided, paranoid, unrealistic, cold, mean, manipulative, anxious, unloving,a perfectionist, calculating and most of all, afraid. I see it's there, now I must be patient and love myself unconditionally through the process of separating from it.

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