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Reason above Religion

By Just Mee ~

I can't believe a group like this exists. I feel as if I've been reborn again! It's wonderful to know I'm not the only one dealing with the same issues, and that I'm not alone. I've been reading testimonials all day! HALLELUJAH There are more sane people out there ;)

My mother and her parents are devote xtians. I started in church, and sunday school before school. I still remember that feeling of panic as a child when the special speaker would come around once a month or so and ask all those who wanted to ask jesus into their lives to step out in the hall and say the special pray. I went every time. I mean you HAD to have him in there to go to heaven, and at 4 or 5 I was never sure I said everything right, or kept my eyes closed like I should. Maybe he hadn't heard me the last time, or maybe I'd upset him when I fought with my brother that week, and I think mostly maybe because my dad didn't go to church with us, jesus wasn't going to like me like the other kids too.

God bless my father. He was raised catholic, and his parents still make sure to go to confession and get communion, but thankfully it's more ritual than religion. Dad was seriously disillusioned about the Bakers and many others in the 70's early 80s were outed as frauds. He always taught reason above religion. Faith was fine, but blind faith was just stupidity.

Even though both parents lived in the house and were part of my upbringing I somehow felt on Sunday I was raised by a single parent. Wanting to please my mother and her parents I became just as devote as they were. I even signed out of my high school homeroom in public school to meet with a group that prayed and studied the bible every morning.

All the while there were things that popped up, the reason that just didn't agree with the blind faith. Throughout high school and college our pastor decided to walk us through the bible, one chapter a week. I have to say my pastor was why I went for so long. Even though things were popping up, he was sparking the reason vein in me that echoed back to my father.

My pastor wanted us to really know jesus, as we worked through Matthew it hit me that jesus would be so pissed off at the modern church. Christianity had become the old jewish money changers with all their rules and propaganda that he became enraged about. I just decided that all the little problems I had with xtianity over the years were the same things jesus was mad about 2 thousand years ago. Why can't anyone else in the church see it? I guess the blind faith just smooth things over and no one asks the questions I see as so obvious.

I have been to one church service (besides the occasional weddings and funerals) in about a decade. A few years ago for mothers day I surprised my mom and went, still the people pleaser you see, I felt so dirty. My mother and grandmother still tell me they pray I will join them again.

I pray for the one day I will be able to share my spiritual beliefs and they will be accepted by those that claim they love me, and that the guilt will one day go away.


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