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Can I be of service?

By Son of a Preacher ~

I hate computers, I fell into the service industry, fixing computers for one of the big brands. I have read a bit recently about how suffers of RTS or C-PTSD often seek work in the service industry. Up to 85% one article quoted. This was true for me, although I didn't realize it at the time. I can only speak for my feelings about my computer jobs, but its very similar to my religious experience and I think its the familiarity that keeps me going back to these jobs, even though they make me suicidal and I then have to quit to recover. In my line of work you spend your entire day trying to fix the sins (hardware and software faults) of peoples personal computers (personal does not even come close to describe the emotional attachment some have to their machine souls).

Its a job where your shut away in a back corner, often without windows, and normally physically separated from clients and fellow staff, cut of from society (church from 'the world'). There is an extreme amount of pressure to fix machines really fast, three days (coincidentally like the cross). Three days includes shipping of the part from overseas. There is an extreme amount of pressure to be perfect; If you don't get it right first time you won't get another part in the three day deadline. This often leads to a feeling of letting down the client, boss, work colleges, society in general.In other words, I have 'fallen short', failed again just like the old times (the self condemnation starts to sink in).

Its also a job where you are blamed for the sins of others. Because you are dealing with the machine souls of people, it is easy for them to take personal offense and even blame you personally for the failure of their machine (whether it be software (their fault normally) or hardware (gods fault?)). You are powerless, you can not offer the client any real solutions (like a replacement, or loan, only a boss can, almost as if you have to get permission to serve correctly (gods way)), you must simply take the blame for the sins and try to be nice to the client (otherwise the boss (god) is going to come down on you). Its like original sin all over again, such familiar feelings sink in.

Nothing is ever good enough, "it will be ready tomorrow", "why can't I have it today?". If there's a problem its your fault, the blame only ever ends with one person. I remember one period where I was coming in on my own time, seven days a week, saved a lot of souls, made a crap load of money for my bosses and all I got was a phone call "thank you, keep up the good work", thank you? thank you? are you kidding me, I am so stressed out with the amount of souls that need to be fixed that I have started sneaking out during the day to drink, just to get through the day and night that I would be inevitably working!… but like Christianity there is no real reward, just some warm fuzzy sentiment, now keep going you haven't earned any grace or mercy yet.

And there is constant emotional manipulation, could be some girl trying to get work for free, some guy trying to intimidate you into doing it then and there, your boss dangling a bonus in front of you, a carrot that you have to fight tooth and nail to get, months and months of asking "when am I going to get it?" and if you don't hound god for it, even if you have done good, he will withhold the carrot from you deliberately. You are treated as a part of society no one wants, but its ok I 'live in the world, not part of it'.

I had a boss from a different division once take me in for a couple of months when I had trouble at a flat (flatmate stole my cheque book). While there we obviously got to know each other and I naively shared some ideas and dreams. That boss then took those ideas behind my back to the board of directors, she made them aware they where my ideas... They patented one, and adopted another into the existing business structure as a new revenue stream. I was shocked to find the announcements in my inbox one day, and it suddenly made sense why another boss (one who was OK) had said to me not that long ago, "if you have any ideas you need to speak up now", at the time I thought it was really odd she said that to me, completely out of the blue. It doesn't matter anyway, I'm home, they weren't my ideas, I am just a 'vessel'.

So yes, I can see why, this place totally feels like home to me, I'm surrounded by the condemned that need to be saved, I get threatened to conform to gods will, without god (the job, the boss, the income) I would be homeless and helpless on the street, living in hell you might say. There is constant pressure to be good and pure, in the never ending sea of condemned souls. I have my holy manuals, that must be strictly followed, and the glory goes to god. Glory be to god the owner, forever and ever….. Ahhh, just like home, I can't wait for the afterlife.