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Jesus Is Coming! Is your zombie plan ready?

By Discordia ~

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All resemblance of persons or places, living or dead or undead, is completely coincidental. Coincidences are just number theory in action, sort of like how a broken clock is right twice a day. Because this is a work of fiction, by definition it means it is total bullshit. While the people I mention and the works are quite real, all the rest of this is a concoction of my imagination. It’s not real. I made it all up. Well, except for the Bible. I didn’t make that up. Someone else did. I can write much better than that. However, if you believe any of this crap I wrote is real, you really need to have your head examined. Seriously. Go find a good shrink before you hurt someone, including yourself.

The world is ending on December 12, 2012. Jesus will return then and if the Bible is true then all the dead will rise. People who are dead and buried and then later rise from their graves are zombies. Period. Unlike Aragorn's army of undead, Jesus and his zombie army will be killing everyone, not just evil oppressors of innocents. How do I know this? Read and learn, my friends!

In 1818 Mary Shelly wrote of the mad scientist Frankenstein who created the famed Monster from corpses scavenged from graveyards, a foreshadowing of the dead rising from their graves.

Then in 1929, W.B. Seabrook wrote ‘The Magic Island’ where he told of some darker Voodoo practitioners who could raise the dead as zombies for servants. And there is where we have the link! Voodoo is a merger of West African religion and Roman Catholic Christianity. Christianity is based of the teachings of Jesus Christ, who both raised zombies and is also a zombie himself.

Zombies appear in the Old Testament. First, we all know that Moses wrote the first five books therein, yet in Deuteronomy we read about his funeral and how long the people mourned him. He could not have known this unless he was able to see it. And since the book that never lies says he died, then the only way for him to observe his funeral and report on it was for him to have risen from the dead. Therefore he was a zombie. It pretty much says so in the scriptures: Deut 34:7 “…his eye was not dim, nor his natural force abated.”
The eyes of the dead glaze over, yet Moses’ eyes were not dim. When people die, their natural force abates, yet the author plainly says that Moses’ did not. The only way for the author to know this personally would be for the author to be Moses.

Later, Saul hires a witch to call Samuel from the grave so he can talk with him. 1 Samuel 28:15 “And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up?” Saul then starts asking advice from the zombie Samuel. This was a special zombie, most likely a Beta class zombie, one that can think and plan. The ones we are familiar with now are Delta zombies as they have lost all power of reasoning and have become mindless, feral beasts.

There are several tales of Elisha raising zombies and even of Elisha’s bones causing another person to rise back up from the dead. Elisha was apparently the first person with a viable form of the zombie virus, which I will refer to as the J virus as Jesus is said to be The Resurrection.

J virus will cause mass zombification. We have scriptures citing how the faithful in Jesus will be called forth in the final battle. Followers of Jesus are even now infected with the J virus and show signs of damage to the reasoning centers of the brain. We have seen evidence of this here. All the xians who post here try to convince us to reinfect ourselves, and all of them use the same arguments to convince us to do so. Not only are they incapable of thinking for themselves, they are completely unaware that they are all saying the same thing over and over.
Door-knocking proselytizers also exhibit the same symptoms and some of them keep returning to the same houses over and over even when driven off. I know a good number of you have witnessed this so you know I am right!
Zombies, who cannot think, want to eat your brains. Christians don’t want you to think. They constantly rage against reason and science and do everything in their power to frighten people away from asking questions or thinking for themselves. They know that if you don’t ask questions the infection process is easier. Making people avoid thinking is tantamount to taking their brains. Since Christians avoid thinking, they do not use their brains, which is almost the same as not having one. Therefore, Christians are zombies.

The zombie movies warn over and over to avoid contamination by staying away from zombie blood, to not be bitten by zombies as their bites are infectious and to never eat zombie meat as it will turn you into a zombie. However, Christians eat the body of Jesus and drink his blood in numerous church services. They consume wafers and wine that are magically transmuted into the flesh and blood of Jesus. But because the original source of the blood and flesh is not from Jesus, then it is not as toxic as the real zombie meat and blood would be. Anyone who eats firsthand from the source dies instantly and will rise again as a zombie. But by eating transubstantiated flesh and blood, people can ingest a less active form of the zombie virus and will not be immediately affected. The virus will remain dormant until it is triggered.

To reduce human resistance to the J virus, bird flu outbreaks and food additives that cause allergies are part of a secret plot to increase use of antihistamines for associated symptoms. Antihistamines will carry a weakened form of the J virus which is created from left-over communion sacrament. No one will know people are infected by it as the antihistamine hangover that affects so many people is identical to the early onset of zombification. It is believed that this weakened virus dies off in the human body fairly quickly, but this form combined with the fully active J virus could prove extremely potent and quicken the spread of the J virus to anyone who comes in contact with the infected individual.

The secret has not been kept under wraps. Over many years parts of the conspiracy have leaked out. I have already told you of the authors Shelly and Seabrook, but there have been others more recently. We have had movie warnings of this since 1963 with the famed movie from the G.C. Romero Night Of The Living Dead. Other people have warned us with Dawn of the Dead, Resident Evil series, the Evil Dead series and 28 Days.

Even that Christian holy book has warnings. Jesus raised Lazarus, then after Jesus died he went to preach to dead people, and when Jesus himself rose from his grave all the dead in the city rose as well. That was obviously a trial run to make sure the zombie raising process would work. That book makes numerous mentions of the dead arising and walking among the living, but no mention is made about what they do, other than walk around.

Isaiah 26:19 Thy dead men shall live, together with my dead body shall they arise. Awake and sing, ye that dwell in dust: for thy dew is as the dew of herbs, and the earth shall cast out the dead.

Matthew 10:8 Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give.

Matthew 27:52-53 And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.

Do you need more proof? Not a problem! Gun laws are getting stricter! If you have heeded the leaked warnings, you know that shotguns and high-powered rifles are some of the best weapons against the hordes of undead! Your best course of action is to drop them with a shot to the head before they can get close enough to damage you and cause infection. However, Congress is controlled by religious crazies and they are passing legislation both to tighten laws and drive up the price of ammo. This is an attempt to make people unable to adequately defend themselves when the undead invasion begins!

Christians are even now telepathically communicating with God and Jesus and disguise it as praying. They are constantly spying on the rest of us, passing on information to their owners in heaven so the invasion can be executed with perfection.

If you are thinking that most of the dead will just be harmless skeletons, you are wrong! More and more of our food and water have preservatives and secret chemicals in them. Food is genetically engineered and animals are shot up with drugs that we ingest when we eat! Those chemicals, along with the embalming process, severely retard decomposition, thereby making for much higher quality corpse to become a zombie. While most of the walking dead will most likely be skeletal, millions will be zombies through and through.

So what can you do to be prepared? Visit this link to the Center for Disease Control. It will tell you what sorts of emergency packs to have ready. You should also have plenty of guns and ammo and a secure location to travel to if you cannot fortify your home.

 While the site [link no longer active] is disguised as a “joke” to impress upon people that being prepared for zombies is like being prepared for hurricanes and earthquakes, they are fully aware of the J virus threat and are doing what they can to make sure citizens are prepared. If you don’t like guns, get high-powered slingshots (commonly called wrist-rockets) or some sort of bow or crossbow and learn to use it. Some people prefer the silenced abilities of the hunting bows and crossbows as they believe the noise from guns will attract zombies.

Also, stay away from any suspect foods or people. Avoid people who practice voodoo and Christians, watch zombie movies to familiarize yourself with methods of avoiding zombies and J virus infection. Learn who you can trust. Watch your back.

Be prepared! Make your zombie plan now before it is too late!