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Low self esteem, trying church, and becoming suicidal

By Debra ~

I grew up in an abusive home. Physically, sexually, and emotionally. I lived in fear, never knowing when my father would go off and throw me into a wall, for the simple reason that I was handy. I had no safe place, no safe adults to trust, and I survived. I was also made to go to church to keep up appearances. What I was taught, as a little child, was the opposite of what was going on at home, and my child's mind learned that god hated me.

When I was 19, met my husband, married, I left church forever. My husband, an atheist, helped me slowly let go of the things church programmed into me. He set me free.

Many years later, divorced, living alone, no family or friends, I thought I needed to try to get out, be around nice people. I went back to church. What they did was crush me. I was divorced, told that is a horrible sin that god hates. I was told that god knew me before I was even conceived and sent me to that family, and that it was my fault and have to repent the sin of being abused. I was told that because I am overweight (meds for cancer) that is a sin. On and on, and I already felt like useless crap, so all that made me feel so unfit to even be alive that I became suicidal. I wanted to believe that a god would love me, that those Christians would care, accept me, but I was unfit. I was not wanted. I wanted to believe. but all I got was more pain, more self hatred, and became suicidal.

Then I found this site, and you helped me see that religion and the god of the bible isn't love. You helped me get out before it was too late.

Pastors say all that, how divorce is unforgivable, blame the woman just for being a woman, etc., etc., etc., and they need to stop. They don't know if their listener is an abuse survivor, and their words cause harm to those who were.

I am better now. but I am not the only one who was abused. My desire is that those who were, don't seek love and acceptance in a church. It isn't there.

Thank you for this site.