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Your Imaginary Best Friend: A Memo to Christians

By Exvangelical ~

The last communion I took was years ago. Pastor Donald said that participation was optional, but if we partook, we should be right with God in our hearts, i.e. "saved", or else, "Drink down His judgment." Wow, Pastor Donald, your imaginary best friend is an ass.

But I had the same imaginary best friend. In my mind, he was a little more forgiving than that. He forgave me often for the slightest transgressions; mere thoughts. I know because I was earnest in my regret, I wanted to change, and I always said, "In Jesus' name, Amen." Of course, there is no such thing as a slight transgression with this imaginary friend. Anything short of perfection was a sin.

This friend was perfect, you see. A magical holy book said so, and I believed it. It was The Word, synonymous with God. Ya know, when someone keeps reminding you how perfect He is and how imperfect you are, how much you need Him and that He doesn't need you at all, that is one crappy friend.

Crappier still, he was like my very own Bernie Madoff: powerful and mysterious, promising many happy, future returns. I gave Him everything. I was also very flattered that He had chosen to include me in His exclusive club of elite investors. The promise of a better life was tantalizing. But the man behind the curtain was just a man. The magical book that told His story was not magical at all. It was just a book. The future never comes. And in the end, all the investors lose.

No wonder so many get swindled. Willful ignorance, thy name is "God". But don't you worry, you True Christians. You're "saved", and your investment will pay off after you die. Just hang in there. Suckers.