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My slow deprogramming

By BornAgainNoMore --

I grew up in a family that proclaimed "Christian values and morals" and required regular church attendance from me and my sister, although neither parent ever attended. We were a "typical" upper middle class family living the American Dream in sunny South Florida. Behind the scenes, the story was very different. My father emotionally and physically abused my sister, emotionally abused my mother and emotionally and sexually abused me for years.

Man of GodImage by merfam via Flickr

Both my sister and I left home as soon as possible. Both of us adopted an agnostic view toward god and lived productive lives. I met and married a wonderful man, an agnostic. When I had my daughter, for reasons I still don't understand, I felt compelled to send her to church, but didn't attend myself. I think I wanted her to get all the information and make her own decision regarding religion. It was not a topic discussed in our home; more of a non-issue.

After sixteen years, we retired from his government job to a small town in the Bible Belt. Here, during construction of our new home, I met a man who was a Church of God ordained minister who was a full-time builder. To make a long story short, this "man of god" convinced me that god was real and that he (the minister) loved me -- despite his marriage and family. We began an emotional and sexual relationship that lasted fourteen years. I left my husband of sixteen years because I couldn't stay with someone I no longer loved.

Eight years ago, his wife, who was aware of our relationship, left him and married another man. The "preacher man" and I became a public item, at last. I was told by him that marriage was eminent because he couldn't be in a sexual relationship with someone outside of marriage. But he never stopped having sex with me, just kept telling me that I was "growing in my faith, but still needed to work to be better" in order to be an "anointed preacher's" wife. I struggled to be as "holy" as I could. I did bible study, church five times a week, pilgrimage to the "holy land", group prayer, women's groups, etc.,etc., etc. As each year went by, I was "getting better" but still not at the religious level I needed to be at to become his wife.

And I was becoming increasingly confused by the huge holes I found in the entire concept.

I had a liberal education and an active mind that didn't just follow like sheep. I questioned. I inquired. I was told that Satan was trying to stop my growth and I needed to pray more. For every logical question, I was treated like an infidel, a traitor, a "tool of Satan". I began to see myself as worthless and shameful.

I constantly asked my "man of god" how he could have sex with me and still be anointed. He had many answers but it all came down to "god's grace in our lives." And we continued to have sex.

The unraveling began when I found out, quite by accident, that he had been asked to leave two churches before this one because he had sex with numerous underage teens and single as well as married women in his congregation. I began to question people outside the church who had known him for many years. I began to find out about a constant stream of women that he had seduced then dropped. These women were not in the church. They were women he picked up online, women he built homes for, women he met at business meetings. The Church of God leaders were well aware of his sexual addiction. They gave him a "year of silence" both times then sent him back into the church to seduce more women.

I began to watch his cell phone bills and intercept phone messages. Over a period of four years he had seduced over 100 women. I didn't have a clue. I confronted him and we began couples counseling with our pastor to survive this hurt. During this time I was completely brainwashed by my pastor who kept telling me that it was my fault. My faith wasn't strong. My doubt was the reason that the "preacher" wouldn't take me as a wife. In short, I was good enough for him to sleep with for fourteen years, just not a good enough Christian to become a wife. I continued to study, to pray, to fast. Anything to bring me closer to god. To have him work his miracle in me. It never happened.

After two years of counseling, and another year off due to the church silencing him, my "preacher" took a position as weekly minister for a Christian women's drug and alcohol program. I warned him that I would report him to the church if I found out that he was seducing these women.

It only took eight months before he was in bed with several of the women in rehab as well as sleeping with a couple of the program staff. I reported him to the church and they put him on a year of silence and sent him to a female counselor. After seducing the counselor, he now has fulfilled his year of silence and is now treated like a staff member at our church. He continues to seduce and destroy any woman who he can get into bed.

The church allows him to continue because he is an extremely good con man who brings much money into the church. To them, the 60 or so women a year that he emotionally destroys don't matter compared to the hundreds of thousands of dollars he bilks from the congregation each year.

After a year of leaving the "anointed preacher" and the Church of God,I am still picking up the pieces of my life. Trying to leave behind the evangelical cult mind fucking I received. Trying to feel worthy and special again. To stop believing that I am demonic because I don't believe in their imaginary friend. I have had to let go of all my church friends as they only want to indoctrinate me back into the fold every time I speak to them. When I tell them that I no longer believe they all tell me that I will go straight to hell. Such nice thoughts from such godly people.

It truly is much like the cult deprogramming that I have read of. It will take a long time to get myself back to a healthy place both mentally and sexually. To live my life without constant guilt in everything I do.

Christianity is the greatest evil that has ever been visited on man. I have never seen such judgmental, racist and ignorant people gathered together under one "membership".

I will keep my 10% of my income, thank you very much. If I want to be fucked in the ass, there are people out in the real world who would do it for free, I am sure.

Thanks for listening to my rambling rant. It really helps to just put it all down on paper.