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Dear Religious Cult Member

By RationalOkie --

I don't like to be bothered when I get home from work. I especially don't want to be bothered by Christian cult groups that are constantly swarming our little college town of Stillwater, OK.
One particular evening, after repeatedly saying 'No Thanks', to someone trying to hand me a pamphlet a young man quipped as he left my porch, "Man, he's a jerk." I was incensed. I’m a jerk? This group had been working our neighborhood for their local brain washing Bible School. They give these Bible Schools cool names like ‘Youth On Fire’ and ‘Make A Difference’. It’s all the same brain washing crap. To make this short, I decided that I wanted to have a hand out of my own the next time one of these presumptive, uneducated savants darkened my door. So, I wrote the following.

Dear Religious Cult Member:

I do not want to join your cult.

I do not care that you do not like being told that you are in a cult. You are in one, deal with it.

Your belief in talking donkeys, angels, demons, a man surviving three days in the belly of a whale, magic underwear, someone walking on water, living to be 900 years old, someone rising from the dead, a flaming talking bush, giants or the absurd story of Noah’s Ark, not only confirm to me that you are in a cult, it speaks also to your intelligence. Irregardless your station in life whether you are a Doctor, Engineer, Teacher or even call yourself a ‘Scientists’, if you tell me that you believe in such absurdities I will NOT ‘respect’ your intellect. I will NOT ‘respect’ your beliefs.

And most importantly, while you stand in front of me with that awestruck, arrogant and disbelieving look on your face consider yourself warned. Do not attempt to indoctrinate my children into your cult. If you do I will likewise afford myself the same opportunity to indoctrinate your children and I am certain, (considering your professed propensity to believe in ridiculous fairy tales and ancient tribal superstitions), that YOU do not have the mental capacity to unravel the knowledge that I will supplant upon those fertile minds.

At this point we should be perfectly clear that I do NOT WANT TO JOIN YOUR FREAKING CULT. Please leave my property.

I've only handed two of these out but I can report that they were incredibly affective. The first person that I gave it to actually stood there and read it in front of me. Based upon the look on his face his computer could not process what he was reading. He literally read it while silently mouthing the words. Without saying a word and without ever looking back at me, he turned and jogged out to the group that was waiting for him at the curb. The second person that I gave it to was an adult who simply swapped his pamphlet for mine and walked away without showing any interest in it. I'm certain that he read it as soon as he left my property. Probably sensing a confrontation he wisely chose to swap and go. Fair enough. The bottom line, if they are going to call me a ‘Jerk’ I at least want to earn the title.