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Growing in strength as an ex believer

By Irish Mark ~

I suppose, I started to get really angry with god 3 years ago around this time, as It was the end of my first year in collage, I actually remember one particular day this time 3 years back, when I was in Dublin where I studied. I had totally isolated myself and was in the park alone.

My story would begin by telling you that I became a Christian when I was 15 and my mother brought my to a summer camp, Thinking back I didn't want to go, I didn't want to know any thing about Christianity and what she had said to me as their was a chance we would not be able to go, was "If the opportunity arises for us to go Its Gods will for you to be there".

Now this was my summer as a new Christian, this camp was for only one week, It was a conference, take a 15yr old adolescence, away for a week with no-body he knows and people there offer you there friendship because they think you are a Christian So I went along with it, played the part and started to talk the talk on the 3Rd day, waving my hand to the worship music, It was at the end of that particular meeting that a group of youths from a church in a town 20mins from where I lived came up and talked to me, and they did so because they saw me raising my hand in the meeting and thought I was a Christian so I decided to give a shot at walking the walk.

 After camp I remember my best friend at home noticed straight away how different I was, and come every Friday I was "back" being one of the lads, and then there was youth meeting Saturday and church Sunday, Going to the church where the guys at the conference went, and this repeated itself all summer until at the end of the summer there was a Christian youth camp and basically after this it kept me going until youth camp at October where I met my first real girlfriend, and we would talk on the phone every day after camp for god knows how long, the following summer we broke up because I got stupidly jealous.

Anyway after that summer It was my final year in school and things got really really though for me as my mother decided to stop going to the church 20 mins away and Basically looking back this was the beginning of the self imploding time-bomb. I got really locked up in the bible and god, became "Super-Christian" and there was no-one around to tell me differently, would go months at a time without seeing another Christian. And this is when I started talking to God all of the time. It would take me half hour to get to school and half hour back, my 45 Min lunch break I would just talk to god, all of the time, and my one major prayer was that I would do well enough in school and that the finances would be there for me to go to a collage in Dublin. Why Dublin, well this is where 2 of the guys that were in the church 20mins away went, (not the same college just Dublin) lived. Also 5 girls and 1 guy that I was friends with and another good friend of mine was going to go there lived. So your talking 9 people. These were people I considered good friends of mine, people I would talk to at least once a week, and text more often. And believe it or not, My mother did not want me to go to Dublin, and I used the same line to her that she used on me about conference I told her "If I end up there Its Gods will" and believe it or not it was a night-mare, I started that collage in September and finished it may 2009 roughly this date. (Th) And When I left I left bitter, full of anger, full of Pain, let-down, feeling disappointed, not just towards these people but also towards the church I attended with happened to be one of my friends' dads church. He was the pastor. then come June I bugged off to south Africa (still being a Christian) to volunteer in an orphanage for 3 months in Cape town. as God had told me to do this in February. and that was where I just lost it all together, I remember being at the orphanage so hung over I was still drunk, I just couldn't cope or understand why God would tell me to go there, when I ended up feeling so alone and isolate over there, worse than I had in Dublin, I actually remember physically shaking from anxiety and everything. and That was 3 years ago.

And I don't know how other people coped with loosing their faith, When I returned home about a month later I went to the UK to further my study and ended up drinking most days when I was not in college and would even drink on a Tuesday in collage as it was a lecture, I even went to a few churchs over there but the way people talk to you if you tell them that you used to be a Christian saying "that's not possible, you were never a Christian if you stopped" and funny enough that is something I said as a Christian. I even joined a mosque for around 2 months (actually got me off the drink for awhile) I was bouncing around like an out of control ping pong ball that when you try to catch a hold of it, it just starts bouncing even more.

But to come to an end, I'v finally come to my own conclusion, Could do to be with age as-well and turning 22 officially a grown up. Whatever reason people turn to religion for or become religious, everyone has there own reasons, and I am not ashamed to say that I did it because I didn't have many friends and there were people who wanted to be my friend because they thought I was a Christian so I played along. It finally took control of me and I was a Christian because I thought I was special and I was happy doing that. The same people I became a Christian to make friends with, there expectations became my expectations. When I ended up in Dublin, To be among these people I saw that they were not living up to my expectations, witch were my expectations because they were once there own expectations witch made the sting hurt that bit more. and I'm going to end this by telling you something my dad said to me (parents been divorced for years mum Christian dad not) He said to me a good while ago but it makes sense. "Mark maybe god told you to go to South Africa to show you That all this born again Christian stuff is not what he wants for you"