By Danimal (aka Aspieguy) ~
Dear God,
We have had a tumultuous relationship over the years. In spite of being physically abused as a boy and relentlessly bullied in school, I never blamed you for those. Even when I had difficulty making friends and maintaining friendships, I was to blame. I was the one born into sin. I was the one flawed. I could never blame someone who was holy and knew what was best for me.
We never went to church as a family. I didn't learn about you until I was 17 when I was introduced to an Assemblies of God church. There I learned that your worship was vibrant and emotional. I learned about the gifts of the spirit. I also learned about hypocrisy and narrow mindedness. But, we're only saved, not perfect, right?
You and I grew apart from each other when I joined the Army. I was leading a new, exciting life. I really didn't need you much. When I returned to the university, you and I got back together again. I didn't return to Pentecostalism. You lead me to various evangelical churches. Sure, the people tended to be bizarre at times and always narrow minded. But, we are all sinners. Who was I to judge your elect?
I eventually got married, found work, had four children, and eventually joined a United Methodist church. According to most people, you had richly blessed me. It was far from the real truth.
Ever since I can remember, I had difficulty getting along with people. I often didn't understand things people said to me. Because I could never look people directly in the eye, I was called "dishonest" and a "liar". I struggled with all the abstractions in sermons and in the bible. I was plagued with depression and despair. I was told that I was being attacked by Satan because I was "backslidden". Who was I to question Christians who were so much more spiritual than me?
I spent years in counseling. I was on powerful psychotropic medications. I sometimes spent days being nothing but a zombie. I spent time under the care of a psychiatrist. All this time I blamed my lack of faith. If only I was as spiritual as my friends at church were. If only I was a great christian father and husband, you would deliver me from the hell my mind was in. I prayed for deliverance. Even though I received nothing but silence, I still believed you were listening.
God, did I say "friends"? What I really had at church was "fellowship". Those that I thought were friends actually considered themselves "mentors". They believed that I was inferior to them spiritually, I needed their help, God, if you were to really love me.
I was always told that you never send more than we can bear. I believed that until a year ago. I finally had an answer to all my various mental afflictions: Aspergers syndrome, a form of high functioning autism. God, I was crushed. The more I learned, the more I realized why I think so concretely, don't understand abstractions, have limited capacity to interact with others, and have various sensory difficulties. Finally, I realized that you had indeed sent me more affliction than I could bear.
For months I questioned my faith. For the first time, I questioned you, God. As usual, there were no answers. I asked your spiritual people questions, but they began to shun me. I began attending church less and less. I quit singing those songs you love so much. I discovered that I had no friends in church. I discovered, metaphorically, the emperor had no clothes. Many Christians were actually delusional. Your scripture wasn't inspired, but was written by men. Finally, God, I realized you were simply an invention of men, as well.
So, God, it's time to say goodbye. It's time for me to move on so I can work through my autism the best I can. My prayers over the years were directed to a being who didn't exist in the first place. God, you will have company with my discarded myths of Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and the Easter bunny. I would like to say that I'm sorry, but I'm not.
I know finally that I'm not the plaything of invisible super-beings. I live in a world that is often not fair. A world that formed over billions of years is far more wonderful than anything religion can add to it.
So, God, sayonara,auf wiedersehen, au revoir.
Sincerely,
Danimal
Dear God,
We never went to church as a family. I didn't learn about you until I was 17 when I was introduced to an Assemblies of God church. There I learned that your worship was vibrant and emotional. I learned about the gifts of the spirit. I also learned about hypocrisy and narrow mindedness. But, we're only saved, not perfect, right?
You and I grew apart from each other when I joined the Army. I was leading a new, exciting life. I really didn't need you much. When I returned to the university, you and I got back together again. I didn't return to Pentecostalism. You lead me to various evangelical churches. Sure, the people tended to be bizarre at times and always narrow minded. But, we are all sinners. Who was I to judge your elect?
I eventually got married, found work, had four children, and eventually joined a United Methodist church. According to most people, you had richly blessed me. It was far from the real truth.
Ever since I can remember, I had difficulty getting along with people. I often didn't understand things people said to me. Because I could never look people directly in the eye, I was called "dishonest" and a "liar". I struggled with all the abstractions in sermons and in the bible. I was plagued with depression and despair. I was told that I was being attacked by Satan because I was "backslidden". Who was I to question Christians who were so much more spiritual than me?
I spent years in counseling. I was on powerful psychotropic medications. I sometimes spent days being nothing but a zombie. I spent time under the care of a psychiatrist. All this time I blamed my lack of faith. If only I was as spiritual as my friends at church were. If only I was a great christian father and husband, you would deliver me from the hell my mind was in. I prayed for deliverance. Even though I received nothing but silence, I still believed you were listening.
God, did I say "friends"? What I really had at church was "fellowship". Those that I thought were friends actually considered themselves "mentors". They believed that I was inferior to them spiritually, I needed their help, God, if you were to really love me.
I was always told that you never send more than we can bear. I believed that until a year ago. I finally had an answer to all my various mental afflictions: Aspergers syndrome, a form of high functioning autism. God, I was crushed. The more I learned, the more I realized why I think so concretely, don't understand abstractions, have limited capacity to interact with others, and have various sensory difficulties. Finally, I realized that you had indeed sent me more affliction than I could bear.
For months I questioned my faith. For the first time, I questioned you, God. As usual, there were no answers. I asked your spiritual people questions, but they began to shun me. I began attending church less and less. I quit singing those songs you love so much. I discovered that I had no friends in church. I discovered, metaphorically, the emperor had no clothes. Many Christians were actually delusional. Your scripture wasn't inspired, but was written by men. Finally, God, I realized you were simply an invention of men, as well.
So, God, it's time to say goodbye. It's time for me to move on so I can work through my autism the best I can. My prayers over the years were directed to a being who didn't exist in the first place. God, you will have company with my discarded myths of Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and the Easter bunny. I would like to say that I'm sorry, but I'm not.
I know finally that I'm not the plaything of invisible super-beings. I live in a world that is often not fair. A world that formed over billions of years is far more wonderful than anything religion can add to it.
So, God, sayonara,auf wiedersehen, au revoir.
Sincerely,
Danimal
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