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Fairing above the Fairytale

By Kolby ~

It has been about a year and a half now since I have de-converted from Christianity. I still feel even though I have internally embraced this new walk of life, that there is still a cross to bear with religion. I have a family of my own (my wife who is a Christian, and a two year old son). I as well still work for a religious organization for almost 2 and a half years coming up. I have told my wife a year ago & she had taken it pretty well (as she is more laidback in her faith). She has told me however it could be a ‘desert place’ until god brings me back, but the truth is I will never go back to something so manipulative.

How I lost my faith started one day while I was researching the bible, and oddly this question came to me ‘What is truth?’. Although very simple, this question I could not just throw faith at. This question came from my very gut begging the response. As I pondered to give reason for Jesus, the bible, personal experience to faith, the more I tried the more something interesting had occurred. For the very first time I was thinking for myself. As I thought and weighed what faith I had verses these practical questions, I found myself comparing religions/faiths/sciences all together and it was so eye-opening! I wasn’t scared at all b/c I was completely by myself and so I had the whole day to wrestle faith with thought. It made me rather upset at the same time that I had bought into the hype of religion so naively when I first ‘got saved’, primarily because I knew no better, and handed trust innocently over to the ‘seasoned in faith’ to tell me how to believe instead of being guided individually on how to believe.

After leaving the faith I scheduled time with the pastor and leadership of the church to be open with my new stance (and honestly to see if they would provide some reason for me to still believe). But in speaking with them mostly on the issues of hell I happened ~ just with honest questions and examples to stump even them! And they responded “Well you just gotta have faith brother! The bible says after all to lean not on your own understanding but trust in the Lord.) Geeze……Now, I wonder why the bible would say such a thing? Maybe because if you used your head you’d realize there is a whole world out there full of possibilities! And even when I saw the dumbfounded look on their faces due to basic common sense, they retorted to Christian authors about these authors’ sayings and evidences. I continued to make my point rather upset to say to them that “with all due respect if you have use outside sources and rehearsed answers, is it any wonder you need faith in religion if you can’t honestly ponder the depth the yourselves?”. They all looked distraught, like I had just ripped them off. But it was clear with the sad and shady looks that I was going have to move on. I still consider them friends, but we hardly see each other anymore.

As for my wife, she has oddly followed suit with me for she only attends church once in a while. Even when I was a ‘super Christian’ attending everything under the sun, she would not do anything that encouraged bible reading or prayer so much as being a part of the social gathering of things which I found strange in my ‘super Christian’ days. But talking with her about bible reading and prayer she felt was fake and rehearsed in group settings, which I agree it was myself. She has her parents however who are proud elders of their church, and you can practically see it when they put the ministry face on. They have taken recent notice of my dispassion and much time I spend by myself now and have questioned my spiritual walk. At this point I have brushed off honesty to save face mostly for the sake of my wife and my job, to say I still believe. I really don’t want any level of a holy jihad with the in-laws, or the losing of a well-paid job to support my family over some silly beliefs – that most don’t seem to understand anyways. But I do feel for all the closet agnostic-atheist others who in similar circumstances cannot parade to the full extent of their beliefs. I am half way out of the closet, and have been searching for some type of Agnostic support group (to gain new friends who think as I do, & about how to take the next steps to become fully open in my new walk of life). I hope this encourages those who are going through a similar walk. If anyone can lend some advice on taking the next step or how you handled the situation to be fully open, anything would be much appreciated! Thanks.