Skip to main content

Fight Club

By Dave J ~

Many of the stories I've read online are from an older generation. Baby boomers growing up in the 50's or 60's with overbearing religious parents or grandparents. I come at atheism from a slightly different perspective.

I grew up in the 90's. My parents are devout Catholics. My older sister has cerebral palsy so while Mom and her 3 sons went to church, Dad stayed behind. This may have been well intentioned but in hind sight, it probably just became a cop out. As a child I was an altar server. No I wasn't abused. My priest was one of the nicest and most intelligent people I've met and I considered him to be a good friend of mine. As a child, I went to Catholic schools and was very devout in my faith, to the point of discerning the priest-hood.

Before I continue some may be skeptical of my atheism because of my young age, but I honestly can't see it fading. It started about 7 years ago when I was in high school. I was no longer the blind child who said prayers every night but I was still very Catholic. At my Catholic high school I was top 5 in my class, achieved the highest test scores and held positions of leadership. I wasn't particularly popular, but I had a close niche of friends and I was fine with that. Interestingly, my atheism began to cultivate the same time my depression did. I had the high school relationships that I thought would last, but of course did not. That will get any kid down, but if it was that alone, "No problem, this is just God's plan." as my mother always said. What began it all was my relationship with my father.

A functional alcoholic, my father always made ends meet for his family and I never went without. My father had inherited mental issues from his mother so I suppose the vicious cycle was eminent. My father was mainly emotionally but sometimes physically abusive. He is the type of man that once he gets rolling, he just won't stop. He once told me during one of his rants, "You're really unlucky that your mom came home. I would have just knocked you out. What you're gonna get now is much worse." I was 14. Eventually his behavior took its toll. How could someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally treat me the way he did? As told by the 1999 film Fight Club, "Our fathers are our models for God," I began to think maybe God didn't love me either??

For a couple of years this was in my head but I tried not to think about it. Then when I was a Junior in high school, it came to a head. I was severely depressed and suicidal. My father was going on a rage about something my brother did, but my brother had fled home so my mother and I were the only ones he could take it out on. Specifically me. Every day I came home from school a feeling of dread pitted itself in my stomach as I grabbed the door knob to my house. That day, my father told me how worthless I am. That no one cares about me and that if I ever did anything like my brother, "I'll f***ing kill you."

I couldn't take it anymore so I ran to my room and prayed as hard as I could. I was either going to feel better or kill myself (an event I had planned out) because I couldn't take the abuse for another day. Though I calmed down, it was that day I was sure my prayers weren't being listened to. They weren't even leaving the confines of my bedroom. Instead of God, I thought of my sister. She was born with a condition that would never allow her to live a full life. She can not learn or love. She'll never have any of it. So if I kill myself because of my dad, it's a direct slap in her face. That thought was enough to keep me alive.

It has been a long road dealing with my depression issues, but I have not contemplated suicide for a year and a half. The major reason for this is my atheism. I'm an imperfect person, but I believe a damned good one. I don't need to worry about what happens to me when I die. I don't need to worry about what God would think of what I'm doing. I live for myself and for my sister. I live for the people I love.

In my college studies I studied Biology and further understood how the universe works, Biologically, physically and chemically. It just makes perfect sense now that God has no place in any of it. Those who live with that delusion and under the weight of religious obligation are simply adding unnecessary baggage to their lives. Stop using God as your excuse for the good/ bad things that happen in life. Just live it. That's what I've done and I've never been happier.


Popular posts from this blog


By David Andrew Dugle ~ O ctober. Halloween. It's time to visit the haunted house I used to live in. When I was five my dad was able to build a big modern house. Moving in before it was complete, my younger brother and I were sleeping in a large unfinished area directly under the living room. It should have been too new to be a haunted house, but now and then I would wake up in the tiny, dark hours and see the blurry image of a face, or at least what I took to be a face, glowing, faintly yellow, high up on the wall near the ceiling. I'm not kidding! Most nights it didn’t appear at all. But when it did show itself, at first I thought it was a ghost and it scared me like nothing else I’d ever seen. But the face never did anything; unmoving, it just stayed in that one spot. Turning on the lights would make it disappear, making my fears difficult to explain, so I never told anyone. My Sunday School teachers had always told me to be good because God was just behind m

The Blame Game or Shit Happens

By Webmdave ~ A relative suffering from Type 1 diabetes was recently hospitalized for an emergency amputation. The physicians hoped to halt the spread of septic gangrene seeping from an incurable foot wound. Naturally, family and friends were very concerned. His wife was especially concerned. She bemoaned, “I just don’t want this (the advanced sepsis and the resultant amputation) to be my fault.” It may be that this couple didn’t fully comprehend the seriousness of the situation. It may be that their choice of treatment was less than ideal. Perhaps their home diabetes maintenance was inconsistent. Some Christians I know might say the culprit was a lack of spiritual faith. Others would credit it all to God’s mysterious will. Surely there is someone or something to blame. Someone to whom to ascribe credit. Isn’t there? A few days after the operation, I was talking to a man who had family members who had suffered similar diabetic experiences. Some of those also suffered ea

Reasons for my disbelief

By Rebekah ~ T here are many layers to the reasons for my disbelief, most of which I haven't even touched on here... When I think of Evangelical Christianity, two concepts come to mind: intense psychological traps, and the danger of glossing over and missing a true appreciation for the one life we know that we have. I am actually agnostic when it comes to a being who set creation in motion and remains separated from us in a different realm. If there is a deistic God, then he/she doesn't particularly care if I believe in them, so I won't force belief and instead I will focus on this one life that I know I have, with the people I can see and feel. But I do have a lot of experience with the ideas of God put forth by Evangelical Christianity, and am confident it isn't true. If it's the case god has indeed created both a physical and a heavenly spiritual realm, then why did God even need to create a physical realm? If the point of its existence is to evolve to pas

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo

Why I left the Canadian Reformed Church

By Chuck Eelhart ~ I was born into a believing family. The denomination is called Canadian Reformed Church . It is a Dutch Calvinistic Christian Church. My parents were Dutch immigrants to Canada in 1951. They had come from two slightly differing factions of the same Reformed faith in the Netherlands . Arriving unmarried in Canada they joined the slightly more conservative of the factions. It was a small group at first. Being far from Holland and strangers in a new country these young families found a strong bonding point in their church. Deutsch: Heidelberger Katechismus, Druck 1563 (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) I was born in 1955 the third of eventually 9 children. We lived in a small southern Ontario farming community of Fergus. Being young conservative and industrious the community of immigrants prospered. While they did mix and work in the community almost all of the social bonding was within the church group. Being of the first generation born here we had a foot in two