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When Will It Stop Hurting?

By Belladarkness ~

When does the pain go away? I am really hurting and I don’t know where to turn. I had a really awful experience at a church and I am really broken inside at the rejection and judgment I received there. The people there were really cruel underneath but had a way of putting on a fake face in order to appear loving and kind to others. It was to the point that even when these people did things that were outright wrong, people would still support them and actually shun the people they hurt. Or just turn a blind eye to it.

My experience there was one that practically left me hopeless. I went there to get healing from past abuse and encountered more of it. I was involved in a lot of the Christian “counseling” groups and a lot of these groups opened up wounds without closure. Well at least for me, since everyone around me would say how much it was helping them or how god had delivered them from their abuse and I would think “Why not me? There must be something wrong with me”

Basically I was just the girl who had one to many problems that could not be healed over night and this started to really bother people around me. It was the same for others in the group. If you did not show some improvement, or get healed from your past quickly you were a nuisance. I even had a leader yell at me because basically she was tired of hearing about my problems and felt that I was bringing others down because of my struggles. She even accused me of trying to get one of the leaders alone so that I could force myself on them. She said this because I had developed a crush on one of the leaders (a woman) and she did not trust my intentions and said she knew I was planning to do something. I was extremely embarrassed by this to say the least. Earlier that year I came out to the small group and confessed to being bi-curious. I said that I was struggling with sinful feelings. I than confessed to the leader that it was to another woman in the group, But just because I am Bi-curious does not mean I am capable of crossing the line and violating someone!

Also many of my friends kept telling me that the woman I had a crush on (Also a leader) sounded like she was taking advantage of me. I would try to keep my distance from her because I knew what I felt was wrong, but whenever I tried to walk away she would say anything to keep me from getting distance from her including how much she “loved” me. It became apparent after a while that she was playing mind games, She would freak out when I talked about distancing myself from her because of my sin, than when she felt that I was there to stay she would practically act like I barely existed and make excuses to never have time to be in my life at all unless it was convenient for her (which was never). Eventually I confronted her about it and when I did she kept turning her back to me, walking away or changing the subject. I remember how confused I felt after that. I still don’t understand what the hell really happened or what her motives were…

I also experienced being talked about behind my back by members, having the pastor say offensive statements on the pulpit, seeing others cursed out and kicked out of the group by leaders, and being totally ostracized from peoples lives when I didn’t live up to their perfect expectations, and then lied to again and again by people who claimed to be my friends. Eventually I walked away from the church and went into a down hill spiral. I started to drink, neglect my appearance, and health. I pretty much became a shell of what I used to be. But, I still blame myself for staying there so long (I mean I didn’t let go of the group or others when I should have) and for being too broken and dirty. I feel dirty for being bi. I feel disgusting like I am the scum of the earth because I was accused of having rotten intentions towards a person that deep down inside I cared about…even though that person lied to me

I have tried to talk to my Christian friends but none will listen. One person said that I needed to get past all that happened and go back to that church.I feel like when I try to get someone to understand my feelings and experience about what happened I am either ignored, told I am being too sensitive, or not believed. I mean why would the perfect Christians ever do any of the things I just wrote? It must be me, the dirty little heathen who is solely at fault for what happened!….Needless to say these insensitive remarks and iciness from others has caused me to shut down and I feel like I bottle up everything inside because I don’t want to be criticized.

Anyway, I really don’t know what I believe anymore. I am all over the place and feel like the one “family” that I had is gone even though they were messed up they were my support. I have tried reaching out to others for a long time and get the same damn responses. And I just want to know how to get over this.

I hesitate to even post this because every time I have said something the results have been the same. No one believes these things could actually have happened at a church…even I never could have expected this. So many things happened there that if I tried to write about it all, it would be too long to post. And now I am so bitter…I walk around so somber…and my only hope have been sites like this one. Some stories here seemed similar to mine in many ways and it seemed so weird to me that so many different people had experienced the same kind of pain in the church…I never expected to lose faith, but when I reached out for help the Christians and various friends would distance themselves from me. I told one person that I thought I was starting to lose faith and her response was “I can’t believe you! God has done so much for you and you are just turning away!” than in time she stopped reaching out to me. I also had another person say that God sent me to that church to teach me a lesson so that I could learn to rely on him and not people…! Would he really be so cruel? So I guess his plan worked I learned a really harsh lesson, and I just want to know how to get over this.