Skip to main content

When Will It Stop Hurting?

By Belladarkness ~

When does the pain go away? I am really hurting and I don’t know where to turn. I had a really awful experience at a church and I am really broken inside at the rejection and judgment I received there. The people there were really cruel underneath but had a way of putting on a fake face in order to appear loving and kind to others. It was to the point that even when these people did things that were outright wrong, people would still support them and actually shun the people they hurt. Or just turn a blind eye to it.

My experience there was one that practically left me hopeless. I went there to get healing from past abuse and encountered more of it. I was involved in a lot of the Christian “counseling” groups and a lot of these groups opened up wounds without closure. Well at least for me, since everyone around me would say how much it was helping them or how god had delivered them from their abuse and I would think “Why not me? There must be something wrong with me”

Basically I was just the girl who had one to many problems that could not be healed over night and this started to really bother people around me. It was the same for others in the group. If you did not show some improvement, or get healed from your past quickly you were a nuisance. I even had a leader yell at me because basically she was tired of hearing about my problems and felt that I was bringing others down because of my struggles. She even accused me of trying to get one of the leaders alone so that I could force myself on them. She said this because I had developed a crush on one of the leaders (a woman) and she did not trust my intentions and said she knew I was planning to do something. I was extremely embarrassed by this to say the least. Earlier that year I came out to the small group and confessed to being bi-curious. I said that I was struggling with sinful feelings. I than confessed to the leader that it was to another woman in the group, But just because I am Bi-curious does not mean I am capable of crossing the line and violating someone!

Also many of my friends kept telling me that the woman I had a crush on (Also a leader) sounded like she was taking advantage of me. I would try to keep my distance from her because I knew what I felt was wrong, but whenever I tried to walk away she would say anything to keep me from getting distance from her including how much she “loved” me. It became apparent after a while that she was playing mind games, She would freak out when I talked about distancing myself from her because of my sin, than when she felt that I was there to stay she would practically act like I barely existed and make excuses to never have time to be in my life at all unless it was convenient for her (which was never). Eventually I confronted her about it and when I did she kept turning her back to me, walking away or changing the subject. I remember how confused I felt after that. I still don’t understand what the hell really happened or what her motives were…

I also experienced being talked about behind my back by members, having the pastor say offensive statements on the pulpit, seeing others cursed out and kicked out of the group by leaders, and being totally ostracized from peoples lives when I didn’t live up to their perfect expectations, and then lied to again and again by people who claimed to be my friends. Eventually I walked away from the church and went into a down hill spiral. I started to drink, neglect my appearance, and health. I pretty much became a shell of what I used to be. But, I still blame myself for staying there so long (I mean I didn’t let go of the group or others when I should have) and for being too broken and dirty. I feel dirty for being bi. I feel disgusting like I am the scum of the earth because I was accused of having rotten intentions towards a person that deep down inside I cared about…even though that person lied to me

I have tried to talk to my Christian friends but none will listen. One person said that I needed to get past all that happened and go back to that church.I feel like when I try to get someone to understand my feelings and experience about what happened I am either ignored, told I am being too sensitive, or not believed. I mean why would the perfect Christians ever do any of the things I just wrote? It must be me, the dirty little heathen who is solely at fault for what happened!….Needless to say these insensitive remarks and iciness from others has caused me to shut down and I feel like I bottle up everything inside because I don’t want to be criticized.

Anyway, I really don’t know what I believe anymore. I am all over the place and feel like the one “family” that I had is gone even though they were messed up they were my support. I have tried reaching out to others for a long time and get the same damn responses. And I just want to know how to get over this.

I hesitate to even post this because every time I have said something the results have been the same. No one believes these things could actually have happened at a church…even I never could have expected this. So many things happened there that if I tried to write about it all, it would be too long to post. And now I am so bitter…I walk around so somber…and my only hope have been sites like this one. Some stories here seemed similar to mine in many ways and it seemed so weird to me that so many different people had experienced the same kind of pain in the church…I never expected to lose faith, but when I reached out for help the Christians and various friends would distance themselves from me. I told one person that I thought I was starting to lose faith and her response was “I can’t believe you! God has done so much for you and you are just turning away!” than in time she stopped reaching out to me. I also had another person say that God sent me to that church to teach me a lesson so that I could learn to rely on him and not people…! Would he really be so cruel? So I guess his plan worked I learned a really harsh lesson, and I just want to know how to get over this.


Popular posts from this blog

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo


By David Andrew Dugle ~   S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden –  Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

Morality is not a Good Argument for Christianity

By austinrohm ~ I wrote this article as I was deconverting in my own head: I never talked with anyone about it, but it was a letter I wrote as if I was writing to all the Christians in my life who constantly brought up how morality was the best argument for Christianity. No Christian has read this so far, but it is written from the point of view of a frustrated closeted atheist whose only outlet was organizing his thoughts on the keyboard. A common phrase used with non-Christians is: “Well without God, there isn’t a foundation of morality. If God is not real, then you could go around killing and raping.” There are a few things which must be addressed. 1. Show me objective morality. Define it and show me an example. Different Christians have different moral standards depending on how they interpret the Bible. Often times, they will just find what they believe, then go back into scripture and find a way to validate it. Conversely, many feel a particular action is not

On Living Virtuously

By Webmdave ~  A s a Christian, living virtuously meant living in a manner that pleased God. Pleasing god (or living virtuously) was explained as: Praying for forgiveness for sins  Accepting Christ as Savior  Frequently reading the Bible  Memorizing Bible verses Being baptized (subject to church rules)  Attending church services  Partaking of the Lord’s Supper  Tithing  Resisting temptations to lie, steal, smoke, drink, party, have lustful thoughts, have sex (outside of marriage) masturbate, etc.  Boldly sharing the Gospel of Salvation with unbelievers The list of virtuous values and expectations grew over time. Once the initial foundational values were safely under the belt, “more virtues'' were introduced. Newer introductions included (among others) harsh condemnation of “worldly” music, homosexuality and abortion Eventually the list of values grew ponderous, and these ideals were not just personal for us Christians. These virtues were used to condemn and disrespect fro