Skip to main content

A Ticking Time Bomb

By Renoliz --

I can’t seem to help but to mull over my last, and final, brush with Christianity. And my bizarre fear of Satan and obsession with Hell. Mostly, these fears are gone now but it seems so strange. “What happened?”, I ask myself.

I was completely out of Christianity for years. 20 or 25 years. Then, after only a couple of years of going to church, I was afraid - afraid of Hell. Afraid of what Hell was doing to the unsaved. Afraid people would never hear the Good News of Jesus and roast in Hell for eternity.

I can only think that the Hell concept had been like a ticking time bomb. An implanted idea that exploded when I started going to church again. I went from being sort of spiritual to being a Christian afraid of Hell in a fairly short time span.

And when my logical mind was ready to leave the church, a few years later, my emotional brain was not so easily subdued. My rational self determining being was going into combat against my emotional Hell fearing subconscious being. I fought through it wearing the armor of rationality but it was actually a bit of a battle. What happened? All I can think of is that this implanted idea exploded like a time bomb.

You see, I did go to a Baptist church from four years of age until nine. And sporadically through my junior years after that. I went to Lutheran catechism class for a short time. And then I attended the “You are going to Hell” Baptist church for awhile. I was a bus kid.

I remember how happy I was as a small child to find out that Jesus loves me. But I thought I was surely going to Hell by the time church got done with me. “If you have ever doubted the name of Jesus, you are going to Hell.”

Yet, how could I not doubt there is a Jesus. Jesus was invisible. He never did seem to save me from all the ills of my growing up years. The multiple marriages and divorces my parents went through. All the times we went hungry and had virtually no clothes. Never saved me from the ramblings of an alcoholic mother who truly did not love us. Did not save me from being abused as a young teenager. Yes, I had my doubts.

I grew up, some, then got married pretty young. He was mean, my ex. I was sure that I just wasn’t a good enough wife. I could never be that wife of Christian fantasy. I tried, off and on. My ex and I never once went to church but I was stuck with this Christian concept of femininity. But I had smarts and guts and tenacity. I considered all I had read and all I was learning. I got out of that marriage and went on to make a life for myself. A life that did not include Christianity.

And that was that for many, many years. Until five years after my marriage to a man that loves me with all his heart. We were sitting together at the dining room table and Hubby wanted to get saved. I said, “Okay.” Yeah, what was I thinking? So Pastor Butthead helped Hubby say the sinners prayer and off we went to church the next Sunday.

I think that is when the fuse of the ticking time bomb of my previous indoctrination was lit. The fuel was Baptist sermons. Obey, submit, be second in this world as a woman. I kept trying to like this bitter concoction they were serving. I didn’t like its foul taste but I made faces and swallowed it anyway. The fear of Hell crept in quietly at first. Then it drummed at me. People are going to Hell. How can God love me and not those people who are going to Hell?

I finally quit the church because my mind said it was wrong to stay. But then I still had to work on my fear of Hell. That is when this ticking time bomb of fear exploded. I didn’t believe in Hell but I was afraid of it anyway. I had nightmares and dreams and racing heart fears. What is up with that?

You can read the psychology books and the neurological studies. You can read about cults and brainwashing. You can read about right brain and left brain and reptilian brain. But it is the darndest thing when something like this is happening to your brain.

Obviously, I worked my way through my fear of Hell. Here I am today a full fledged ex-Christian. But trying to understand this irrational fear of Hell and all the turmoil I went through is something I am still trying to process. In a way, I still just don’t get it.

I keep coming back to “It was like a ticking time bomb. An implant from my younger, formative years. Evil Biblegod was an idea waiting to wake up and take over, turning me into a zombie for Jesus. Fortunately, I was wearing the armor of reason by now.”


Popular posts from this blog

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our


By David Andrew Dugle ~   S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden –  Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo

On Living Virtuously

By Webmdave ~  A s a Christian, living virtuously meant living in a manner that pleased God. Pleasing god (or living virtuously) was explained as: Praying for forgiveness for sins  Accepting Christ as Savior  Frequently reading the Bible  Memorizing Bible verses Being baptized (subject to church rules)  Attending church services  Partaking of the Lord’s Supper  Tithing  Resisting temptations to lie, steal, smoke, drink, party, have lustful thoughts, have sex (outside of marriage) masturbate, etc.  Boldly sharing the Gospel of Salvation with unbelievers The list of virtuous values and expectations grew over time. Once the initial foundational values were safely under the belt, “more virtues'' were introduced. Newer introductions included (among others) harsh condemnation of “worldly” music, homosexuality and abortion Eventually the list of values grew ponderous, and these ideals were not just personal for us Christians. These virtues were used to condemn and disrespect fro

I can fix ignorance; I can't fix stupid!

By Bob O ~ I 'm an atheist and a 52-year veteran of public education. I need not tell anyone the problems associated with having to "duck" the "Which church do you belong to?" with my students and their parents. Once told by a parent that they would rather have a queer for their sons' teacher than an atheist! Spent HOURS going to the restroom right when prayers were performed: before assemblies, sports banquets, "Christmas Programs", awards assemblies, etc... Told everyone that I had a bladder problem. And "yes" it was a copout to many of you, but the old adage (yes, it's religious) accept what you can't change, change that which you can and accept the strength to know the difference! No need arguing that which you will never change. Enough of that. What I'd like to impart is my simple family chemistry. My wife is a Baptist - raised in a Baptist Orphanage (whole stories there) and is a believer. She did not know my religi