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I am still living a lie

By VeryBerry --

I went to church this morning just because I have been attending church services for 33 years. In fact, I don't believe in the God of the bible anymore; nor am I afraid of hellfire. I have such the peace that surpasses all understanding from seeking and finding the truth. My article may seem like a general rant about Christianity, but I feel the need to write to diffuse my anger against years of religious brainwashing. Please bear with me as I publish bits and pieces of my painful journey to freedom.

As I sat in church this morning, I thought about WizenedSaged's latest article "The truth shall set you free" which triggered some memories about all the years that I was convinced of being free from sins. However, now I feel truly free from bondage and I can say "I ain't scared of burning in hell." What hell? Where is Hell? Can my GPS take me there? I am not afraid of something that doesn't exist.

Many of you might ask if I am so secure in being agnostic, why do I keep going to church? I still go to church because I don't feel ready to come out yet. I have met wonderful Christians throughout the years. Moreover, I am still feel the need to attend services. Ironically, I could not sing the lyrics of a song that I used to sing with conviction and assurance:

I went to the enemy's camp
And I took back what he stole from me
He is under my feet, Satan is under my feet.

I couldn't sing along... I couldn't threaten to tread upon an invisible enemy. What exactly did Satan steal from me? So, as the congregation was stomping the devil, I felt like a hypocrite. I don't know when I will announce the news of my deconversion to my family and friends, but I felt like an outcast today. Despite the fact that I am popular in church, I still wish I were elsewhere, I felt like I font belong anymore. Why is it so hard to let go?

On another note, I would like to express my heartfelt gratitude to the contributors of this site. Everytime I get scared, angry, depressed, and confused, I read se deconversion stories from the archives, the stories reaffirm my decision to stop believing in fairy tales. Special thanks to Gleb, buffettphan, Mriana, WisendSaged, Discordia, Renoliz, Summerbreeze, Eveningmeadows, Dave the Webmaster, and many others, your rants, sarcastic comments, and testimonials have enlightened me.