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The Struggles of Brain Washing

By Aaron Mark ~

Growing up, I have moved 16x in my life, and have lived in 7 different states, and also one foreign country. I have attended the following types of churches: non-denominational, bible, Baptist (more than one kind), Lutheran, catholic, Methodist, etc…

I have studied and obsessed about Christianity for years. I remember when I was a teenager, I was picked on so much, and shunned away anyone whoever cared for me, that Jesus was my only friend. I would obsess about Jesus, and actually “preach” the “good news.” I was part of Baptist churches that had a heavy emphasis on “soul winning”. In other words, your get out of hell free card. Actually, up until the time of my enlistment in the Army, I actually wanted to be a missionary. I wanted to spread god’s “love” to everyone. I considered going to a Christian college, and getting my degree in “missions” I felt sorry for all the missionaries in third world countries and hostile countries where they were being persecuted and tortured for spreading their faith.

There’s a moment in my life that I will never forget. It was my first year in the Army, and god was the last thing on my mind, even though I still occasionally went to church. There were three Mormon's heading towards my sergeant’s house, since my sergeant and my friends were hanging out at his house that day. I patiently listened to their beliefs, even though I would never actually convert. The one thing that struck me I will never forget. There was a teenage girl, probably around 15, with a long skirt. Definitely conservative type. She started telling me about the “golden plates” that Joseph Smith found. The look in her eyes was the same look I had towards Christianity, and the same trust that I had all my life as a child and even into my late teens. I realized right then that blind faith not only applies to Christianity.

I will never forget the times when I would leave tracts everywhere proclaiming god’s love for humanity. I would hand out the “good news” on the streets of the city to everyone I could see. I felt people needed to know about this, and save them from “hell.” I realized that everyone pretty much knows what Christianity is all about, and a lot of people just don’t believe it. There are too many loopholes and I don’t blame them. The whole concept of hell and eternal flames. Uh, a few questions:

  1. What about those who haven’t heard?
  2. What about those who have been mistreated, tortured, or killed by so called Christians?
  3. What about the mentally handicapped, and the thousands of children who die every day of starvation
  4. What about the people who just thinks it doesn’t make sense?
  5. What’s the point of Jesus dying for your sins, if you HAVE to believe it? Wouldn’t it mean that once he died for EVERYONE, that EVERYONE would be saved from hell’s flames?
  6. Let’s not forget the people who have been tortured, raped, burned alive, skinned a live, etc.
  7. What about the soldiers who die in war and are not believers?
  8. How about the children with terminal cancer?

I could go on and on….

I don’t see god’s love in Christianity at all. Yeah, logically it makes sense. It explains where good and evil come from, why we are on this earth, what our purpose is. And that’s all great. But emotionally, it makes ZERO sense. And you know it’s true. Can you look me in the eye and actually tell me that I will burn in a lake of fire FOREVER? As in nonstop torment? All because I haven’t heard, didn’t believe, or it just didn’t make sense to me?

Is it really logical to think if there was nuclear war and we all died tomorrow, that 6 BILLION of us would be in flames (in hell)?I come from a line of Israeli and Asian descent. Well, if Christianity is true, then EVERYONE I mean EVERYONE in my family except my sister and dad and grandma are all right now as we speak burning in flames forever for following their Jewish and Buddhist traditions. Oh and let’s not forget the holocaust, where 6 million Jews were killed. Show me one Christian who actually has the balls to say that they are in flames, FOREVER! Not one will tell you that. They’ll beat around the bush because they don’t want to admit that they honestly believe that they are in hell. They were good people who just tried to survive in this world. And they’re burning for that? Get outta here.

I forgot to mention all the Protestant and Catholic wars, the crusades, the inquisition, forced conversions through torture, etc. Oh and where’s Jesus? He disappeared into heaven 2,000 years ago and hasn’t come back yet. What’s the hold up? Oh and what happened to all the non-believers the moment Christ rose again? At that moment he rose again, either you’re going up or down, so it was up to Christ’s apostles to “spread the word”. Yeah, all the apostles knew of that time was the Middle East. They didn’t know about the other countries. What about the Indians in North America before Columbus discovered it? They never heard of Jesus, and they were just living life.

A lot of Jesus words were parables, and not really direct answers. By the way, why didn’t he write anything? What happened between the ages of 1-33? Anybody know?

Loophole after loophole, personal experiences demystified, but I will continue…

Right now there are around 8 BILLION people, yes I said BILLION people on this planet so far. Around, let’s just say, 2 billion are actual Christians of some sort, whether that be Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, etc.

Is it really logical to think if there was nuclear war and we all died tomorrow, that 6 BILLION of us would be in flames?

God is LOVE right? Where is the love? Why would an all loving God not only create human kind in the first place (knowing they would mess up by the way) but create an inferno for the devil (which He also created) the fallen angels (which He allowed them to rebel) and non-believers (which He knew people wouldn’t believe in the first place)? WTF?

What do I believe? That is a tough one. I can’t really give an answer. Where is the line between delusion, reality, and scientific experiences? What is religious experience? Is it actually a supernatural act or some sort of mind trick to make us feel important, needed, and loved in this fucked up world we live in?

In the Army, I claimed Agnostic, but I also claimed Christian. It’s not easy to completely lose your identity. When it comes to me, I feel one day my doubt will eat my faith away, or my faith will eat my doubt away. Hopefully one day one will eat the other. But right now, as I write this, it is still a struggle.

I have an AMAZING girlfriend who I love. Can I honestly think that she is going to HELL FOR ETERNITY?

Who am I to judge who goes up and who goes down? I would like some divine intervention, but I have not received that yet.

I wish I had some evidence, some proof that hell didn’t exist. That when we die we all just go to a better place.

When will the struggle end? I wish I could leave the faith entirely, but something, whatever it is, still keeps me tied down.