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I am a Double Agent

By Allen Blaine ~

My name is Baine, Allen Baine (not my real name) and I am a double agent. What do I mean by that? Simply I am living life as a Christian and yet do not believe.

It all started back in 2007 when I found this site and started reading. In 2008 I started to blog here on a regular basis up until 2011. In fact many of you have read my blogs and I was quite popular here. My final blog was about my life story. But it was the only blog I would do about my life story. I never got to finish.

You see, in Summer 2011 I separated from my wife of 10 years. After an auto accident that fall, I found myself back together with her. Then in Novemeber I met a new friend who challenged me, and I found myself refinding my faith...or so I thought. Over the course of a year things went back to how they were before, and this last summer we separated again.

It was July of 2012. This time things got strange and I won't even go into it. But this time the separation is turning into divorce and preparing to file as I write this. I moved out of the house and eventually met a girl and moved in with her. As it turns out she is very religious and is a big Joyce Meyer fan who I can't stand.

I now find myself struggling as she is trying to strengthen my faith and yet I am struggling with the idea of even believing in the first place. So now I am stuck and not sure what to do here. We do love each other but I can't go on like this for much longer. In fact considering moving away soon. I will have some money to settle with, just need a place to go and a job. For details you will have to write me directly at sweetolyman5 AT Yahoo DOT com .

This is my cover address, I will reply from my real one. I have to be real careful until I figure this out. Its frustrating as I wanted to find my way back to God, but it's just not there. I just can't swallow this whole Christian thing anymore. On top of it all I made some poor choices that resulted in totally bringing my life to a halt and now work a dead end job and am losing the home I shared with the wife and most of what we bought together over the years.

Mostly just my personal belongings. I feel so phony and afraid to tell my girlfriend my feelings. I truly wanted to be a goldy man for her, but its just not there. I just can't. How can I go back when I see so much deception and find myself being faced with the same old half baked excuses and theories. I just can't swallow it. Even my girlfriend is caught up in it all and honestly believes all of it. On a lighter side, I now get to see the Christian life from a different perspective. To see in action what I once believed. But it saddens me when I see so many invested in this. But deep inside, I am still free, but yet feel bound.

So what to do? Where to go? Thanks for listening. I want to change my life in a big way and be myself once again.