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God: The Man With a Plan

By Scott ~

As I was organizing my thought for this writing, I remembered a scene from “The Jerk” that appropriately described the ridiculous xtian scam. The scene went something like this: Steve Martin was a weight guesser at the carnival and was lamenting the fact that he was not a good weight guesser and he was giving away too many prizes (8 pencils, 2 hula dolls, and an ash tray) and therefore losing money for the carnival. His supervisor consoled him and explained that he had taken in $15 and only given away $.50 worth of crap, for a profit of $14.50. Christianity takes in billions of dollars and millions of lives with promises of eternal life, healing, an invisible friend to comfort them in times of trouble, a loving god who has a plan… and only delivers $.50 of crap.

The last item, god’s plan, is what I want to address specifically. Recently in Albuquerque, NM, there was a tragedy in which a 15 year old boy became frustrated with his mother. He waited for her to go to sleep and shot her. He didn’t stop there. He went on to murder his 9 year old brother, and two sisters (5 and 2). He then hid and waited for his father to come home from work and murdered him. After the murders, he apparently went to his family’s church and hung out there with his girlfriend for a while before telling Vince Harrison, who is the church security chief and a family friend, that his family was dead. Subsequent information suggested the boy had planned to engage in an additional mass shooting at a Wal-Mart, but did not carry out the plan. Harrison, when asked about the Wal-Mart plan, stated "that sends chills down my spine, but obviously God had a different plan." Wait, what? Are you effin kidding me? So that would suggest that god’s plan was to have the five family members brutally murdered? Or did his plan just involve the Wal-Mart shoppers that were sparred? Congratulations, you just gave away $.50 of crap. Here is a link to the story:

Somehow, god seems to escape blame for life's tragedies, but gets credit for the averted tragedies. We’ve all seen numerous examples of god’s teflon qualities. I have a son who struggles with OCD and anxiety issues. A friend once asked if the medication was working. When I told her that the medication seemed to be having a positive effect, her response was “God is good”. No! If god was good (or even real), my son, or anyone else, wouldn’t have to deal with these issues. Wouldn’t it make better sense for god to just bypass the disease altogether than to have to come up with the disease and the cure? Another great plan by almighty gawd! Thanks for the $.50 of crap, with sprinkles on top!

That brings me to the "plan of salvation." (sorry to drop the church speak on you, just a carry over from my xtian days) Any creator who could f*** up his creation plan so much that he would have to kill most everyone and start over is probably not worthy of my attention. Plan B was also a colossal fail. The plan of strict legalism involving proper worship, dress, sacrifice, diet, sexuality, etc. just wasn’t working out. So now the smartest entity in the universe comes up with his best plan yet. He decided to send himself to earth in the form of his son while his daddy form stayed in heaven. The son would get killed and go back to heaven and everyone who believed in the son and the dad could come to heaven and live with them. Now that’s $.50 worth of crap with sprinkles and a candle.

BTW What if Jeebus died from a heart attack before he was crucified. Would that have been a deal breaker?