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Irreconcilable Differences

By Carl S ~

When we first met, I was with others who swore to your kindness, lovingness, caring. You impressed me to no end; I fell in love with you. But you had a past no one cared to notice and which I had to find out about on my own. In spite of all our time together, you haven't changed. I can't remember a time when we discussed and saw eye to eye on an important matter. It had to be your way or else. You never treated my intelligence with respect.

There never was a "we." While I gave up everything for you, I had to keep lying to myself, hoping I'd be acceptable as I am, but I could never be good enough for you. It wouldn't happen, was not to be. Your attitudes are set; you weren't about to change your attitudes as long as your systems successfully kept us under your thumb. It was always about you. When I came, battered, before your arrogant friends, they defended you, telling me, "You must have provoked him," or "What did you say or do, what kind of attitude did you take to offend him?" They told me my suffering was for my own good because you loved me and wanted me to become a better person. You and they said I was stupid and refused to understand and accept your wisdom.

But why did you make my innocent children suffer physically and mentally? Why is that your modus operandi, your answers to questioning, to punish, punish and lay down ultimate threats? You thought you had rights to do this. What about our rights? You call that "love?"

I cannot forget the days when homosexuals disappeared overnight from our neighborhood; then the gypsies were taken away, as well as the Jewish families, all those beautiful children, never to be seen again. Did you know what would become of them? What about the women of Bosnia raped by soldiers, and those hacked to death in Rwanda? Your answer was, "Trust me. It's for the greater good." You let your own children suffer and die for that “reason," while others scurried about trying to prevent their agonies and deaths.

And all the time, I heard the same refrain repeated: "Your puny mind can't understand, but some day you will." But I do understand depraved indifference, negligence, and willful impotence. "Merciful" and "compassionate" are just labels stuck on you to hide what's behind. A man once told me, "Even if he should kill me, yet will I love him." I do not accept a sadomasochistic relationship, a battered wife relationship. I won’t live under such intolerable circumstances. You kept testing me with the candy-coated poison of hope, and I kept hoping things would change, as you would say, "for the better."

I sickened of your playing games with people and playing tricks on us; threatening me and threatening the kids. I refuse to have my kids accepting you as a role model, copying you. And what kind of a father tells his children to harm and even kill each other?

Trust you? I had to get out, to save myself and those I love, as much as possible. My conscience and senses and my longing for freedom told me, "You'd be better off without him." And I am. I ignore you as I look at all the suffering in life, and try to alleviate it when I can, even with humor, which you never have. No one can tell me I must love someone I can't. Find someone else to stroke your ego.


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