Dear God

By atheistnurse ~

Dear God,

I tried your breeding tips as outlined in your book Genesis 30:37-43 with my goats and cattle and didn’t have any results. I cut the skin off tree branches and stuck them in my livestock’s watering place and, well, nothing happened. Jacob did real good with it, but I am not having the same results. People have laughed at me for believing the Creator of the Universe might know something about livestock breeding, but I know your Word is inerrant, so if you could just give me some kind of sign on why I am not getting results I would appreciate it cause I really want to stick it to those naysayers who think your Word is just silly superstitious nonsense.

I hope you have noticed how I have defended you from others who say you sure sound gay in the OT when you go on and on about decorating your temple and designing clothes with fringes, bells, jewels, and pomegranates. You also use purple a lot. I think they sound cool, but, you know homosexual men really like decorating and designing. Just a heads up because I know you have a lot of sexual hang ups that you like to smite people with and it wouldn’t look so good if you were, well...

I was also wondering if you had tips on how to get blood out of clothes. I noticed you are really into sprinkling and smearing blood all over priests and altars so I guess I just assumed you knew a really good way to get bloodstains out of clothes. While I am asking, could you explain why Moses put blood on Aaron’s right ear, thumb, and big toe before waving cow fat and organs before you then burning them? I am just trying to figure out how best to please you and, to be honest, that part kind of stumps me as to why you might like that? Is it the humor of watching us mortals do whatever ridiculous things you ask? Not that you ask ridiculous things. I should have said “unfathomable.” Sorry.

One more thing. I think my wife has been unfaithful and I was wanting to know the recipe for that drink (the bitter water that causes the curse) to make her thighs rot and her belly swell up if she is guilty. Do I have to do that wave offering thing with it for it to work?

Thanks in advance for answering me. A real clear answer would be terrific. Like, actually talking to me or sending me a letter from out of the sky. I am not real good at interpreting signs and symbolic stuff. Or dreams.

Your confused but dedicated servant,

Willy Smiteme