Skip to main content

Searching Still...

By A Clever Name ~

I'm dealing with my spiritual identity and after reading a few posts around here, found this place to be a place of comfort of sorts.

SearchingImage by kevindooley via Flickr

Like many others, I was raised in deeply Christian home and my particular flavor was that of the speaking in tongues and getting lost in the spirit. While the emotional state of those encounters were undeniably great(sorry for the lack of a better description), there was nothing to the religion. I've since moved beyond that hyperactive view of Christianity and taken the position of doing what's right because it's the right thing to do. Granted, things are often what you put into them, but either way, at 27 now and married for 4 years, I find myself searching and Christianity is showing itself to be more and more empty.

It should be noted that I remember the first crack in my faith was around 13 or 14 when we had a evangelist come in and say that there were other gospels floating around at the time the Gospels were written. At that early age, it floored me. No one told me there were other stories and at that age I accepted whatever was told of me. The Bible is the only Truth and only existence of said stories? Sure, Ok. When those doubts were voiced, it was said that those were the stories that God wanted us to know...

I've also been burned too many times by folks in the church. Some how people politely excuse political intrigue in the church as something that's part of the process. My dad, who was a youth pastor for 4 years at a church, found out he wasn't the youth pastor of that 350-400 member church by looking in the church bulletin and saw his farewell dinner on the itinerary that night. How many times is it okay to screw up someone's life and faith for you're own protection/advancement before it becomes not OK?

I'm also a student of history. As I've researched the political climate of the various stages in the story and the formation of the Christian faith. I've found there are literally a ton of important climate/culturally relevant information that is blatantly ignored in churches and would cause even the Cannon to interpreted differently.

The final crack over years and years of cracks -- the one that shattered my faith -- was the attempted suicide of my wife. She has suffered from major depressive disorder during the entirety of our relationship. Finally being diagnosed about two years into dating her. To those who have lived with a depressed spouse, then maybe you can identify, but if not, it is like watching someone drown slowly 5 feet away from you and you can't do a thing to help. I've tried. She's tried. We're still going to therapy and she's now up to anti-psychotic medication. Her heart is as huge as the sky. Always giving, always wanting the best for others and for me. She still calls herself a Christian and has some type of hope for the Afterlife. I can't stand the thought of a God that allows such suffering while the heart is so big and full of passion for Him. What does the faith offer? "You just gotta trust in Him..."

REALLY? Hmm. OK. Sorry, that's not working. We're losing our car because she had to quit her job due to the depression. We're on a slippery slope to lose the house next. What is life that you should live it dangling from a string, in hopes that one day, just maybe, one day it'll be kinda better...

This "trust" is only making our marriage more rocky. Only making the bills harder to pay. Only making the disparity between reality and faith further and further apart.

And if life never gets better? God's will. There. You can't argue that. Nobody knows God. Who are you to question?

Anyways, I guess that's it for now. I'm a very new at this and I guess I'm just wondering how, if any out there has had a similar experience, how they managed...

Because I'm pretty sure I'm done with the whole Christianity thing.


Popular posts from this blog

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo


By David Andrew Dugle ~   S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden –  Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

Why I left the Canadian Reformed Church

By Chuck Eelhart ~ I was born into a believing family. The denomination is called Canadian Reformed Church . It is a Dutch Calvinistic Christian Church. My parents were Dutch immigrants to Canada in 1951. They had come from two slightly differing factions of the same Reformed faith in the Netherlands . Arriving unmarried in Canada they joined the slightly more conservative of the factions. It was a small group at first. Being far from Holland and strangers in a new country these young families found a strong bonding point in their church. Deutsch: Heidelberger Katechismus, Druck 1563 (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) I was born in 1955 the third of eventually 9 children. We lived in a small southern Ontario farming community of Fergus. Being young conservative and industrious the community of immigrants prospered. While they did mix and work in the community almost all of the social bonding was within the church group. Being of the first generation born here we had a foot in two

Morality is not a Good Argument for Christianity

By austinrohm ~ I wrote this article as I was deconverting in my own head: I never talked with anyone about it, but it was a letter I wrote as if I was writing to all the Christians in my life who constantly brought up how morality was the best argument for Christianity. No Christian has read this so far, but it is written from the point of view of a frustrated closeted atheist whose only outlet was organizing his thoughts on the keyboard. A common phrase used with non-Christians is: “Well without God, there isn’t a foundation of morality. If God is not real, then you could go around killing and raping.” There are a few things which must be addressed. 1. Show me objective morality. Define it and show me an example. Different Christians have different moral standards depending on how they interpret the Bible. Often times, they will just find what they believe, then go back into scripture and find a way to validate it. Conversely, many feel a particular action is not