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In and Out of Religion.

By Ramos27 ~

I have not posted on this site since 2009, when my de-conversion happened. Many things have changed since then, and i have experienced so much of the world and life. New jobs, relationships, experimenting with finding another spiritual belief (yoga, meditation, etc.), finding peace and happiness, getting engaged and also, having the relationship fall apart.

Here is where the story picks up...The day of the break up I felt empty...spiritually empty and these were the words I told myself in my head, "I am spiritually disconnected". This is when all "heaven" broke loose. I started seeing signs and having weird experiences having to do with church and Christianity. Random phone calls from people in my ex-church, my non-religious mother suggesting I go to church again, and many more. There were too many signs to list here. All freaked out that Christianity was coming back I quit my job and went to California where my sister lives, for 5 weeks.

There I made an effort to finally decide what I believe, once and for all, and came out with the fact that I made a mistake living Christianity and even thought i was kicking and screaming inside, i couldn't deny the experiences i had that convinced me that somehow Jesus and God were real.

Fast forward two years later, and I am on this web-site, almost every day, trying to convince myself that what I have experienced isn't real and just in my head, but i can't.

What stops me are some experiences i can't explain, and even my rational and logical mind can't do away with.

I'll try to list few, and see if you guys can shed some light on then.

1) When those "Christian experiences" started happening, randomly my then boss, told me a story of a customer he had. It was a Catholic priest who came all depressed to his office, and told him about a exorcism experience he had. It was a family member of a person who committed a suicide and that person was being possessed and screaming that "i am in hell and your brother is there too". It was so real that it freaked him out and he couldn't shake of the fear and depression ever since.

2) While in California, many things have happened, but the most profound was when I decided to visit one church there. After the service i was walking on the street waiting for my sister, when a guy approached me and asked if I was just at the service. I said i was, and he told me how he was walking home and something told him to go the other way. He met me, and turns out he also just had his engagement end, he had to quite his job, and move back to his parents house, which were the three things that happened to me! I could not believe what I was hearing. He ended up praying for me and sharing some wisdom with me.

3) Last month I decided to go see a girl that I know, in her apartment, and to be quite frank, was supposed to "sin" with her that night. However, while walking into her apartment building an old black lady was walking by and said "don't do it, and make Jesus the Lord of your life".

Honestly, I don't know what else to do to stop believing. I want to not believe. I want to be non-religious again, but i don't know how to explain so many things that are pointing me somewhere else.

If anyone can help, please do. It will be appreciated.