Skip to main content

Have been drowning in doubt for a long time but I still cannot let go.

By Clay (aka, MooseinaCanoe) ~

I was raised Pentecostal until the age of 15 when my mother withdrew us from the church and she was shunned -- most folk that went there would not talk to her at all. We had the "Normal" Fire and Brimstone rhetoric. I was made to read "A Divine Revelation of Hell" at 12-13 so we could tell you what hell smelled tasted and felt like, but nothing about Heaven whatsoever. After that we did not go to church much until my mother joined a Baptist church, and I could remember the old pastor saying at the Pentecost church that Baptists are surely going to hell.

Well I remained in and out of church. but always believed in God until I was around 27. I started asking myself questions. It became so disturbing I actually sent emails to pastors in large theological seminaries for answers -- most came back stating "they will not be led into an argument over if God is real" while my faith just fell to pieces.

The more I thought, the more honest questions arose that I could not answer... until there were hundreds. And now here I am at 31 with even more questions and pretty much hanging on, but still I am confused.

 I cannot let go.

Every little hint of something I cannot understand makes me reevaluate. For instance, "The Wales Revival of 1904" in itself arises a lot of questions, but it is hard to discern myth from fact.

I just want to forget I ever knew any of this, honestly. I have a friend, a life long Atheist, he never gives a second thought to anything like this. Meanwhile I am still a nervous wreck and unable to forget anything or let my logic take over. I know I can never be a Christian with my questioning, but my mind refuses to let me be an atheist.

I am sorry if this is long, but I am at wits end here.

So, a few of my questions are simple.

1) They say something cannot come from nothing, so God had to make us. Well, God made the Universe from nothing. If something cannot come from nothing, how did god appear?

2) Why would God make an enemy? God says there is no sin in Heaven but somehow Angels who know his power and know that he knows everything rebel. Did they really think they were going to win? No. This being (Satan) is represented like a demigod; he is everywhere, has control over people, etc. Why make a being such as this. God gives his enemy reign over his creation. Why?

3) God places a tree in the garden knowing it will damn us all. God knows what will happen it is all part of his plan yet somehow we have free will (not possible).

4) God shows himself to the Israelites by raising a mountain but refuses to do anything of the sort in a modern time like now.

5) Then of course the multitudes of contradictions in the Bible.

6) The fact that I see most Christians living like me and some far far worse and they get to go to heaven by grace.

7) No one knows what in the Bible is literal or metaphorical.

8) The three Abrahamic religions all claim the others are false and all have valid points, but God does not correct this in any manner.

Just tons of things. Everything from the validity of Jesus and the Bible to the point of humankind. I cannot let go although I want to. I cannot say I believe I cannot say I do not believe fully. I cannot forget and it runs through my head over and over until some days my sanity is slipping away from me. I wish I could be confident in my logic. I see a psychiatrist now for severe panic attacks and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I think I have driven myself mad over this. I dream of demons and things I learned of in the Pentecost church.


Popular posts from this blog

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our


By David Andrew Dugle ~   S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden –  Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo

On Living Virtuously

By Webmdave ~  A s a Christian, living virtuously meant living in a manner that pleased God. Pleasing god (or living virtuously) was explained as: Praying for forgiveness for sins  Accepting Christ as Savior  Frequently reading the Bible  Memorizing Bible verses Being baptized (subject to church rules)  Attending church services  Partaking of the Lord’s Supper  Tithing  Resisting temptations to lie, steal, smoke, drink, party, have lustful thoughts, have sex (outside of marriage) masturbate, etc.  Boldly sharing the Gospel of Salvation with unbelievers The list of virtuous values and expectations grew over time. Once the initial foundational values were safely under the belt, “more virtues'' were introduced. Newer introductions included (among others) harsh condemnation of “worldly” music, homosexuality and abortion Eventually the list of values grew ponderous, and these ideals were not just personal for us Christians. These virtues were used to condemn and disrespect fro

I can fix ignorance; I can't fix stupid!

By Bob O ~ I 'm an atheist and a 52-year veteran of public education. I need not tell anyone the problems associated with having to "duck" the "Which church do you belong to?" with my students and their parents. Once told by a parent that they would rather have a queer for their sons' teacher than an atheist! Spent HOURS going to the restroom right when prayers were performed: before assemblies, sports banquets, "Christmas Programs", awards assemblies, etc... Told everyone that I had a bladder problem. And "yes" it was a copout to many of you, but the old adage (yes, it's religious) accept what you can't change, change that which you can and accept the strength to know the difference! No need arguing that which you will never change. Enough of that. What I'd like to impart is my simple family chemistry. My wife is a Baptist - raised in a Baptist Orphanage (whole stories there) and is a believer. She did not know my religi