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Have been drowning in doubt for a long time but I still cannot let go.

By Clay (aka, MooseinaCanoe) ~

I was raised Pentecostal until the age of 15 when my mother withdrew us from the church and she was shunned -- most folk that went there would not talk to her at all. We had the "Normal" Fire and Brimstone rhetoric. I was made to read "A Divine Revelation of Hell" at 12-13 so we could tell you what hell smelled tasted and felt like, but nothing about Heaven whatsoever. After that we did not go to church much until my mother joined a Baptist church, and I could remember the old pastor saying at the Pentecost church that Baptists are surely going to hell.

Well I remained in and out of church. but always believed in God until I was around 27. I started asking myself questions. It became so disturbing I actually sent emails to pastors in large theological seminaries for answers -- most came back stating "they will not be led into an argument over if God is real" while my faith just fell to pieces.

The more I thought, the more honest questions arose that I could not answer... until there were hundreds. And now here I am at 31 with even more questions and pretty much hanging on, but still I am confused.

 I cannot let go.

Every little hint of something I cannot understand makes me reevaluate. For instance, "The Wales Revival of 1904" in itself arises a lot of questions, but it is hard to discern myth from fact.

I just want to forget I ever knew any of this, honestly. I have a friend, a life long Atheist, he never gives a second thought to anything like this. Meanwhile I am still a nervous wreck and unable to forget anything or let my logic take over. I know I can never be a Christian with my questioning, but my mind refuses to let me be an atheist.

I am sorry if this is long, but I am at wits end here.

So, a few of my questions are simple.

1) They say something cannot come from nothing, so God had to make us. Well, God made the Universe from nothing. If something cannot come from nothing, how did god appear?

2) Why would God make an enemy? God says there is no sin in Heaven but somehow Angels who know his power and know that he knows everything rebel. Did they really think they were going to win? No. This being (Satan) is represented like a demigod; he is everywhere, has control over people, etc. Why make a being such as this. God gives his enemy reign over his creation. Why?

3) God places a tree in the garden knowing it will damn us all. God knows what will happen it is all part of his plan yet somehow we have free will (not possible).

4) God shows himself to the Israelites by raising a mountain but refuses to do anything of the sort in a modern time like now.

5) Then of course the multitudes of contradictions in the Bible.

6) The fact that I see most Christians living like me and some far far worse and they get to go to heaven by grace.

7) No one knows what in the Bible is literal or metaphorical.

8) The three Abrahamic religions all claim the others are false and all have valid points, but God does not correct this in any manner.

Just tons of things. Everything from the validity of Jesus and the Bible to the point of humankind. I cannot let go although I want to. I cannot say I believe I cannot say I do not believe fully. I cannot forget and it runs through my head over and over until some days my sanity is slipping away from me. I wish I could be confident in my logic. I see a psychiatrist now for severe panic attacks and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I think I have driven myself mad over this. I dream of demons and things I learned of in the Pentecost church.