The mind is an interesting place. I de-converted from Christianity after being in the military. My eyes were opened to the rest of the world. I began to see how other people in different countries were so different. They had no concept of my reality. Then I saw other Americans that weren't Christian. This was totally new to me. I began to study and learn about the world. It was a little difficult but I dropped the religion. I liked being in control of my life and not depending on something outside of myself to make things happen. I was religion free for about 10 years.
Later I went through a traumatic event. I was exposed to a chemical that was hazardous to my health for a long period of time. This chemical was a breathing hazard since it was in my body there was little I could do about it. I was a very healthy individual. This event cause me to feel out of control of my health. I develop anxiety. I didn't know it was anxiety. I just thought it was a response from the chemicals. I really thought I was dying. I would wake up in panic attacks thinking that was the end.
Out of fear of loss of control I turned to God for help (total lose of control). I actually didn't pray to Yahweh. I just asked god to help not really naming him. I got signs that maybe Yahweh was god or maybe I was just paying too much attention. I do stay in a holy city. Anxiety makes you really irrational. I don't think I would have made these choices in my right mind. With anxiety, my mind just raced all day long. Little sleep, just racing of thoughts. I often knew how irrational I was being but I couldn't stop it.
I committed my life to God or I tried. It made no since. I looked at people like Lee Strobel who was ex-atheist. This helped but I had way too many questions. I seemed too get the worse bible verses. Even one about Lucifer fallen. this shit made me feel horrible. I questioned myself constantly wondering if my actions were right or wrong. Thinking I am possessed or a devil. Thinking of visions of hell. Thinking everything that happened was the work of a devil or God. This is not healthy for a person dealing with anxiety or depression. This is what caused me to slip into depression. On top of that, to constantly feel unworthy is a really crappy feeling. This just lead to more anxiety and depression. my only way to explain this is like being in an abusive relationship. Your the horrible wife and your the problem. If you could just do this right and that right, then maybe you wouldn't get hit in the mouth so much. I just never crosses your mind to leave the relationship and it will be okay. I felt stuck and that's a horrible feeling. I didn't want to hang with Christians they didn't understand. Counselors would tell me to go to church. I never wanted to belittle anyone or any group of people. but just looking at myself before religion and after, I really do think it makes you dumber. I just do, I felt like I had gotten really stupid. I ignorantly thought because I couldn't just except this like everyone else i was to prideful. Everyone else here just excepts it. I felt so alone.
I had this freethinking mind and now I had to monitor my thoughts. Its so constricting. but I couldn't help but think and question God. I thought I was reprobate and all this other crap I was told when I was younger. I couldn't believe all this crap from religion was still in my head. I stopped hanging out and doing a lot of things I was doing. mostly because it was sin. I was blaming miss haps on the devil and sometimes even god as punishing me. This didn't lead to a healing of my anxiety or depression this mad it way worse.
I would go to church and feel like crap. I was always feeling guilty. playing more negativity over and over in my head. I think I just wanted to believe because I was sick and wanted help. but the fear and helplessness of the religion made everything worse. I just became sicker.
I never really told my family I didn't believe. a selected few knew. I stay in a very Christian city. I often felt like the only one not Christian. I felt like I didn't belong. I begin to think if I never would have left god this wouldn't have happens its my punishment. With my mom constantly beating church down my neck. It was difficult. I began to study some Buddhism. it made more since to me. I feel that the Buddhist teachings is what really helped me not Christianity. But apparently Buddhism is wrong. What a struggle.
I literally had given up. I thought I was the worst person in the world. I don't think most people will ever feel as bad as I felt. I hit rock bottom. Depressions sucks you isolate yourself and have way to much time to think. I gave these thoughts and god so much energy despite how i felt. I had to realize that no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I do. I don't see God as good and merciful. even if he is real I disagree with him. I control my life no invisible bogeyman. I didn't realize how damaging religion could be. I didn't really realize what I was doing when I went in. I think for self and question everything. I allowed that to be token away. I'm still not where I want to be by far but I did start back picking up the pieces.
I not Buddhist but I do feel its teaching are just more true and right from a spiritual stand point. I do practice some of the teachings. It greatly helped me where Christianity failed. I don't know how badly that chemical will ever affect me. but I do know religion sure did.
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