Skip to main content

Waking up from a Coma

By Steelblood ~

I've been coming to this site for almost two years now. I don't know why I'm suddenly submitting my deconversion story this evening, and I am certainly at a loss as to where to begin.

VoltronVoltron -- Image via Wikipedia
I was raised in an industrial-strength Christian household like many people who've contributed to this site. However, when I look back I'd always known that religion in general, and specifically the existence of a god is ridiculous at best. I think my first proverbial inkling was the night I was reading Genesis for the tenth time and I found myself thinking, "Why do I have less difficulty believing in Voltron, Defender of the Universe than I do in a fruit condemning humanity until a redeemer came along? (I recall specifically thinking of the messiah as being a "redeemer" for some reason.)
Regardless, I was and still am a voracious bibliophile; so I devoted a lot of time to reading apologetics, scripture, et al of many religions. I had to read about non-Christian religions in secret, because my mother was convinced that knowledge of such things is the way people become possessed by demons. Sadly, my mother grew far worse as the years went on--but more on that later.

The more I read, the more I became convinced that religion is a fraud. Ironically, I have my Jesuit teachers and professors to thank for this. There's no sarcasm there--despite their priesthood, the unadulterated reality is that they taught me how to think, and how to think before coming to a conclusion as opposed to coming to a conclusion that was comfortable. To quote one of my earliest mentors, "If you can't back up everything you're saying with 1,800 years of world history at a minimum, then just keep your mouth shut!" Oddly, however, I always seemed to repress reason every time its head would pop up.

As time went on I found that I'd always wanted to become a monk, leave the world behind, and spend my time studying the nature of god. (And yes, I mean, the "nature of god" not "scripture" or "doctrine".) Even when I would be away from the church entirely with no desire to ever go back (My mother had taken to throwing holy water at me while I was in high school because she was convinced I was possessed by the devil. Why? you ask? Because I told her I wanted to be an artist.) the desire for monasticism was always in the back of my mind. Eventually I would hear the proverbial calling very strongly, and, after twenty years of this, decided to follow that calling.

So, I walked off of a very successful career, donated all my possessions to charity, donated all my cash, and went to speak to the local bishop. The strange thing in retrospect is that while all this was happening, I still found many teachings of the church to questionable to say the least. It was like I was on a train going at top speed down a mountain, and I couldn't stop it. About a year later, I'd ask myself "Where the hell was the dead man's brake?"

People in my congregation would try to talk me out of it on several occasions, but they did so in a way that a sleazy used car salesman keeps pitching you the car, then in the end says, "Oh, why don't you think about it for a while before signing the contract. I don't want you to rush into anything!" in an effort for you to throw yourself at the terrible deal on the car.

Once again, I knew this was happening while it was happening, but I did nothing.
I'd eventually get to the monastery and I was treated very well there. People often suggest that I was miserable there, and this led to my atheism. However, what led to my atheism was simply this: without my career, my friends, my responsibilities, my weightlifting regimen, and my money, I was suddenly lucid enough in my thoughts to look up at the sky one day and say, "What have I done? I don't believe in ANY of this!!"

This realization occurred after approximately 13 months as a novice in the monastery. I left shortly thereafter. One of the most interesting conversations I had there after announcing my decision was one of the senior monks telling me, "Everyone was certain you'd become a bishop!" to which I replied, "How can I lead people in something I don't believe in? I've been a leader all my life, and that wouldn't be leadership!"

His response to me, shockingly, was, "Well, that's normal for a bishop, I doubt God and the church all the time, but it goes away...besides, imagine all the good you could do...bishops lead a good life."

Needless to say I was shocked. I knew at that point that I was in a monastery full of people essentially running out the clock in something they don't believe in. This certainly validated my newly confirmed atheism.

When I left, I remember when I walked out of the monastery gates feeling like I'd woken up from a coma...literally. I booted up my laptop at my cousin's house, and plugged into the Internet for the first time in thirteen months. I started looking up terms like "cult" and "brainwashing" and "subjugation of self" in my alma mater's library.

Believe it or not, that was my first exposure to Dawkins, Hitchens, and several of the atheism sites out there, this one included. This in turn led me to look up sites regarding biblical contradictions, et al. I realized that it only takes approximately 1.5 minutes of logical thought in analyzing the bible to realize it's a fictional epic. Unlike Homer, however, it isn't particularly well-written.

When I first left the monastery, I had no regrets. I was simply glad to have left after one year as opposed to two years. (I left in late 2009) Moreover, I kept wonder what I was thinking (or not thinking, for that matter). It was like a light bulb went on in my head. I suddenly found people talking about god(s) irritating. I simply no longer respect religion, or people's beliefs. I only respect verifiable facts.

Lately, however, I've been feeling a lot of anger at myself. I fault no one aside from myself in the decisions I made. Certainly, no one "forced" me. Having said this, however, I won't dwell on that anger- that would belie the person I am. After reading a lot about the makeup of cults and the types of people that leave the world in pursuit of the cult's ideologies, I can only focus right now on not becoming a statistic. So, I'm going to meet with a couple of my former colleagues tomorrow to talk about partnering up with them.

In closing, I'll say that one of these people I'm meeting actually functioned as a voice of reason to me when I was away in the monastery, when I was so far away from my life, with a simple question he asked me the night before I left: "Are you OK?"

I'd realize 13 months later that I must not have been okay by a long shot.

It is he that I judge other people in my life back then by.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette

Morality is not a Good Argument for Christianity

By austinrohm ~ I wrote this article as I was deconverting in my own head: I never talked with anyone about it, but it was a letter I wrote as if I was writing to all the Christians in my life who constantly brought up how morality was the best argument for Christianity. No Christian has read this so far, but it is written from the point of view of a frustrated closeted atheist whose only outlet was organizing his thoughts on the keyboard. A common phrase used with non-Christians is: “Well without God, there isn’t a foundation of morality. If God is not real, then you could go around killing and raping.” There are a few things which must be addressed. 1. Show me objective morality. Define it and show me an example. Different Christians have different moral standards depending on how they interpret the Bible. Often times, they will just find what they believe, then go back into scripture and find a way to validate it. Conversely, many feel a particular action is not

ACTS OF GOD

By David Andrew Dugle ~   S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden –  Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

I can fix ignorance; I can't fix stupid!

By Bob O ~ I 'm an atheist and a 52-year veteran of public education. I need not tell anyone the problems associated with having to "duck" the "Which church do you belong to?" with my students and their parents. Once told by a parent that they would rather have a queer for their sons' teacher than an atheist! Spent HOURS going to the restroom right when prayers were performed: before assemblies, sports banquets, "Christmas Programs", awards assemblies, etc... Told everyone that I had a bladder problem. And "yes" it was a copout to many of you, but the old adage (yes, it's religious) accept what you can't change, change that which you can and accept the strength to know the difference! No need arguing that which you will never change. Enough of that. What I'd like to impart is my simple family chemistry. My wife is a Baptist - raised in a Baptist Orphanage (whole stories there) and is a believer. She did not know my religi