What was wrong with me?

By Rick ~

I grew up in the church and never thought much about believing or not. It was just a part of the social structure of my family. When I was in my teens the youth of our church went to a summer camp for a week. One night in our room, there were six of us, one of the staff came in and we began discussing our faith in Christ. At the end of the discussion he led us in prayer then asked us if we had felt the presence of God in our soul. Then proceeded to go around the room and ask each of us did we know God and trust in his faith. It just happened that I was the last one he asked. Every one of the other guys said that they felt the presence of God.I became very upset and almost began to cry but could not do that in front of the other guys. I must have been 14-15, don't know why, but I just could not lie about my faith. I said no, that I had not felt anything happen. I very clearly remember this event as a very important decision in my early life.

Let's jump forward 10 years, married with two children. Of course, based on my background, we started attending church and I became very involved in many of the church's programs. This was a very good time in my life and I had a great group of friends and activities in my church. Then one day my pastor, who I was very good friends with, asked me to join the lay ministry of the church .I was honored and he said the first thing I should do was develop a clear testimonial of how I had come to know Jesus so that I would be able to share with others my story of salvation. I went home and began working on the task and after about three days I realized I had no testimonial. I was very upset and called my pastor, we set up some time to talk. Long story short, after six months of meetings with the pastor I came to realize I just didn't get it. During this time there were many days of depression, crying and self doubt.I did not know what was wrong with me. I was looking for a personal relationship with God that I could testify to with absolute certainty. I would have that or I would not profess to be a Christian. The preacher and I realized that there was really nothing else we could do.

A year later I am an agnostic. I really went through Hell trying to make the Christian experience real to me. I am very skeptical of all religious teachings now and no longer attend church. I felt I had no option about attending church because my very presence would be an act of hypocrisy.

Had to give up a lot of friends and social activities. Many of these people don't understand what has happened to me and I will not discuss the issue with them, not out cowardness, but I will not tempt their faith.

Just my story. Would love to hear comments.