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I am lost. Confused. And very alone...

By Matt ~

I have always known I was gay. From very early on, I knew I was different, and when I hit puberty I learned that difference was homosexuality. When my guy friends started to be attracted to the girls in my class, I was finding myself attracted to them. Around puberty is when I became subjected to Christian teachings. I wasn't very popular in school and my closest friends were all devout, evangelical Christians, and their kindness (without me telling them of my sexuality) is what drew me to Christianity. I felt like I kind of belonged.

I spent year denying my sexuality and facing the depression that came of it. I hated myself because all I heard about same sex attraction was how evil it was. I spent my entire critical thinking life in church. I didn't care about school because I was going to be a youth pastor. I went to church 4 sometimes 5 times a week, didn't care about homework or studying, and eventually decided not to go to college. I attended a year long internship in Texas when I was 20 that was suppose to help me be a "man of integrity". It was probably the worst mistake of my life.

Currently, I am an atheist, coming to disbelief after reading logical statements, personal experience in India and encountering real life, and just realizing that I never had any sort of relationship with any supernatural being.

I am lost. Confused. And very alone in this journey. I don't really know what to do.


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