A Good Virgin

By GoodGirl ~

I’m an Ex-Christian woman who was a virgin for 35 years. And to some extent, I still am.

I kept myself clean for “God” for 25 years. I believed that nothing was more important than being close to Him. When I fell in love with a boy I prayed to “God” that this love would not put the relationship I had with Him in the shadow. And no boy ever returned any feelings I might have had. Why should they? I was an uptight nerd who didn’t know how to behave around boys. When I felt lust I prayed that I would not sin. It always felt more important and appropriate to keep my focus on “God” and on the spiritual realm over the physical one. Though I longed for something more, deep inside.

I then broke up with “God”.

The last years I have tried to break free from the emotional and mental restraints I had built up when it came to sex and intimacy. I started to get to know my body. Learning how to take care of it and make myself more attractive. Reading informative books that I wish I had read as a teenager. Devouring erotic fiction. Watching porn. Watching “real-life” lovemaking. Reading about relationships.

I tried to date but I struggled with a big problem: I feared to be intimate, physically and emotionally. I didn’t know how to go from friends to lovers or from dating to serious relationships and it somehow seemed impossible to me. I met a good man who I believe had feelings for me too but I acted childishly and ruined a possible relationship due to this fear of intimacy. I also didn’t know who I wanted to be after leaving my Christian faith and what my relationship preferences should be. So who should I try to get close to anyway?

Isn’t it time I had some happiness?I despaired. I tried not to despair.

I then met an ex-Christian friend of mine whom I first got to know when both of us were Christians. He had been sexually active for some years, after dealing with the same shame and emotional restraints as me the first part of his life. He told me about this and I got an idea. “I want to have sex with you”, I said. And he agreed. I never knew if he really wanted to have sex with me or if he just felt obliged to, to keep his masculine pride or to be kind to this desperate woman who had never had this human experience.

We did have sex. And it was about as good as I imagined it would be. Just without the deeper emotions of love and trust. And this, of course, turned out to be what I missed most. Having sex was fine, but I actually needed to make love. And this friend was not a person I could find this love with. So I had “done it” in one way, but not in the way that really mattered to me.

I’m 36. In just a few years I will be going into menopause. Will I then still be this emotional cripple I feel I am today? I have tried to keep bitterness and anger at bay but these feelings have started to pour into my life. I cry for the girl I never got to be and the woman I just keep a tiny hope alive for.

Wasn’t I a good virgin to you, “God”?

Are you content now?

Isn’t it time I had some happiness?

Comments

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo

ACTS OF GOD

By David Andrew Dugle ~ S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden – Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

Morality is not a Good Argument for Christianity

By austinrohm ~ I wrote this article as I was deconverting in my own head: I never talked with anyone about it, but it was a letter I wrote as if I was writing to all the Christians in my life who constantly brought up how morality was the best argument for Christianity. No Christian has read this so far, but it is written from the point of view of a frustrated closeted atheist whose only outlet was organizing his thoughts on the keyboard. A common phrase used with non-Christians is: “Well without God, there isn’t a foundation of morality. If God is not real, then you could go around killing and raping.” There are a few things which must be addressed. 1. Show me objective morality. Define it and show me an example. Different Christians have different moral standards depending on how they interpret the Bible. Often times, they will just find what they believe, then go back into scripture and find a way to validate it. Conversely, many feel a particular action is not

On Living Virtuously

By Webmdave ~ A s a Christian, living virtuously meant living in a manner that pleased God. Pleasing god (or living virtuously) was explained as: Praying for forgiveness for sins Accepting Christ as Savior Frequently reading the Bible Memorizing Bible verses Being baptized (subject to church rules) Attending church services Partaking of the Lord’s Supper Tithing Resisting temptations to lie, steal, smoke, drink, party, have lustful thoughts, have sex (outside of marriage) masturbate, etc. Boldly sharing the Gospel of Salvation with unbelievers The list of virtuous values and expectations grew over time. Once the initial foundational values were safely under the belt, “more virtues'' were introduced. Newer introductions included (among others) harsh condemnation of “worldly” music, homosexuality and abortion Eventually the list of values grew ponderous, and these ideals were not just personal for us Christians. These virtues were used to condemn and disrespect fro

Search This Blog

A Good Virgin

Labels