Welcome to Ex-C! Watch your step, please

by Astreja ~

Every once in a while, a dutiful and fervent Christian "stumbles" upon Ex-Christian.net. For some reason these individuals find it monumentally difficult to accept that this site even exists, let alone that we don't believe the same things that they do. In the interest of saving time, both ours and theirs, I have taken the liberty of preparing The Official Unofficial Ex-C FAQ for Prayer Warriors, Concerned Christians, and Trolls.

1. Please don't question our credentials as ex-believers, unless you're prepared to demonstrate that you are the real deal. A YouTube video of your Super Prayer Voice causing a mountain to rise up and go flying into the sea will be fine (Mark 11:23). Either that, or just admit that we scare the crap out of you, and that you're terrified of losing your own faith.
 
2. Don't ask how we can be moral without God, unless you're prepared to explain the morality of letting Jesus take the fall for you.  While you're at it, kindly explain why this god of yours regularly and egregiously breaks its own commandment against killing.
 
3. Don't claim that the Biblical Jesus was a historical figure, and that the Gospels are true, unless you can shed some light on an ages-old mystery: Why did no one other than the author of Matthew 27:52-53 notice all those zombies roaming the streets of Jerusalem?
 
4. Don't quote Paul of Tarsus as if he's some sort of authority on Jesus. By his own admission he met Jesus in a hallucination, not in real life.
 
5. Don't mention hell. Not even once. Not unless you can explain why you worship a god that would create such a place.
 
6. Don't whine about freedom of speech. This is a privately-owned site. If you don't like the way we do things here, go set up your own website.
 
7. Don't claim that the Bible is literally true and infallible. If you do, you will be asked to courier one (1) Talking Snake™ (Genesis 3:1) to the Author of this FAQ.
 
8. Don't claim to know what we think, what we feel, or anything else that would require you to possess mind-reading powers. It's insufferably rude and presumptuous, and you're probably dead wrong about what you "know" about us, too.
 
9. Don't threaten to pray for us, unless you want us to pray to a completely different god on your behalf: Athena; Oðinn; Cthulhu; the Flying Spaghetti Monster...
 
10. Finally, if it gets too much to bear, spare us the drama and just leave quietly rather than doing a True Believer Flounce accompanied by angry "prayers" and dire warnings IN ALL CAPITALS. Oh, and please shake the dust from your feet (Matthew 10:14) outside our home.