Help Me Understand

By Danimal  (aka Aspieguy) ~

As I have mentioned in past postings, I am a 47 year old man with Aspergers sydrome, a form of autism. Like many people with AS, I am also afflicted with bipolar disorder and social anxieties. Certain fabrics, people touching me, lotion on my hand, fluorescent lights, bright lights, sudden loud noises. and crowds of people drive me nearly insane. My iPhone ringing even frightens me. I think in very literal, concrete terms. I cannot discern facial expressions, nonverbal communication, and abstract ideas. Some days are just harder than others. Like many Aspies, I am also an atheist. Unfortunately, I am socially naive. I am unable to understand peoples' motivations. I wish I could, but it probably won't happen.

Logo of Aspies for Freedom (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Up until a few months ago, I was a regular attendee of a United Methodist church. I could sit through an entire service and not understand a word of it. When I discovered that I had only been mimicking the Christianity of those around me. I really didn't believe it. I quietly stopped going to church. Also I found that I had been disowned. I was loyal and supportive of my church. When our loyalty is abused, we Aspies will cease being loyal. I was ostracized, and I really don't know why. Even those I befriended ignore me. Why? I didn't do anything to them. Why do people who consider themselves so loving and compassionate reject one of their own? Why do people who claim to follow Jesus then tell lies and lead double lives? It's wrong, I know. I just don't know what motivates people to be dishonest when they claim to filled with some holy spirit. They say the Jesus lives in their hearts, whatever that means. Shouldn't they be better than we poor unbelievers? They're not. They lie, are cruel at times, and are so superstitious. We Aspies are known for our blunt honesty and lack of superstition. Why is that acceptable for other people? I thought at one time that Christians valued honesty. They don't. They seen to only value conformity and reject reason. Reason and logic are the only ways I can experience the world. I'm told that I can only experience the world by faith.

I don't even know what faith is. I have no concept of unconditional love, eternal life, hell, heaven, and final judgement by some deity. These words may be in Chinese, for all I know. Everyone else seems to understand all this, but it's a big mystery for me. What causes people to be devout and liars at the same time? Is it OK to do this? Why do they feel sorry for me being an Aspie, but they are free to do irrational things? How is Christianity even possible when so many of its adherents are batshit crazy?

These questions aren't rhetorical. I really don't know the answers. I can't talk about my life to anyone. They either don't understand or don't want to hear about it. Even my wife doesn't want to hear it. Only on this site have I found acceptance and support. Wow, atheists are supportive and kind. The Christians aren't.

I've been told that I actually function at the level of someone less than half my age. I think it's true. I rarely make friends with people my own age. I talk best to the elderly and younger people. I'm so high on the Aspie scale that it's scary.

Please help me to understand these people. I can't do it.