Skip to main content

Not an "ex"-Christian

By Celia ~

I'm not an ex-Christian, but I'm fighting with God none-the-less. I fell in love with Jesus when I was four. It was the deep, like-warm-melted-wax-flowing-through-my-heart falling in love that may only happen once in a life-time, and it was real. I loved Jesus, and I loved God, and I knew nothing about the Holy Spirit, or I would have loved her (carrying over the gender from the original languages, no disrespect) just as deeply and just as much.

But there was a problem, a big problem, in my life. It was my father, but it was bigger than that. It was the conspiracy of silence and violent and violating disbelief around the things my father did.

I was eleven, and our Sunday School teacher presented a lesson on prayer based on John 16:23-24: "...Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, hHe will give it you. Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full." My heart was filled with joy. What it meant to me, and really meant because I asked and I really, really believed, was that the beatings were going to stop.

The next day my father beat me to unconsciousness. It was the worst beating of my life, and by no means the last. Where did I go wrong? That was when I realized I could not trust God. He wasn't there for me.

Over the years there have been so many just normal things I wanted from God that He withheld, that He refused to give. Love. One special person (male, because that's the way I swing) to love and to love me. A decent home (not a mansion) in a safe neighborhood. Financial resources to adequately care for my children. A couch. Nothing extravagant. Absolutely nothing extravagant. Just the low side of normal. I didn't get them. It isn't true that I do not have because I do not ask or ask amiss that I may consume it on my lusts. (James 4:3) It's true that I have never asked God for anything that wasn't simply on the low side of normal, and even those things He does not give. To me. He gives them to others, but not to me.

I'm not an ex-Christian. But I am fighting with God. For the past 5 years, I have had a stalker in my life. This man is not someone I ever dated, or wanted to date. He is a 62-year-old creep who runs a cult based on "old African religion" (which a web search shows is hoo doo and vodoun, parent religions to voodoo) who "saw" me in 2006 and has proceeded to destroy my life. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed for protection, and got none. I got punished - the police and other authorities don't seem to believe that stalkers actually exist. I got labeled "crazy" and accused of doing the bizarre things that have been done to myself and targeting him (I didn't even known him when they started) for blame. He has now cost me 4 jobs.

I'm not an ex-Christian. But I am fighting with God.An unrelenting stalker. Really? From an 11-year-old's earnest and fervent prayer full of faith for horrendous abuse to stop, which didn't happen, through an abusive 31-year marriage marked by abject poverty, to being a 61-year-old woman with a cult leader stalking her. Really? I keep telling God that was really overkill. It really was. I haven't learned anything from it. I'm not learning anything from it. It has been the blow that has put my faith into agonal breathing.

Jesus took comfort in His knowledge that nothing could happen to Him without authority being given by His Father Who is in Heaven. Of course, He only lived to be about half my age. I don't take comfort in it. The only conclusion I can reach on this is that God just hates me. I don't know why. It makes me weep. It makes me sob. It makes me scream. God turns His deaf ears to my broken heart.

I still believe God exists. I really do. I do believe He is all knowing. I hope He's all powerful, but I'm not sure. I do know He doesn't protect me. He seldom blesses me. I don't know why He, in His omniscience, has chosen me for unrelenting suffering. I don't know why.

He did give me two children, but their lives are cursed in many of the same ways as mine. I continually pray for good things for them. At 29 and 31, they can't find love. Their finances are somewhat better than mine. But they can't find love.

Other than that, whenever God runs a nice blessing across my hand, He jerks it away from me before I can even finish telling Him how grateful I am for it. I accuse Him of not caring, of not loving me. He is silent. I wish I was wrong. But it seems I am not.

I have faith in His love for other people. I see many people blessed by Him. I have been relegated to spiritual solitary confinement and forgotten by Him.

I know there are those who are worse off than I am. I know there are those who are starving. I have been hungry and not known where the next meal was coming, or when, but I haven't starved yet. I know there are those who are homeless. I have a crappy two-room (not two bedrooms, which is what most people hear when I say two rooms, just 2 rooms) apartment that is dark and cold and I hate it, but it's better than a tent under the bridge.

Although the Bible says there is no partiality with God, it seems there is, and I am in the group of people He really doesn't like. It hurts. His silence hurts. To be rejected by God is a terrible thing. Does it ever end? Not yet, in 61 years. If He changes His attitude towards me, I'll be sure to return and let you know. And if He does, I'll be sure to tell you how it happened. Right now, He seems to be set against me for life, and unmoving and unmovable in it.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo

ACTS OF GOD

By David Andrew Dugle ~   S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden –  Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

Morality is not a Good Argument for Christianity

By austinrohm ~ I wrote this article as I was deconverting in my own head: I never talked with anyone about it, but it was a letter I wrote as if I was writing to all the Christians in my life who constantly brought up how morality was the best argument for Christianity. No Christian has read this so far, but it is written from the point of view of a frustrated closeted atheist whose only outlet was organizing his thoughts on the keyboard. A common phrase used with non-Christians is: “Well without God, there isn’t a foundation of morality. If God is not real, then you could go around killing and raping.” There are a few things which must be addressed. 1. Show me objective morality. Define it and show me an example. Different Christians have different moral standards depending on how they interpret the Bible. Often times, they will just find what they believe, then go back into scripture and find a way to validate it. Conversely, many feel a particular action is not

On Living Virtuously

By Webmdave ~  A s a Christian, living virtuously meant living in a manner that pleased God. Pleasing god (or living virtuously) was explained as: Praying for forgiveness for sins  Accepting Christ as Savior  Frequently reading the Bible  Memorizing Bible verses Being baptized (subject to church rules)  Attending church services  Partaking of the Lord’s Supper  Tithing  Resisting temptations to lie, steal, smoke, drink, party, have lustful thoughts, have sex (outside of marriage) masturbate, etc.  Boldly sharing the Gospel of Salvation with unbelievers The list of virtuous values and expectations grew over time. Once the initial foundational values were safely under the belt, “more virtues'' were introduced. Newer introductions included (among others) harsh condemnation of “worldly” music, homosexuality and abortion Eventually the list of values grew ponderous, and these ideals were not just personal for us Christians. These virtues were used to condemn and disrespect fro