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God, why did you put me here?

Son of a preacher man ~

Home life of fear, I don't want to sin, I don't want to sin! Look out, their watching your every move, just waiting to see one of your sins. Hide things in your room, they dam well search there too. I am sin. Better look out you got no one to turn to, your brothers, your sisters will dob you in quicker than sin… Playing a N64 game "now run like hell" I say to his computer character, "you said hell, I'm telling on you". Dam why did I say that word, I'm going to be in so much trouble, I am so stupid, I am such a sinner, I hate myself... I better hide.

At home one evening, "Who did this?" he shouts, "What?" we timidly reply. There was a cake in the cupboard, all brand new, and without fault. "This" he shouts pointing at a mark in the icing. The mark looks like someone had run their finger through the icing, to steal a sneaky taste. No one says a word, we all look around and start pleading our innocence. "Well someone did it!" as he starts to grab our hands and measure our fingers against the mark in the icing… Dam, my little finger and my sisters index finger match up, "which one of you two did this?" he shouts, we both look at each other and shrug our shoulders, plead for mercy. "You, both go to your rooms"… in my room isolated and alone, oh no what's he going to do? I didn't do that did I? I didn't even know we had cake? I don't know whats going to happen, I am so scared… He storms into the room, "Admit it! you did it didn't you?", "No, please no", "don't lie to me, it will only make your punishment worse" he says as he holds the thick smacking spoon above his head, "I didn't do it" I say as I cower on my bed. He slams the door on the way out… Alone again, I hear him make the same threats to my sister through the wall, I can't imagine whats going through her mind. Whats going to happen, I am so scared… He's in my room again, "if one of you don't admit it I'm going to punish you both!" he shouts, "I didn't do it, please" I am crying… he's in my sister's room again when I start to hear shrieks of pain and my sister crying. Whats going on? is he punishing us both? did she admit to it? I'm so scared, oh no he's finished with her and he's coming for me, help me God, please GOD, help me. I am so alone… "Your sister admitted to it, you can go finish your dinner", I timidly made my way around him as he stood over me, spoon in hand like one of Gods many brave warriors. Back at the dinner table we don't say word… To this day I kick myself for not taking the blame on that one. I didn't do it, but I still don't know if my sister did either. I feel bad that she took the punishment, I should have been more of a man and just taken it.

I feel so de-powered, I shut myself off from the outside world for shame that they will see we are christians, I am so ashamed that my parents are preachers, I hate the religion, I hate that I am the religion, I have no choice, forced to rise at six every morning and read the bible for my sin. I must know it off by heart maybe then they will leave me alone, maybe then I won't have to go to their church, it's all my fault anyway, I am such a sinner… I hate them, I fantasize about stabbing them in their sleep, at least then it will be over, at least then I will be free… At church twice every Sunday, and home groups on a Wednesday, I hate my life, I am such a looser, I wish I was dead… What are these christians around me? why do they believe this stuff? why are they funding my parents? are they just dumb? they are assholes, I wish I wasn't me, I can't get out, I don't know anyone outside the church, they are all evil anyway, where can I run to? Who can I trust? no one, your on your own kid, shut up, don't say a word, don't let anyone know how you feel. You are such a looser, maybe if I read more of my bible things will be better, thats it, God is just teaching me I need to be a better person, I am such a sinner, I hate myself, I am all alone, Just push it down, don't tell anyone how you feel, you are all alone. God, why did you put me here?