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The Divide

By Kennith ~

What a ride is has been since my deconversion. I feel empowered, energized, happier, more open-minded etc. I know longer view the world in such an black and white mindset, but in all it's subtleties of grey and realize that there are no simple answers and no god in control of it all.

Unfortunately the people closest to me being Christian's do not understand my new found atheism. I have had many arguments with my mother, sister, and friends. I would just
like to share with the community here, some of the discussion I have had.

First of all my mother believes that I'm angry with god, that I have suffered many disappointments and out of frustration blame him wrongfully. She also believes that due to being a single man without ever having found my god chosen wife, that I'm sexually frustrated and wish to stop believing so I can enjoy the sin of sexuality without the guilt. To remain on good terms I have decided to not discuss religion anymore with her as nothing she says seems logical and based in reality anymore.

Moving on to my sister, which until just recently, had no idea that I had lost my faith. We have always been distant and never close, she is a very rigid and strong minded
fundamental christian. She was enraged when I questioned her faith and felt that I was attacking her god ,that she has only ever known a as loving one and that I had no right to do so. She used the defense that If I don't believe in him anymore, than why was I so angry at him? I asked her why god was so cruel in the old testament and gave her many
examples and verses as to how any moral and loving god could do such things.

All she could say is that she didn't have all the answers but that god's mind is above ours, so he is always justified in his dealings with his creation *So he gets a free pass with all the killing etc*. I vented most of my anger towards Jesus who supposedly came in love to save us all, but than he is the first to bring in the concept of the eternal tortures of hell. I asked her how could she ever enjoy heaven knowing that I or anyone else she knows that is an unbeliever would endure suffering in hell forever over just a belief!.

The answer she coldly and bluntly gave me about hell was that it was up to god and she wouldn't feel sorry for anyone that goes there. I mentioned that out of the almost 7 billion people on the planet, if in that number only 2 billion are christian... that 5 billion people would be thrown into hell forever!. This thought never even phased her and we were arguing heatedly by then. She than mentioned my bouts of depression and mental illness as a catalyst for my unbelief and squarely put the blame back on me as I am not thinking clearly of course. The world being a wicked and sinful place and that Satan is everywhere seeking to destroy us all and he has his hand on me now. I feel I can never have much of a relationship with her and have avoided her most of my life and unfortunately will continue to do so.

Finally I had a long conversation with an old christian friend from childhood. She was very shocked when hearing of my new good news. I shared with her my many reasons for losing the faith and she quietly listened, which I respect her greatly for that. We continued to talk for weeks on the phone and not surprisingly, it seemed that my arguments could never even slightly sway her. She recently told me of a book she had just picked up that is all about bondage, the satanic kind...and not so subtlety letting me know that this is my problem. The reasons I have lost my faith, I'm in bondage, targeted for attack by demons, my mind is clouded and to get back in church ,that I am in desperate need of fellowship,to pray more, read the word and rededicate my life again or face more torment from Satan and his demons. She even asked me when I first asked Jesus in my heart,liked as if I had never did that before and that maybe I was never really saved in the first place.

Also the book spoke of mental illness and satanic bondage in which professional secular mental health experts dismiss *rightfully so*, are mostly wrong concerning the reason
for such conditions and that bondage to sin is really the actual cause for the majority of peoples problems concerning mental health. We continue to talk on a semi regular basis but our conversation are starting to depress me and she never seems to grasp any of the flaws in her faith and it is getting frustrating.

In concluding not one of my family members or friends are happy for me of course, that I choose a new way of living and thinking. I know that there is no hope in trying to talk them out of such a gripping and completely inclusive world view. Where the in crowd must have you think as them and when you turn away than you must not have really ever been saved in the first place, you love sin more than god and that is why you have turned from him, you are in bondage to Satan and under attack, your mental health issues are really spiritual issues and you must put on the whole armor of god for protection, which are are not doing etc.

The divide to me is not wanting spend much time with these folks anymore and more going my own way these days,though they are family and friends and I will try and do my best but the preaching and blaming is getting tiring. I do feel very different from them and not so comfortable anymore as the poison of the faith can damage even the once most closest of relationships. I am so happy I am rid of all of the baggage of is such a relief, but I do feel badly for them at the same time for them being stuck so blindly in it.