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Fire in the Mind – Quantum Leap

First off I am happy to announce that the wife and I reconciled and ended the divorce proceedings.  The sad fact of the matter is it took an automobile accident to realize what was really going on inside me.  I and the driver were not injured, but I was standing there looking pathetic because of the circumstances involved.

Now in continuing my blog am I gonna jump forward to the present as it bares being said.

Many Christians, especially the fundies, will point their fingers (it makes them feel better and more righteous) and say “See, you need Jesus.” or “This is a result of leaving god.”.  But the truth of the matter is neither is true.  My life and the thing that lead to this mid-life (or no life as I call it) crisis are the direct result of being overly indoctrinated and living in a cult like environment.

I get told “You just need to have faith”.  Well here is a list of people who said the same thing.

All the followers of the above met their deaths having faith and others suffered as well.  If I owned a car and it failed to start day after day and my mechanic told me to just have faith I would get rid of the car and question if I had a good mechanic.  For that matter I would fire the mechanic.

If you have faith in something that just doesn't seem to be working then by all means feel free to question it.  It may be just the change you need to a better life.  Nothing wrong with faith as long as you have it in something that works and shows good results.

When I had the accident someone commented how god must have been looking out for me.  So let me get this straight, I go out dancing and drinking and the driver who is also drunk gets in a wreck and yet I warrant gods protection.  Meanwhile, on the other side of the planet 24,000 children died of starvation covered in feces and flies yet they didn't warrant gods protection?  And we are talking a slow agonizing death not their fault.  “Well you can't understand the mind of god”.  I DON'T WANT TO!  God obviously has priority issues.  Or maybe we are just here on our own and it's time to knock of the BS and just make this a better world.

Ok, where was I?  Oh yeah...

My parents and their church were so focused on teaching their beliefs that basic life skills were left out.   Plus I was sheltered from the world and controlled.  Now I get to deal with the consequences, not them, ME!

When we separated  and I moved into a separate room since finances wouldn't allow me to leave I thought things would be ok and we could both move on.  Rather I found myself hitting deep depression on a regular basis.  Instead I started to make a few bad decisions one which almost got me killed. I found myself in a fast diving spiral to oblivion.

I was sheltered, not allowed to hang out with the neighbor kids as a teenager and was raised in private religious schooling.  I never dated or had a prom.  I never got to experience the social building skills I needed and on top of that because I wasn't expected to do anything with my life I was treated accordingly.  I wasn't taught to drive, look for a job, do a resume', date or any of those things you need to survive in the modern world.  Out of my siblings my sister has been a constant friend.  She did what she could do but at the time there wasn't much to work with plus she was held at bay by my step-dad and his self-righteous beliefs.  If you didn't bow to his will (not gods though saw his will as gods) you were banished and I was not allowed to see my sister or family.  Lucky my mom and I snuck over any time we went shopping to visit my sister.

So here I am married with a good job with benefits, a home, an RV and truck (wife drives) and two dogs.  So what happened?  What nearly drove me over the edge?

Sometimes when you focus on what you lost and what was taken away you forget what you have now.  When I look at my Facebook and see all the fun and adventure my friends were having and I realize never did anything with my life except for the past ten years.  I got frustrated when each Saturday was sitting at home watching TV.  Changing this now.

So what did all of this?  It was being taught that I was a low life, disgusting, undeserving, worthless sinner.  I had so self-value at all.  In 1997 I realized that something was wrong and saw the truth of what had happened to my life.  Slowly over the years the pain, frustration and the sense of loss started to build.  Often unnoticed.  At least until it was too late.  Often times people notice before you do that there is a problem.  I am glad I have a few people in my life willing tot ell me to my face that something needs changing.

I don't care if you're a Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Atheist, Agnostic or whatever...But if that is ALL you are going to teach your kids about life, then don't get all pissed off when they fall flat on their faces and can't function.  That is what happened to me.  I was taught only one thing, Christianity, and since I wasn't expected to go anywhere in life I was taught nothing else.  I didn't even take the SAT in high school because no one thought I would be able to handle college.  My GPA in business college was 3.53 and in any computer classes I excelled or at least had a B average without studying.  I was taught one thing and one thing only and then could barely function in the real world.  When I worked I sat by myself in the break room.  I couldn't carry a conversation because I had done nothing in my life to relate too.  I have to learn at 46 what I should have learned at 16 or 26.

I can sit here and point my finger and blame my parents, the pastor and his church and I would be right in doing so.  But, does that change anything?  Does that bring healing?  NO!

What does then?  ME!

It doesn't matter who does damage to your life, YOU are the one who has to deal with it and fix it.  I can sit and cry and let it all fall apart.  Kind of done with that really.  Now it's up to me to fix it and move forward.  But I can't move forward until I let go of the past.  So that is my resolve.

My future will be bright only because I choose it to be so.  God and Christianity will not be a part of my life.  Tried that and was let down.  I had plenty of faith often more than most people at the time.  I have faith, but in a system that is tested and shown to work.  Good ol' fashioned hard work, self-confidence, self-value good ol' personal strength to pick myself up and go forward.

Now, it's my turn. Time for me to shine.