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Why Jesus Never Married

By Carl S. ~

If you follow what's said about him traditionally, Jesus never married because he was totally committed to his mission of evangelizing. Like many other things about Jesus, it flies in the face of what was an obligation for every young Jewish man, which was to get married and procreate. But there might have been other reasons why we never hear of Jesus marrying. And these might be more related to the expectations of the potential wives around him. Why wouldn't they take him up on an offer of marriage, if, say, by any chance in hell he proposed? We asked Rebecca. She grew up in the same neighborhood as Jesus. These are her answers.

Well, one reason is that the guy is always on the road. He's a celebrity and belongs to the World. There’s no future with him. He'd never be there for me or the kids. If he didn't go off at the end of the day, like he often does, he'd come home grouchy and exhausted, wanting to eat and go right to bed, only to be up bright and early the next morning and out there where his heart is. No time for us. Plus, he thinks poverty is admirable, and to live in it with only the hope of some future after-death rewards for doing so is something to be pursued. Who needs that?

And, he really prefers the companionship of men. He picks up buddies like he's a magnet. That charismatic personality of his attracts women too, but he keeps them as hangers-on. But it's the fault-finding I could never abide. He's so critical. Nobody is ever good enough for him. That's not all. Just listen to him. He's really extreme. So you're rich (like that Nicodemus he hangs out with), then get rid of your money, he says. If your hand is giving you problems, then chop it off. Stuff like that. He finds fault with everyone. What chance would I have, living with someone like that?

The “perfect man” they call him. Every woman is looking for Mr. Right, they say. Go for it, they tell me. But who the hell could stand living with perfection like his? Boring. What could I teach someone like that? And who could live up to his standards of perfection? Not me. I want a man who makes mistakes, who makes at least some bad judgments; a man who needs to apologize, who stumbles over himself, flubs, and screws up; someone who gives me (us) something to laugh about later. I want someone who can show the kids by example that it's all right to make mistakes, because he does and learns by it.

And speaking of teaching . . . he goes around speaking in parables, instead of saying things straight out. What woman in her right mind wants to put up with that? If you have something to say, then say it, and don't tease me with trying to figure out what's on your mid, and then making fun of me when I can't. Honestly!

He wouldn't get along with my family; he rejects his own mother, brother, and kin. And just imagine all the needy lining up outside the door if he was available at home. Oy vey! Picture this: if I was married to him, one of the neighbor ladies arriving on my doorstep and saying, “What's with your husband? He cures the crippled kid from a rotten family, but he didn't drive the devil out of my teenage son. What are we - chopped liver?”

Speaking of curing, I'm not so sure that “curing” of women is innocent; putting his hands all over them like that. (We won’t talk about the relationship with that Samaritan woman down at the town well, will we?) And I’m especially uncomfortable when he tells the crowds to let their little children come to him. Why? And why does he want adults to be trusting like those children? I wonder about him . . .

And, and, here's a man who keeps telling everybody, “You have heard it said” (referring to the sacred texts),”but I say” . . . and going on to re-interpret them with his new standards in mind. As he keeps up this campaign, he really aggravates the religious authorities by changing the rules of our god. He’s asking for trouble, and frankly speaking, who wants to be a part of where this is obviously leading? He could proclaim, if I was married to him, “You have heard it said that marriage is ‘one man, one woman,‘ but I say. . .” Oy vay! Not to worry, they tell me he's not that interested in marriage. In fact, he’d rather not get involved; he's all into “spiritual.” Better go for that pagan next town over. Now there’s a man who knows how to pleasure a Woman!

You think I haven’t thought about all these things? What kind of a normal woman wouldn't? I'll tell you, the kind of woman who’d go for a type like him is one who wants to be a cult member. (Someone who'd die not only for his approval, but actually kill their kids for him.) I suspect she'd find out pretty quickly where all that “spiritual” leads to. Course, she‘s drooling over the message Jesus keeps saying: that the world is going to end “soon,” hang in there. So, what's the use of marriage anyhow? Why bother making plans together, having hope through your children? Bummer.

Some tell me to at least take a chance on Jesus, what have you got to lose? It isn’t that I suspect his attitude to reality is based on something “out there” so much as I think he's not “all there.” I'm not about to “go there,” thank you anyhow.

Now you know why I’m giving you some reasons Jesus never married. They're damned good ones.