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In God We Trust

By Carl S ~

Consider the traditional references to the character of God as depicted in Abrahamic faiths. Is this God trustworthy?

Adam: "you created this paradise for us, gave us curiosity, and knew we just had to investigate that tree. Why did you put it there in the first place, if you knew kids just have to know? This is a case of obvious entrapment. Then you punish us for being human?"

God: "You must admit, paradise can get pretty boring, even for me. Trouble - now that's exciting! Just wait till Eve has a baby; all the suffering will be worth it! By the way, who are you puny-minded brats to question me? If I want to trick you, that’s my right."

Abraham: “I nearly killed my son because of you. Why?"
God: “What? You can't take a joke? It was a "test" to see if you’d really do it, and because you were willing, that's good enough for me to reward you with truckloads of progeny. Lighten up."

Noah: "My lord! I had no idea it would be this bad. All my drinking buddies, friends, friends of friends, their families, not to mention all that beautiful land I tended! All underwater. Are you nuts? You said that humans brought all the evil and sufferings upon themselves because they disobeyed you. Look at the friggin’ mess you've made of things, and for what? You admit you made a mistake because people aren’t going to change."

God: "Don't tell me what I admit or don't. I never promised mankind I wouldn't strike without warning. What do you think all those earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, plagues, and famines are all about? Neat tricks, those, to see if people will still thank me afterwards for sparing them, and them alone, and the fools do! No magician gets as much satisfaction tricking his audience! And - I'm the Master Trickster."

Moses: "What kind of a trick is this? We’ve been out in this f*ckin' desert for thirty two years now, eating the same old bread every day! It's no wonder they want to go back to Egypt. I've had it up to here, myself. Some deliverance!"

God: "Didn't I harden the Pharaoh’s heart so that I had an excuse to bring a plague of locusts, to kill the first-born of Egypt, and trick the army into following you so that they'd all be drowned? Didn't you have fun watching them all go under? I did. Hang in there. I'll have you in the Promised Land in a year or two. Trust me. "

Job: "Why oh why did you allow that monster to destroy everything I loved, and had me ending up sitting on a sh*t pile; all, all of it, on a bet, just so that you could trick him?"

God: "Don't you realize it was all a test so that you could get a fresh new start: a new young-chick wife, unspoiled kids, a lot more land? No other despot rewards like God for your troubles. Ask Pat Robertson."

Mary: "Ah! Ah! Ah! OH God. Oh God. Oh God...!!!”

God: "You mean to tell me a big girl like you still believes God can do this?"

Thomas: "And to think I doubted that your son came back from the dead. My friends said that this Jesus was somebody else, and because I’m uneducated and gullible, I fell for the practical joke played on me. Funny, but I never saw him again after that. Was that your doing, not theirs? You do have a history. "

God: "That, my dear, was one of my greatest tricks. I got somebody to convince others to dispose of the body, who also impersonated Jesus, and had "him" disappear! After all, I’m God, and people like those body movers "hear my voice" and do whatever I tell them to do. You don't have to look far to find this out for yourself. Of course, all those gullible "witnesses" already trusted the voice-of-God people who spoke for me. Piece of cake.“

At this point we might wonder: Will those contemporary humans who "trust in" this God be tricked? Imagine the faithful soul arriving before him:

Faithful one: “Where’s heaven? Where is it? You promised a heavenly reward!“

God: "My son promised that. Technically, I didn‘t."

Still believing faithful one: “But isn‘t your son “God” too?”

God: "Well yes, but he’s also completely human, and the human side of his nature made that promise, not the infallible God part, and, for sure, humans don’t always deliver. So, the jokes on you. Trust me."

(With thanks to Woody Allen for his “The Testing of Abraham" observation: