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Why do I have to suffer?

By John ~

I'm in so much pain.

My faith has been shattered into nothingness. I'm left in a state of confusion and dismay. I ask God sometimes why he does not show me he loves me and that he is real, but at lass, I get no answers. I tried 1000 times and I have failed 1000 over to go back to the faith. I feel like my mind has been played with, deceived for all those years for absolutely nothing.

It seems no amount of logic and reasoning, learning, thinking can bypass the fear and guilt of this God, yet how can I not believe in this God and yet hold onto such rigid feelings at the same time? I feel like I'm stuck in limbo and that I'm a living paradox it-self.

I long for a soul to exist. I cannot fancy myself the way some nonbelievers do to say life is full of so many wondrous things. it's full of repetition and trite things, bad and evil things, unfairness, a system that is governed by it's king, I call it money. I cannot accept that this is it and yet I cannot force myself to believe in the soul concept anymore right now, thus I'm stuck in limbo on this as well.

I cry on the inside from my pains, pains that have both to do with my former faith and my life itself. Some people tell me to take the magic happy pills called depression pills, but I refuse to undertake such flawed methods when are understanding of the mind is too limited.

My anger at times boils because I got screwed out of a real life and it is I who wants a soul to be real more then many would think...I see a world where everyone is fighting. arguing and talking behind each others back. hypocrites I see in both theist's and atheist's alike.

My anger at times boils because I got screwed out of a real life and it is I who wants a soul to be real more then many would think, yet it is I who has to try to accept that we live and then all we have will be taken from you in the end.

My agonies are great in number, even in my dreams I cannot escape it. why has God forsaken me I sometimes ask, but at lass this sounds like I still believe. maybe I do? how do I believe in a God that can do all things because he can just do it? what little of logic and reasoning my mind is capable of cannot see how it's possible for such a being to really exist, yet the fear and guilt of the God of Christianity is still there, and it seems worse then ever.

Why, why do I have to suffer all this agony both because of the faith and things outside of it. why?

My tears matter not, my pain is all in vain. I feel lost in the dark not knowing what the hell I'm doing anymore. I say to myself sometimes...never mind that part.

I cannot worship such gods that torture people eternally even if they were to exist. if they could read my thoughts they would see I think their evil for doing so. I would want real logical answers in to why god or gods allowed so much suffering all the way down to insects. I have heard the answers so far in in to why and yet they do not add up to me. and the idea I have to conform to a reality that a wizard in another realm that can hear my every thought and can do all things with his super powers is so patently absurd to me now, yet I still have the fear and guilt. I do not comprehend how this can be at this point.

I hate what the faith has done to me and it's all based on lies at the same time.

I feel so sad and helpless.