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Walked Away!

By Stefanie Lynn ~

Being a Christian... Just those words alone bring pain, loneliness, regret for my children and for myself. The beliefs that are pumped into you, you believe them just as a child believes in Santa Claus. Child like faith. But children don't know any better, and one day, I had to grow up and take a real look at the damage blind faith had done to my family. I was so blind.... I was angry when I opened my eyes.

I grew up with little attention. Little care. Passed onto this person then to the next. The adults in my life made up what ever lies they wanted to make it as though I was the problem as they didn't want anyone to know that they were the ones that fell short. One adult after another adding their horrible story of what ever they wanted to say. I gave up at a young age. Nobody would ever get to know me, cause everyone was to busy listening to these stories, or telling them. I would look up and ask god when I would get something in turn. Always giving myself to these stories, living alone with in myself. I lived through my drawings, and writing stories. I usually threw them away as I was greatly made fun of for being good at anything.

At age 15 to 17 I began to party. Not because I really wanted to party, but because I saw it a way to make friends and find another family. Maybe one that actually cared about me. I so needed even just one person that cared. I didn't get myself into to much trouble, although I was in situations where I could have gotten really hurt quite a bit. When I look back, it makes me mad that had I just had a real family, I never would have done those things. I didn't care to do them at the time. Just wanted to find people that cared.

At the end of my 17th year I found religion. I thought that if no one will love me, I found a god that does. And I let people know they couldn't hurt me anymore cause I had god, and he is with me and they will get it in the end. But I hoped that they would become Christian with me, cause then they would change into this nice kind loving person........ because I really believed that this religion would change people. I allowed people to walk on me, walk on my children and to hurt them and to hurt me because I really believed that doing this will save others. I was out witnessing to people thinking that because I was willing to put myself out there, for gods people and to bring them to him, it didn't matter what happened to us in this life cause the next one would be better. To stand behind a husband that only laughed at me and showed everyone I was the least important person in their life. The church always treated me the same as they did as they believe that the man is most important as the head and if he devalued anything in his life, the church did too. I was always there, always taking my children, always on my face and always giving all I had when we were barely eating at home. Always believing god would turn thing around and scared out of my mind of anything that could be evil. I wouldn't even have a dirt devil because of its name. I was afraid of things I didn't understand and if I didn't understand because the church told me its a sin to understand, then I was also afraid to learn. I was afraid to ask questions. Was afraid to that I was going to hell at any whim and began to get suicidal because I couldn't take all the fear, and back stabbing and the pain I got from the church and that I allowed others to put on me. "Christians" are the worst when it comes to judging. Cause understanding a person is not in their programing. Anything I did wrong, it was because I was a bad sinner. And anything I did right, wasn't really me, it was god through me. So I was left with all the bad and all the good was given credit to someone in the sky. I wanted to die cause I didn't want to be this bad person. I couldn't live with all the bad.

One day I opened my eyes. After years of not going to church because after starting to ask questions, I was kicked out of one then another and another. Churches don't like questions that they don't have an answer for. They always turn to "have blind faith" or "have child like faith" or "your supposed to just believe" Wow, really? A part of me still wants to believe in Santa, but I still buy my kids gifts and cover his bill cause blind faith that he will show will only hurt them! And I realized.... my blind faith, hurt my kids. I let all these people abuse them and me in life in blind faith that god would rescue us all. I have been married 3 times and I'm not even the marrying type. I thought I was going to hell if I had someone without a ring. I didn't want the ring, but was still looking for love. I chose. This is pain that will keep my son in counseling his whole life. He is 20 now. But we work hard together to get passed the things that we have gone through. My middle daughter hurts because religion made it possible for a very bitter woman to tell crazy stories about me to her. My x helped it along in higher then though ways. My youngest was very little when I started to walk away.

I was a very very angry person about the choices I made in life. If I had not had religion, I would have made very different choices. Better ones. I hated Christians, and hated anyone that had anything to do with church. A couple years later I started to feel less hateful. But it still made me angry that if anyone found out I wasn't a christian, I had the zombie Christians at me all at once. But now I could see through their fake smiles and the pretend to care. I was only one more notch they were trying to get to be closer to their god. To use me as a trophy, to say see, I turned her for us. They would say the exact same things I would always say. And they think they are the first to say it, the first to spew it to me. I never knew how meaningless these words were when I said it, till it came back at me.

Our life has been much better without Christianity. One of the first things I found out about me was that I really was a good person. I really do enjoy helping people. It wasn't god through me. It really was me. I am not afraid of the devil every time I turn around. The fear doesn't keep me up at night. I protect my family now instead of offering ourselves up in hopes that god will see our sacrifice. Some days feel normal and we have a better life, and some days we remember the pain and have to get through it. Its a process. Its like dealing with an old cult. Its hard sometimes to remember the teachings and have to remind myself why none of its true. When you give any religion control over your life, your mind.... Nothing good comes from it. And that's why I will never belong to another.

I have now moved back to my home town unwillingly. The Christian people I once knew don't yet know that I am not one. They try to be nice in my face when I come across them. But I can see the fakeness that comes with that religion. The belief that they are better because of the things my ex's have done to me and said about me. All that higher then though that people really think they are because they go to church. They don't know I have no interest in their religion, none at all in their way of life. They don't know that I am aware that they are not better then me. That I feel bad for them for being stuck in an old religion. They are the ones that really need to open their eyes. And one particular, I feel bad that she is in this line of thought because I got her to turn for the church. I feel sad that she really thinks she is better. When really, we are all the same. And now that is what I have to live with.

21 years as a Christian. That's what it took to ruin my life. I will spend the rest of my life picking up the pieces.