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Lost, Broken, Confused

By Anonymous ~

I don't know what to do. Everything I have ever believed in is crumbling. Jesus has always been my everything. I always KNEW he was in control, nothing was too big for him and that I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He was my best friend. I was happy and at peace.

Now I'm broken and miserable. I never questioned the bible in my entire 22 years. I stumbled across a video on youtube about the contradictions and curiosity got the better of me. I wish I never watched that video. I feel betrayed, yet I feel like I'm the betrayer. I feel like God is still there, saddened over my shaking faith. But something tells me that's just a mental thing. I now live with the fear of a God that I'm not sure exists. I'm afraid that if I'm his chosen, then he'll do whatever it takes to bring me back. Whatever tragedy, that is. I'm terrified. Yet I still can't shake the thought that it may not be real. Sorry if this is confusing, I'm just trying to get it all out there

Either I'm making the biggest mistake of my life by questioning, or in the long run, the best decision. And to make it even more devastating, my Dad is my best and only true friend, and guess what? He's about to become a pastor. He's so in love and in awe of Jesus and how powerful he is. So much of our relationship has been built on the things of God.

Anyway, I'm certainly not Atheist as I believe that's the "non-religion" of fools because let's face it, NO ONE knows what's out there. NO ONE knows for sure there is no god. And Science sure as hell doesn't side with Atheism because Science is purely physical whereas god is spiritual. A completely different realm. I guess Im agnostic at most.

I don't wanna go through life with this guilt and fear. I don't see how it could fade with time considering I'll always be wondering if I just turned my back on my God/EVERYTHING. Has anyone else ever felt this way? And I don't want rude people throwing out the recycled "sky daddy" trash or the "cult of christianity" nonsense, because if you were ever truly in love with Jesus as I was, you could never speak about it like that even if you know/are pretty sure deep down that it's not real because it was the most important thing in your life and meant everything. Has anyone else truly been this in love with him and dependent on him?Only to get punched in the gut with this possible reality? Did you recover? Are you happy? Are you a miserable wreck like me?

I can't tell you the countless hours I spent praying to my Lord and reading my bible :'( For a better lack of wording, I'm utterly heartbroken