Skip to main content

Jesus, Sex, and Parking Spaces

By Klym ~

I could have called this article "Random Thoughts" or "A Day in the Life of an Ex-Christian." I have truly had a weird day, as you will understand when you read this.

First of all, it's a Sunday, so I went to my Unitarian Universalist "church" where the guest speaker was a quite famous Wiccan priest. I say famous because he was invited to the 9/11 memorial service to represent the Wiccan religion and to discuss forgiveness, and he is also the author of the book "Wicca Demystified." Anyhow, being taught throughout my life that Wiccans are evil devil worshippers, I was really curious as to what I could learn from this man.

I actually enjoyed his talk---he dispelled many of the misguided beliefs I had about Wiccans. He was somewhat attractive---that is, he didn't have horns or anything coming out of his head. He explained that Wiccan spells are like "prayers with props." The way he presented his beliefs sounded to me like Native American beliefs about the earth and nature. I quite liked his philosophy of life and began to wonder if perhaps I might be a Wiccan, or Pagan, at heart. More on that later....

Then on to lunch, where I spent time with family celebrating a cousin's 14th birthday. After lunch, my cousin was to attend a week long church camp about sex. This camp is only for kids who have finished eighth grade, hence it's called "Eighter's Camp." All my cousins attend a Disciples of Christ church, so this camp was sponsored by that denomination. My cousin, the 14 year old's mom, asked me to ride with her to the camp which is a little over a two hour drive away. I said sure, I'd be glad to ride along.

So, we set out for camp---me, my cousin, and her son. Of course, we got lost and couldn't find the place, which created a bit of frustration. On the way, I read all the paperwork about the camp. Being an Ex-Christian, I knew that some of it would bother me. There were two pages outlining the agenda of lessons that the kids would be taught throughout the week. Most of it was great and I wished I'd had that kind of sex education when I was 14. (My sex education in the Southern Baptist church consisted of this: "Don't do it--you'll go straight to hell!")
But, some of it was just ridiculous.

The first lesson was about the first two humans that God created---Adam and Eve, of course. It was assumed that that is a true, literal story. OK, I got past that without spouting off. But then I got to the lesson for Wednesday--it's title was "WDJD--What did Jesus do?" The gist of that lesson would be Jesus's views on sex. I was thinking---now how can anybody learn anything about sex from Jesus who the Bible implies was totally celibate???!!! I went on to read that the kids will learn about how Jesus treated women, adulterers, Pharisees, lepers, etc....How does that relate to sex, I wondered? Oh, well, I guess relevancy is not a priority here.

The good things were that the kids will learn all about their bodies, reproduction, STD's, and other actually relevant and factual information that they can use. While it is all couched in Christian religion, it was still a pretty good overview of sexuality, without making the kids feel ashamed of their bodies and desires. So, I kept my mouth shut until my cousin was delivered to the camp and well out of earshot. (Sidenote: The 14 year old cousin has been to the UU church with me a few times and so has been exposed to very liberal ideas. Before he got out of the car to go to camp, he told his mom he liked my church better than his. Ouch!)

So, when he was gone, I told my cousin that it was ridiculous to use Jesus as a guide for sexuality when he never had sex. She more or less agreed with me. She is a pretty liberal Christian but I must admit I was surprised that there was no real debating the issue. But, then, it's hard to argue against the obvious, I guess.

We had a terrible time getting home---there was a rain storm that was so bad we had to pull off the interstate until it passed over, and then a carwreck with fatalities that police directed us away from. Very, very sad and my cousin and I talked most of the way home about how someone today lost loved ones unexpectedly and violently.

When I finally got home, I rushed to the Internet to do some research on the Wiccan religion. In my readings I found a list of spells that are done for a variety of things---a broken heart, travel protection, finding a new love, and so on and so on, and then there was a spell for finding a good parking spot. It said that "Squat" is the Diva of Parking Spots and she is pictured as a heavy-set black woman in a meter maid's outfit. (I can't make this stuff up!) Anyway, when you are looking for a parking spot, you put your hand up and have your thumb touch your ring finger and say, "Squat, Squat, I need a spot!" Then, when you find one, you thank her by saying, "Squat, Squat, you're really hot, thank you for the parking spot!"

OK, when I finished laughing (the footnote said, "Don't laugh---many New York City pagans use this and have had success with it"), I thought about a Christian friend I have who always prays for parking spots close to the front of the stores where she shops, and when she gets one, she says, OUT LOUD, "Thank you, God!" She's a minister's wife, by the way. When I go shopping with her, I prepare myself mentally to ignore this nonsense.

I apologize to any pagans on this site if what I say insults you, but I just don't think that the "energy in the universe", which pagans claim to use to their and other's benefits, really gives a flying fart about a parking place!!! I mean: If the energy in the universe is to be used for the good, why does it not save people from head on collisions during thunderstorms? With a world full of starving children and deadly tornadoes and child abuse and horrible diseases, why bother "energy" or "god" or the "universe" about such a trivial thing as a parking spot???!!! After that, I decided I am not a Wiccan at heart after all. I don't have any faith in prayer anyway, so why would I put faith in "prayers with props"? What was I thinking?

OK, so Jesus can teach us about sex; Wiccan spells use the universe's energy to find a good parking space; and people die unexpectedly in horrible ways. It just doesn't add up....and yet our culture wonders why religions of all kinds are being rejected by more and more people? Seems like a no-brainer to me....


Popular posts from this blog


By David Andrew Dugle ~ O ctober. Halloween. It's time to visit the haunted house I used to live in. When I was five my dad was able to build a big modern house. Moving in before it was complete, my younger brother and I were sleeping in a large unfinished area directly under the living room. It should have been too new to be a haunted house, but now and then I would wake up in the tiny, dark hours and see the blurry image of a face, or at least what I took to be a face, glowing, faintly yellow, high up on the wall near the ceiling. I'm not kidding! Most nights it didn’t appear at all. But when it did show itself, at first I thought it was a ghost and it scared me like nothing else I’d ever seen. But the face never did anything; unmoving, it just stayed in that one spot. Turning on the lights would make it disappear, making my fears difficult to explain, so I never told anyone. My Sunday School teachers had always told me to be good because God was just behind m

The Blame Game or Shit Happens

By Webmdave ~ A relative suffering from Type 1 diabetes was recently hospitalized for an emergency amputation. The physicians hoped to halt the spread of septic gangrene seeping from an incurable foot wound. Naturally, family and friends were very concerned. His wife was especially concerned. She bemoaned, “I just don’t want this (the advanced sepsis and the resultant amputation) to be my fault.” It may be that this couple didn’t fully comprehend the seriousness of the situation. It may be that their choice of treatment was less than ideal. Perhaps their home diabetes maintenance was inconsistent. Some Christians I know might say the culprit was a lack of spiritual faith. Others would credit it all to God’s mysterious will. Surely there is someone or something to blame. Someone to whom to ascribe credit. Isn’t there? A few days after the operation, I was talking to a man who had family members who had suffered similar diabetic experiences. Some of those also suffered ea

Reasons for my disbelief

By Rebekah ~ T here are many layers to the reasons for my disbelief, most of which I haven't even touched on here... When I think of Evangelical Christianity, two concepts come to mind: intense psychological traps, and the danger of glossing over and missing a true appreciation for the one life we know that we have. I am actually agnostic when it comes to a being who set creation in motion and remains separated from us in a different realm. If there is a deistic God, then he/she doesn't particularly care if I believe in them, so I won't force belief and instead I will focus on this one life that I know I have, with the people I can see and feel. But I do have a lot of experience with the ideas of God put forth by Evangelical Christianity, and am confident it isn't true. If it's the case god has indeed created both a physical and a heavenly spiritual realm, then why did God even need to create a physical realm? If the point of its existence is to evolve to pas

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo

Why I left the Canadian Reformed Church

By Chuck Eelhart ~ I was born into a believing family. The denomination is called Canadian Reformed Church . It is a Dutch Calvinistic Christian Church. My parents were Dutch immigrants to Canada in 1951. They had come from two slightly differing factions of the same Reformed faith in the Netherlands . Arriving unmarried in Canada they joined the slightly more conservative of the factions. It was a small group at first. Being far from Holland and strangers in a new country these young families found a strong bonding point in their church. Deutsch: Heidelberger Katechismus, Druck 1563 (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) I was born in 1955 the third of eventually 9 children. We lived in a small southern Ontario farming community of Fergus. Being young conservative and industrious the community of immigrants prospered. While they did mix and work in the community almost all of the social bonding was within the church group. Being of the first generation born here we had a foot in two